I love you. Three words that I consider to have a lot of meanings. Sometimes, I say I love you to material things such as food, cute animals, dresses, credit cards... Sometimes, I say I love you to someone (who may be mentioned below) because they saved my life, registering me for classes when I was busy or covering for me when I do not have cash, but I will primarily talk about people in this post. Below, I will write how I use these three words and what I mean when I use them.
1.) I love you, Mom and Dad! And, brothers too. It is unconditional love. My parents may say I am obligated to love them, because they gave me life. It's true, but I love my parents, because they inspire me to be a better person. I am where I am today because of them. I love them for creating me. I love them for affirming me when I am right and challenging me when I am wrong. I love them for putting up with everything I have done and continue to do. I tell my mom and dad "I love you" everyday, because I want them to know how much I appreciate them for being in my life.
As for my older brothers, I say "I love you" to them less often. They claim to be tough, manly men, but I know deep inside they love me too! Although they are mean to me sometimes, I call it tough love. They want the best for me, and they are over-protective. It was one of their reasons for having a hard time accepting my new identity, but they learned that it is for the better. And, I am glad that they support my happiness.
2.) I only have a few friends, but I treasure the friends that I have. I would say that I define friendship differently. To me, people in my life come and go... but the people who stay the real friends. Having what others consider as different narratives from the norm, it is tough finding someone who can understand what I am going through. I think my friends who understand how relevant my experiences are to their own are the ones who stayed. I love my friends, because they give me hope. They are dependable, always there when I need them most! They stay positive when I have given up. They are my source of optimism and hope, and I need that in my life.
I have not been successful finding a good friend who have the same experiences as me. Although I share my stories and identity problems to my "non-trans" (I was trying to avoid these labels, because they are no different) friends, sometimes they cannot relate or they do not know how to respond. However, they are still there to listen, try to understand, and give guidance. They are the closest to my family, and that is why I love them! I love them so much, because they mean the world to me.
3.) My relationship right now is the weirdest. It is my longest committed relationship, yet we haven't said "I love you" in the most meaningful way. I think it is great that we are taking it slow, because I know when he finally says it... I will feel like the luckiest girl! Well, he already makes me feel that way, ever since I met him. Finding love takes a lot of patience... I know this, because I have looked for the person I am going to grow old with... but it only came when I stopped looking. As many of you may know, we go to cafes a lot and he's sitting right in front of me... If only I could say these words, without the fear of being rejected...
I admit, I said "I love you" to him already. But, it didn't mean anything. It was almost because of how he made me feel that night. Cuddling with him is the most amazing thing that I have ever done, he is the most amazing and beautiful person that I have ever cuddled with... I love him, but I am waiting for him to be ready to hear those words coming from my heart. Don't laugh, I know this is getting too corny, but it is how I feel... and I cannot help.
I think these feelings prove that I am not different from genetic girls (again, I do not like using these labels, but I am simply doing so for the purpose of making a point). I feel the same things they do, I think about the same things they do. I am hella no different, we are hella no different from the norm.
4.) It may be hella funny, and sometimes crazy, but I do say "I love you" to strangers I have never met before. Of course, the meaning is different.... Often, I say "I love you" to someone who values the same thing that I do or someone who does something that completely amazes me. I say "I love you" to affirm them, to support them, and to show how much I appreciate what they do or say.
If only "I love you" was easier said than done, the world would be a better place. If only "I love you meant a lot more in different situations, everyone would be happier. I remember a young girl who gave me a note with the words "I love you" and a small metal heart. I felt so happy, and I felt a lot more positive about what I am doing now.
I love you. Three simple words. They have different meanings for different people. But, all these meanings all show appreciation, understanding, happiness, acceptance, among other things. Below, please comment on what these words mean to you or to someone when you say them.
xoxo,
Jas
7.23.2012
7.03.2012
The Boy Next Door
He was the boy next door type. And, he was literally The Boy Next Door. It was Summer 2007, I was 19 then… and I just moved into my first apartment, with roommates of course. I felt so accomplished when I found an apartment and moved into one on my own. I realized that I was an adult, independent and free… I loved every minute of it. I knew that this summer was going to be a good one, one that is very exciting and definitely the summer that I started exploring my sexuality and my feminine desires. Come on, I was 19 and never been kissed, never been touched, never really flirted. I never had these feelings before and I was getting gitty about it! It was awesome!
