Big dreams - to foster personal growth and community empowerment within the transgender community

Maybe too big of a dream, but I know it is possible.

With my experience in domestic violence and helping victims toward self-sufficiency, I envision some day that I am involved in empowering transgender women. My experience in social services and shelter programs for women here in San Diego inspired me to think critically about my identity and serve the transgender community, who do not have access to adequate programs and services here in San Diego county. As I have discussed in my previous blog post about the barriers of accessing quality health care here in San Diego, it was a challenge to find the hormones that I needed to continue my transition and to become the person I have always been. Even with the Family Health Center's STAR Program, there is not enough funding nor culturally competent leaders to mobilize the transgender community. From what my own research and experience, getting into their program is difficult because it is limited to contacting them through the phone (which is either busy or goes directly to voicemail) and attending Tuesday group meetings that can be a hassle or can fill up within seconds. So I wonder, how many transgender individuals are not getting the services they need? Are there any quality programs and services that meet the needs of the growing, significant number of transgender population in greater San Diego area?

I cannot give a definite answer to this question, but from personal experience,  we do not have adequate resources for transgender individuals or non-conforming gender identities. Too often, I've seen friends purchase their hormones from the streets, from friends of friends of friends,  from the Mexican border... without knowing what's actually in the pills, where it came from, why it is way cheaper, and most importantly, what it is doing to our bodies. A skeptic may investigate why we go to extremes to shape our bodies... we do this to conform to the gender norms, to become the classically defined "voluptuous women," to be treated normal, to avoid trans-phobia... ultimately, to be ourselves, to be safe, to be amazing! I recall the first time I found a physician who specializes in transgender patients, she scared me because I had 8 times the normal estrogen level, which can cause breast cancer and cardiovascular diseases. It was then that I realize that I needed to stop, and I did not want my friends to unknowingly poison their bodies. In an effort to inform them about the repercussions of self-medication, I talk about my experience and the privilege of having access to a licensed and culturally competent physician. Furthermore, I would to do more... to become a voice for the transgender community.

With my experiences in women's activism in San Diego, I am definitely learning how to mobilize the transgender community. As a Domestic Violence counselor at YWCA, I help women achieve their potential for greatness -- to become independent, self-sufficient, and and successful. I believe that I can do this for transgender women as well, and I am saddened that we do not have any opportunities, such as what have been modeled by the Transgender Economic Empowerment in San Diego. Because there are no organizations that provide this, I would like to initiate one in San Diego County. I plan to lead a multi-faceted  organization that not only provides economic empowerment, but also supportive services such as Emergency Shelter and Transitional Housing, where transgender women can be on the right track. I envision a house that fosters sisterhood and growth, where services can include counseling, case management, etc. Moreover, I would also like to provide financial and health education to transgender women. I feel that this is necessary in achieving the goal of mobilizing the transgender community. These services are what I've have learned and believe to be effective in helping people, and I hope someday we are able to provide such services in San Diego.

Additionally, I work on special projects and community outreaches for the SD Domestic Violence Council. I assist with events promoting awareness and elimination of domestic violence throughout the county. With my previous experience in Pacific Center of Human Growth, Berkeley, CA, I saw the effects of community education in action, which is why I am currently involved in fighting domestic violence. I have not found any organization that educates the community about the transgender experience, and I cannot wait to initiate it here in San Diego. Educating the community about marginalized populations is one of the best way to eliminate racism and empowering transgender women. With my presence, I not only demystify stereotypes that devalue the transgender identity, but I also serve as an advocate for trans-youth and encouraging them to pursue dreams because their successes are attainable. Just to get our voices heard is already something, but do reach out to those who have narrow minds will do something greater. It is not to argue a one-sided perspective, but to be heard and have our opinions considered. Right now, I help my supervisor with events training medical and social service providers on how to identify and serve domestic violence victims, and I know that this effort makes a difference in how we provide services. I want lead such effort with the transgender community, to help diminish barriers to health care and other social services.

I am currently a frontline worker and I may not be in a leadership position right, but I know that I am working from the ground up. I am fortunate to be involved in social services because I am learning a lot, and I am looking to advance my knowledge and skills to one day serve the transgender community. I applied to SDSU's MA in Women's Studies program because I would like to learn women's activism from start to present. Now, it is the waiting game. Accepted or not, I will continue my advocacy efforts and I know that someday we will achieve transgender equality. Some day, the world will see us as equal citizens. I know, it is POSSIBLE!

This sounds more like a personal statement than the application I sent. Let's hope it was enough. Fingers crossed.

