Is it worth it?

Changing my name and gender legally has been a long and expensive process. Multiple $25 visits to my therapist and endocrinologist, totaling to about $300. About $450 filing fee at the San Diego court. $120 to publish my court order at a local newspaper. It's fucking insane, please excuse my French! I often think to myself, "Is it worth it?" About $1000 to change my name and gender... two things that I have always been, but I guess the government thinks I need to pay and go through this because initially they think I am some terrorist or a fraudulent individual. It is fucking nuts!

Anyway, I should not be complaining. Other women have to go through surgery, breast/vagina, which can cost to $3000 to $28000! However, the hassle of going through the process of changing my name is fucking stupid. I am sorry for my foul language, I just seem to be really angry and pessimistic right now. It's fucking stupid how I have to deal with "This is a rare case" or "I have never done this before." So, the process takes extra longer. I mean, when I changed my gender marker at the DMV... it was the same thing. "The process is different, and I don't deal with this often." Read the employee manual and learn your job! Am I mean? I am just angry, because it sucks to be dealing with terrible service... making feel like I am so different, I am so alien to you that you have to take it to multiple people to figure it out. It is just so frustrating because the process is taking extra longer, and then they give you the look of confusion.

I feel like all this trouble is going to be worth it in the end. One of my trans friends who is a professional in the bay area said that it was a lot easier for her to land a job because the documentations matched the way she presented herself. In a way, I never felt like not changing my papers was a barrier that prevented me from landing a job. I felt like I was passable enough, but I always get nervous when it comes to background checks and paperwork. I waited 2 years to finally get my documentation right, and I hope it will go as smoothly as I planned.

This is just a quick negative rant, and I am sorry if I offended any of you. If you need help with filing court order for a name/gender change. The Transgender Law Center is a really good resource or feel free to ask me too!

Anyway, I know that this is all worth it. At the very least, it gives me hope that things will get better.

xoxo,

Jas

I hate masturbating

Seriously, it feels good... but I feel like I'm wasting all the estrogen that is being injected weekly, every Friday, into my body. I feel like it is not working, and somehow I see myself becoming more masculine that feminine. Back when I first started, I never felt the pleasure from masturbating... and everything was good.  I felt more beautiful when I was younger. Now, I feel like my body is becoming broader and my bone structure is becoming more rugged. I hella dislike my physical appearance right now. I know, it is hella wrong to think like this, but seriously cannot help it.

There are lots of reasons that I can easily believe. For example, I feel like injections are hella weaker than the pills. Whenever I get the injections, I feel like they overflow, because they use larger needles and not all the solution stay in my body. Or sometimes, I am even afraid to sit down because it is injected in the buttocks area, and sitting squeezes it out of my body. Somehow, I feel like the pills were way more effective because I drink them, and I am sure that 100% of the dose is staying in my body. The thing is... injections are way cheaper. They do not cost me anything but I waste my time waiting in the nurses clinic. Maybe I should just trust and believe in the injections, similar to the effects of placebo. But, I cannot pretend that way because I can see the effects everyday!  

Why? Why did I hit puberty late? Now, I feel like I am suffering from the consequences. I am hella sexually frustrated all the time, maybe because I have all the time in the world now that I only work part-time and go to school. But, even in college I rarely masturbated. I mean, I feel like I had the restrictions back when I was younger, but I feel like I just need self-control, which has been easily acquired before. It is just so confusing right now. Ugh, I seriously hate this. I often tell myself not to do it anymore, but I end up doing it a couple minutes after committing to not doing it. It is so weird... It is the same things as food. I've gained so much weight from eating a lot and not exercising. I use to exercise a lot, even 2-3 hours a day, 3-5 times a week. But, I rarely do now. I use to eat less than 800 calories a day, of course there are outliers but they never affected me before. Now, I eat three times a day almost 2400 calories or more. What is wrong with me? I have been doing things that are so out of the ordinary.... I

Yes, I am no professional and this post should not be taken as seriously as I am taking in. I do not have the background or degree to make the assumption that masturbating has somehow led me to becoming more manly, perhaps orgasm releases the estrogen that is being injected into my body weekly. And, masturbating is the reason why I am not getting any results from 10mg of weekly estrogen.  But, I believe this! s this normal? I have never felt this manly before... until now that I hit puberty and I am finally getting pleasure. Maybe other's have similar experiences

I need to get back to my old routine. eating less, and exercising more. I have been trying, but it has been hella difficult. I feel like a pussy, because I have all the time in the world... it's just so much harder now because I feel like everyone will be looking at me and judging me. It was hella easier when I was less fat. Ugh, I hate this. What is this self-loathe? it is not self-loathe.... I feel like I am just aware of my own body, or maybe I am just bipolar because I contradict myself a lot. This blog is hella word vomit, but I don't really care anymore. These are my thoughts, and they appear when they do. I am just hella random like that. Blah, blah, blah. I can do it! I need to lose weight so I can go out and go crazy again. OMG. I feel like I haven't been going out because I am embarrassed of myself, and nothing fits me anymore. It's annoying. 

Anyway, back to disliking masturbation since that got your attention. Because I have been thinking a lot lately about the reasons why I look the way I do, I figured one of the reasons is because I have been masturbating more recently. I need to stop, like seriously. It is bad for my health and my appearance. I tell myself that now, and then before I sleep... I masturbate. It's makes it easier to sleep right after.... Ugh, this is too confusing. I don't want to do it anymore, but it is going to disrupt my current routine. I have been relying on it so that I can sleep more easily at night, especially when it is very late and I cannot sleep. 

Maybe it is really not masturbating or the estrogen/spirolactone pills not working... maybe it is just me, who needs to take the responsibility of accepting it is my fault, that I need to stop eating a lot, I need to stop eating unhealthy, and I need to be more active. I hope so, so that I means, I can work towards a goal, my desired body. I just need to stick to it, because I have been planning weekly goals for the past 6 months and it hasn't worked. Starting today, Aug. 1, I will no longer eat rice or red meat. I will no longer eat junk food. My diet will consist mainly of vegetables and fruits, fresh and organic ones. 

Oh, and I will be speaking with my endocrinologist to see if I can increase my dosage. I want it, I crave it. I am hella obsessed with it. I know he does not want to because I want him to know that I want more results. 

xoxo,

Jas