So our apartment has this huge balcony overlooking the bay. It was beautiful. One afternoon, I went out to enjoy the view in just boxers and a wife-beater (still very feminine, I had curves too) because my room had sliding doors to access the balcony. My clothes were comfy, and it was one of those days that I felt like staying at home and be comfortable with what I am wearing. I didn’t feel the need to dress up and put make up on (Oh, I did not wear make up at all my first two years in transition, unless it was a special occasion, and I think I was beautiful). It was summer so other students were moving in and moving out. There was a balcony next to ours and people in that apartment were just moving in. One minute I was just enjoying the sun and loving the view, and suddenly someone came out of th balcony next to ours… and I flew right back into my room. I felt was embarrassed and I was shy. I saw a glimpse of him, and I thought he was cute… typical boy next door with innocent looks. I liked that. I knew right then that he was Jewish because I’ve met a lot of Jewish guys in my first year at Cal, and I think they are definitely not bad to look at, perhaps even attractive. That afternoon, I ended up staying in my room and watching movies on alluc.org and hulu.com because I was still embarrassed about being in comfy clothes. Of course, I went out doing my daily routine like normal.
A few days after the incident, I heard a knock on our apartment door. I thought it was my roommates or the landlord at first, then I looked at the peeking hole and saw a cute guy. It was The Boy Next Door. He asked if he can borrow a can opener, and I didn’t have one so I suggested he asks the other neighbors. After a couple of hours, he knocked again asking for sugar… I was like, “Wth, he needs to buy his own.” But, the nice person in me gave him some. The next day, he knocked again asking to borrow a knife and a cutting board. It was weird. He has his own kitchen obviously, but I understand that he just moved in. So, I said sure and led him to our not-so-cute kitchen. That was the first time we talked about each other. He is from Chicago, and he is only taking some classes at Berkeley. He was 23, I think. He plays the guitar a lot, and he is learning about Flamengco. I have never heard it before, but apparently it is a genre of music. He seemed really passionate about it, which tickled my interest. I am not sure if I said this before in my previous blogs (LOL, the past 3 blogs), but I am attracted to men who are passionate about something. It can be a sports team or medicine or their career, I love it all. To me it shows that they are genuine, and I really like that! We talked about the view and how I loved it. He was jealous because their view is blocked by a tree. I felt bad, so I said… “Hey, you have two floors, and you have two balconies.” He said that ours was better. So, I said well you’re welcome to see the view whenever you want to.
Okay, that led to a really long conversation. So he left. I was waiting for hours until he returned the knife and cutting board, I was really waiting. I thought he was really cute and I wanted to see him again and talk to him again. Gosh, the girl in me is finally getting some boy action, after 19 years of suppressing it. After 3 hours or so, he knocked on the door and returned the knife & cutting board, then said thank you. I said you’re welcome! I didn’t know the whole flirting process then, so I was just going with the flow. He left, and I was sad… I thought to myself, “Does he like me?” It was a question that I couldn’t answer, but things are about to unfold.
He knocked on the door again after a couple of days. The door was unlocked and I told him to come in. I was chatting with my cousins from San Diego using Yahoo Messenger with a webcam. I was wearing short shorts and a tiny tank top. OMG, I was hella skinny then. I was in my bed and I was laying on my stomach with the laptop screen in front of me. He stood behind me, and he kinda surprised me. He didn’t surprise me because he just stood in front of me. He surprised me because I could see a huge bulge in his sweatpants. I was in awe. It was so big and I could just imagine myself playing with it. It was the biggest thing I have ever seen, I wanted to put my mouth on it. Instead, my shocked face was with an open mouth. Do you know when you’re surprised and your mouth opens wide? Well, maybe it is just me… but my mouth was open for that big thing! That was when I got really attracted to him. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him just what I was doing. I still chatting with my cousins.
