Unfinished ramblings

“…You don’t love me, you are just greatful that somebody came along and showed interest in you.”

That is my biggest regret. It led to unnecessary pain and tears. I think that I was so wrapped up on the idea of being loved that I forgot what love really meant. I forgot to love myself, and that is one thing that I promise myself I will never do again. Yes, how ironic that my biggest regret has to do with love, love that was never really there. But, I learned from it. And, now I know what I am not looking for when it comes to love.

Love is not a temporary thing. It is not something I feel one second, and then it is gone after a few more. Love is not something I feel when I am about to lose or leave someone. If someone told me that he loved me right before he decides to leave the country, that is not love…because if it were me, I would not leave him if I love him. Yes, there is still anger and pain lingering after his so-called “clean break-up,” but it does not mean that I have any love left for him, because he does not deserve any from me. He is my biggest regret, and that is all he is.

To me, regret is not shutting out the pain, but it is realizing that there is tomorrow to start anew.

False promises. These are the culprits. I know it is hard to decipher which are the truths and the lies, but what would life be if we constantly question the hidden meanings behind those sweet words that we long to hear?

xoxo,

Jas advocacy, becoming jasmine, college, education, employment, health, name change, nightlife, tgirl, transgender, transgirl

Shit, everyone is either married or getting married...

And, here I am  at 26, cynical about finding love. I admit. I have my walls up, because it is really hard to read people, especially when I was so trusting, and now it is hard for me to decipher what is true or not. Everyone is fucking getting married, and here I am still looking for what love really means. Of course, there was that love-at-first-sight feeling that I felt with David, but never with my previous ex. I guess that is why it never really worked. It always felt forced. I am rambling. I watch all these movies or shows where characters are getting engaged and married, and I cannot help but think when I am ever going to go through that. I want to get married and have kids, but I don't want to settle either.I want to meet the guy who wants to make me happy and mean it.

xoxo,

Jas advocacy, becoming jasmine, college, education, employment, health, name change, nightlife, tgirl, transgender, transgirl

It has been a while since I wrote something...

I stopped writing for a while, because I didn't think that it would help me cope with what I was going through at the time. But, now that I have moved on completely...I am starting to write again, because I actually enjoy reading my thoughts from the past. As many of you may already, I usually do not write anything about my current relationship, especially one that I thought would last. My last available post is about my now ex-boyfriend. It is funny how life works, but I am glad that everything unfolded before I moved on to the next step, which would have been the next mistake in the series of mistakes I made throughout that relationship. It is funnier now, because I felt that everything about that relationship was wrong and unreal, yet I held onto it because it seemed so good to let go. I felt like I would not be able to find anyone better. That was my biggest mistake, to settle on something that only seemed too good to be true.

I had all these ideas of him and he fulfilled the check-boxes of what I wanted, but now that he showed me who he is...I realize that the check-boxes are nothing but images that I made up. I should have trusted my gut feelings. Yes, I am embarrassed to say that this is one of my biggest mistakes...a boy, but it is the truth and I admit it. It is funny, because I thought that David was the worst person I ever dated, but this is actually worst, I did not know that anyone could make David a better person. It is funny, because David wanted me back when I was already with this guy, yet I chose to be fooled. I cannot believe I dated a coward, and I let him take away my strength for about 7 months after breaking up with me. I saw myself at my worst, and I hated the fact that I had so much anger within me for one single person. I am not going to dwell on this, but knowing that I fought for 7 months for what I thought was true... I now know as false. I am no longer in love with him, because the person I fell in love with was a different person.

I am not going to let this experience make me a coward, because I will never find true love with fear. I am slowly gaining my confidence back, and I know that I did not deserve any of the pain I went through this past year. I am happy now, and I will not let people who are always so negative and fearful be around me. I am now a student in nursing school, and I couldn't be more excited. I feel that I chose the perfect career path, as I am now working as a nursing assistant at well-known health system here in San Diego. Focusing on myself and maintaining the fact that an independent and strong woman, like myself, is a catch! I will find someone when I am ready. I will get married. I will have two beautiful children who will mean the world to me.


xoxo,

Jas advocacy, becoming jasmine, college, education, employment, health, name change, nightlife, tgirl, transgender, transgirl