Then he asked if he can check out my view, I said yes. At first, I was like… the view you’re giving me right now is so much better. Hahah. I told him it was better to see at night! Oh, I just realized it was July 4th. So he came that night and we both watched the fireworks. It was so cute. That was my first time watching the fireworks with someone other than my family or my friends. It was really cute. I went back inside my room, and he stayed out in the balcony. I was laying in my bed and decided to watch a movie. I don’t remember the movie that I started watching, but he also came back in after a couple of minutes. He asked me what I was doing, and I said I was watching a movie. He asked if he can join me, I said yes. So, he joined me in my bed.. We were apart at first, then he started getting closer. Our toes ended up touching, and they played with each other a bit. Then, his hands started caressing my arms… it almost felt like he was admiring the softness of my skin. I enjoyed it. At first I was a little shy, but I ended up doing the same thing to him. Our toes were playing with each other, our hands were exploring each other’s skin, each other’s bodies. This is probably why I can’t remember the movie.. it’s because I didn’t even watch it. The movie kept playing, but we weren’t paying attention to it, so we started talking about each other again.
I asked him how he liked California so far. He talked about the differences. I talked about how I love San Diego and San Francisco. Then, he started talking about how he and his roommates thought I was cute. It made me blush. I didn’t know boys talked about things like that. But, I totally don’t mind. I’ve never felt this right before. I was finally blooming to the girl I longed to become. Then he asked me about my move to the US from the Philippines, I talked about how everything there is simple. I lived in a house where there was no electricity, such a simple life. I like small talks when I am cuddling with someone. Oh, we’re cuddling by now. He was behind me while laying down, embracing me, still caressing my skin. We continued talking- likes and dislikes, favorite movies, favorite color, etc. Then, I felt him kiss my neck. I let him do it for a couple of minutes. Then, I turned around and our lips met. It was a perfect moment. It was one of those priceless movie moments that I always wanted. It was sexy. I was making noises. It made me feel good inside. We kissed and cuddled all night long until we stopped and he left.
It would be every night that he would come over, and we would cuddle and make out. It was awesome, until his hands started exploring my body to where I didn’t want them to be. His hands were on my legs and working their way up to my private area. I told him, “No” and he stopped. It would be like this all night, he asked me why? I couldn’t tell him. He said its okay, I will go easy on you. He must have thought I was a virgin. Well, I was. He asked me what I was afraid of. He said, “Are you afraid to get pregnant?” I giggled inside. I told him, I have never done it before… I’ve never been touched down there. This would happen every night of cuddling and making out, he kept trying to explore my private area and I kept saying no. He kept trying to find out why, and I just kept saying I just didn’t want to. It led to a point when he got pissed, and he stopped coming over.
I felt bad, so I had to do something. Whenever I see him, it seemed like he didn’t want to see me. So I wrote him a letter about the situation. I wrote something along the lines of I am not who he thinks I am. I wrote him saying I would rather tell him in person than in that letter. So, he knocked on my door so we can talk. I went over at his balcony, and that’s when I started telling him. I said I hope you don’t kill me for what I am about to tell you, and he said his parents didn’t raise him to be that person. I couldn’t tell him, so he started guessing… After a couple of wrong guesses, he joked that I am not about to tell him I wasn’t born a girl. I said, yes. I wasn’t born a girl. Then, it was over. He said we could still be friends. But, after that day, he never spoke to me ever again until after he left. We’re facebook friends, and we chat once in a while. He is a graduate student at Columbia University now.
xoxo,
Jas
So our apartment has this huge balcony overlooking the bay. It was beautiful. One afternoon, I went out to enjoy the view in just boxers and a wife-beater (still very feminine, I had curves too) because my room had sliding doors to access the balcony. My clothes were comfy, and it was one of those days that I felt like staying at home and be comfortable with what I am wearing. I didn’t feel the need to dress up and put make up on (Oh, I did not wear make up at all my first two years in transition, unless it was a special occasion, and I think I was beautiful). It was summer so other students were moving in and moving out. There was a balcony next to ours and people in that apartment were just moving in. One minute I was just enjoying the sun and loving the view, and suddenly someone came out of th balcony next to ours… and I flew right back into my room. I felt was embarrassed and I was shy. I saw a glimpse of him, and I thought he was cute… typical boy next door with innocent looks. I liked that. I knew right then that he was Jewish because I’ve met a lot of Jewish guys in my first year at Cal, and I think they are definitely not bad to look at, perhaps even attractive. That afternoon, I ended up staying in my room and watching movies on alluc.org and hulu.com because I was still embarrassed about being in comfy clothes. Of course, I went out doing my daily routine like normal.
A few days after the incident, I heard a knock on our apartment door. I thought it was my roommates or the landlord at first, then I looked at the peeking hole and saw a cute guy. It was The Boy Next Door. He asked if he can borrow a can opener, and I didn’t have one so I suggested he asks the other neighbors. After a couple of hours, he knocked again asking for sugar… I was like, “Wth, he needs to buy his own.” But, the nice person in me gave him some. The next day, he knocked again asking to borrow a knife and a cutting board. It was weird. He has his own kitchen obviously, but I understand that he just moved in. So, I said sure and led him to our not-so-cute kitchen. That was the first time we talked about each other. He is from Chicago, and he is only taking some classes at Berkeley. He was 23, I think. He plays the guitar a lot, and he is learning about Flamengco. I have never heard it before, but apparently it is a genre of music. He seemed really passionate about it, which tickled my interest. I am not sure if I said this before in my previous blogs (LOL, the past 3 blogs), but I am attracted to men who are passionate about something. It can be a sports team or medicine or their career, I love it all. To me it shows that they are genuine, and I really like that! We talked about the view and how I loved it. He was jealous because their view is blocked by a tree. I felt bad, so I said… “Hey, you have two floors, and you have two balconies.” He said that ours was better. So, I said well you’re welcome to see the view whenever you want to.
Okay, that led to a really long conversation. So he left. I was waiting for hours until he returned the knife and cutting board, I was really waiting. I thought he was really cute and I wanted to see him again and talk to him again. Gosh, the girl in me is finally getting some boy action, after 19 years of suppressing it. After 3 hours or so, he knocked on the door and returned the knife & cutting board, then said thank you. I said you’re welcome! I didn’t know the whole flirting process then, so I was just going with the flow. He left, and I was sad… I thought to myself, “Does he like me?” It was a question that I couldn’t answer, but things are about to unfold.
He knocked on the door again after a couple of days. The door was unlocked and I told him to come in. I was chatting with my cousins from San Diego using Yahoo Messenger with a webcam. I was wearing short shorts and a tiny tank top. OMG, I was hella skinny then. I was in my bed and I was laying on my stomach with the laptop screen in front of me. He stood behind me, and he kinda surprised me. He didn’t surprise me because he just stood in front of me. He surprised me because I could see a huge bulge in his sweatpants. I was in awe. It was so big and I could just imagine myself playing with it. It was the biggest thing I have ever seen, I wanted to put my mouth on it. Instead, my shocked face was with an open mouth. Do you know when you’re surprised and your mouth opens wide? Well, maybe it is just me… but my mouth was open for that big thing! That was when I got really attracted to him. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him just what I was doing. I still chatting with my cousins.
Then he asked if he can check out my view, I said yes. At first, I was like… the view you’re giving me right now is so much better. Hahah. I told him it was better to see at night! Oh, I just realized it was July 4th. So he came that night and we both watched the fireworks. It was so cute. That was my first time watching the fireworks with someone other than my family or my friends. It was really cute. I went back inside my room, and he stayed out in the balcony. I was laying in my bed and decided to watch a movie. I don’t remember the movie that I started watching, but he also came back in after a couple of minutes. He asked me what I was doing, and I said I was watching a movie. He asked if he can join me, I said yes. So, he joined me in my bed.. We were apart at first, then he started getting closer. Our toes ended up touching, and they played with each other a bit. Then, his hands started caressing my arms… it almost felt like he was admiring the softness of my skin. I enjoyed it. At first I was a little shy, but I ended up doing the same thing to him. Our toes were playing with each other, our hands were exploring each other’s skin, each other’s bodies. This is probably why I can’t remember the movie.. it’s because I didn’t even watch it. The movie kept playing, but we weren’t paying attention to it, so we started talking about each other again.
I asked him how he liked California so far. He talked about the differences. I talked about how I love San Diego and San Francisco. Then, he started talking about how he and his roommates thought I was cute. It made me blush. I didn’t know boys talked about things like that. But, I totally don’t mind. I’ve never felt this right before. I was finally blooming to the girl I longed to become. Then he asked me about my move to the US from the Philippines, I talked about how everything there is simple. I lived in a house where there was no electricity, such a simple life. I like small talks when I am cuddling with someone. Oh, we’re cuddling by now. He was behind me while laying down, embracing me, still caressing my skin. We continued talking- likes and dislikes, favorite movies, favorite color, etc. Then, I felt him kiss my neck. I let him do it for a couple of minutes. Then, I turned around and our lips met. It was a perfect moment. It was one of those priceless movie moments that I always wanted. It was sexy. I was making noises. It made me feel good inside. We kissed and cuddled all night long until we stopped and he left.
It would be every night that he would come over, and we would cuddle and make out. It was awesome, until his hands started exploring my body to where I didn’t want them to be. His hands were on my legs and working their way up to my private area. I told him, “No” and he stopped. It would be like this all night, he asked me why? I couldn’t tell him. He said its okay, I will go easy on you. He must have thought I was a virgin. Well, I was. He asked me what I was afraid of. He said, “Are you afraid to get pregnant?” I giggled inside. I told him, I have never done it before… I’ve never been touched down there. This would happen every night of cuddling and making out, he kept trying to explore my private area and I kept saying no. He kept trying to find out why, and I just kept saying I just didn’t want to. It led to a point when he got pissed, and he stopped coming over.
I felt bad, so I had to do something. Whenever I see him, it seemed like he didn’t want to see me. So I wrote him a letter about the situation. I wrote something along the lines of I am not who he thinks I am. I wrote him saying I would rather tell him in person than in that letter. So, he knocked on my door so we can talk. I went over at his balcony, and that’s when I started telling him. I said I hope you don’t kill me for what I am about to tell you, and he said his parents didn’t raise him to be that person. I couldn’t tell him, so he started guessing… After a couple of wrong guesses, he joked that I am not about to tell him I wasn’t born a girl. I said, yes. I wasn’t born a girl. Then, it was over. He said we could still be friends. But, after that day, he never spoke to me ever again until after he left. We’re facebook friends, and we chat once in a while. He is a graduate student at Columbia University now.
xoxo,
Jas
7.01.2012
My song to him, his song to me...
My song to him.....
Baby,
now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so,
baby even though
You don't need me
now
Baby,
now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so
Baby even though
You don't need me,
You don't need me oh, no
Baby, baby,
when first we met
I knew in this heart of mine
That you were someone I couldn't forget.
I said right,
and abide my time
Spent my life looking
for that somebody
to make me feel like new
Now you tell me that you want to leave me
But darling, I just can't let you
[guitar & fiddle solo]
Baby, baby,
when first we met
I knew in this heart of mine
That you were someone I couldn't forget.
I said right,
and abide my time
Spent my life looking
for that somebody
to make me feel like new
Now you tell me that you want to leave me
But darling, I just can't let you
Now that I found you
I built my world around you
I need you so, baby even though
You don't need me now
Baby, now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so
Baby even though
You don't need me
You don't need me no, no
now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so,
baby even though
You don't need me
now
Baby,
now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so
Baby even though
You don't need me,
You don't need me oh, no
Baby, baby,
when first we met
I knew in this heart of mine
That you were someone I couldn't forget.
I said right,
and abide my time
Spent my life looking
for that somebody
to make me feel like new
Now you tell me that you want to leave me
But darling, I just can't let you
[guitar & fiddle solo]
Baby, baby,
when first we met
I knew in this heart of mine
That you were someone I couldn't forget.
I said right,
and abide my time
Spent my life looking
for that somebody
to make me feel like new
Now you tell me that you want to leave me
But darling, I just can't let you
Now that I found you
I built my world around you
I need you so, baby even though
You don't need me now
Baby, now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so
Baby even though
You don't need me
You don't need me no, no
His song to me...
"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"
Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
xoxo,
Jas
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