XOXO,

Jas

PS. Do you think this is possible? Would you like to become involve? Maybe a Pepsi Project material? Let me know your opinions!

Oh, and this is my February post. Just in case I don't get to write one next month.

xoxo,

Jas

Dodging Gender-specific questions...

From my past blog entries, I've written about my current hormone intake. I am currently on 200mg/day of spirolactone and 10mg/week of estradiol. I take spirolactone daily, and I go to the nurses clinic every Friday... because it is more convenient for me, albeit some of you may argue otherwise if you have work or other weekday commitments. It was difficult when I was going to school and working at the same time, but now my flexible schedule allows me to go to the nurse's clinic, which I prefer... because when I self-injected, I doubted myself, whether or not I was doing it right. Also, it is free... so I'd rather go to a professional than do it wrong while paying at least $60/month. For now it is the best option; however, it is a hassle when I am constantly bombarded with questions that are gender-specific and my responses may reveal my gender at birth. In this situation, I have a choice between: to trust that the nurse is culturally competent or to dodge the questions and re-direct her to what is most relevant to my health.

Last Friday, I went to my usual visit to the nurse's clinic. The front desk reps and nurses know me pretty well by now, well maybe not a friendly-acquaintance-kind-of-know... but, they do recognize me every time I come in. My experience has been the same every time, but this Friday is particularly different because I was triggered to write about my experience in dealing with medical providers and the realizing the need to train culturally competent (sensitive to gender non-conforming identities) providers. I am forced to write about the repetitive questions that are ultimately insensitive to my feelings about the issue.

Like I said, I've gone through this every time I go to the nurse's clinic. I dodge the questions. Recently, I learned that pap smears are for older women or women who are sexually active. Additionally, the HPV vaccine is common in women... and both HPV and pap smears are preventative of cervical cancer. Obviously, I do not have a vagina, yet, but HPV can also affect men... however, it may not have similar effects. I may be lying to the medical professional, but I have discovered that telling them what I learned.... "I am young and I am not sexually active" excuses me from taking scheduling a pap smear exam. Of course, they tell me that they are required to ask me for procedure purposes. So, every... every Friday, I prepare myself. I think of a line to dodge the question, and sometimes go off on tangent when the nurse is trying to make a conversation. In the past, I have used... "I will schedule it when I have the time," "I already had it done at another organization," or now my go to is... "I heard that I do not need it because of my age and I am not sexually active." I dodge the questions because they are not relevant to me, and I do not need to reveal my unwanted gender identity with providers that I am not permanently attached with.

I understand that it is a routine procedure to ask about an overdue pap smear or suggested HPV vaccine for recommended for my age group. I understand that the nurses are just doing their job, and they are only asking for my health and well-being... I commend them for that. In fact, I've gotten used to the questions that I've come up of several ways to dodge them. To some extent, I feel like I became numb... not flinching whenever someone asks me why I am taking spirolactone or estrogen, I don't feel like I am being read (or my transgender identity has been revealed). While there is a patient confidentiality clause, I do not think that it is necessary to tell them about my medical records... In fact, I am pretty sure that they already have access to them, but it is easier to ask than read a long record of medical notes etc. I understand that they are only trying to make a conversation to make the minutes go by quickly, but please be mindful that I do not need to tell you anything unless it is relevant or unless I want to. For now, I am re-directing the conversations... Last Friday, when the nurse asked me why I am taking estradiol... I immediately started telling her that the needle didn't hurt as much as last week's and I commented her on her gentle hands. For as long as possible, I would like to keep my secret a secret... and continue my weekly encounter with the nurses without making it awkward or weird.

My interactions with medical providers increased my knowledge about the medications I am taking. For example, I learned that spirolactone is used to treat heart, liver, and/or kidney disease from a pharmacist who asked me why I am taking spirolactone at a young age. I am often asked that, and why I am taking estrogen. Last Friday, my nursed asked why I am using estrogen, I stood quiet. She further investigated by asking if I am using it to increase sexual appetite, to prevent menstruation, or to strengthen bones and prevent bone loss. I take my nurse clinic visits as very informational, because I learn something everyday... I hope that someday, I can be brave enough to share myself with them... so they can learn not to ask gender-specific questions, because it made me uncomfortable... and noone deserves to feel that way in a medical environment.

I have scheduled my next appointment with my awesome endocrinologist. I am going to ask him about my weight gain, and hopefully he can suggest things to lower my BMI. Also, I will be asking him about signing the DMV form to change my gender marker... hopefully by May, my 24th bday, I will have it changed. I also scheduled my 2nd Psychiatry appointment, and I am excited. I will write about it soon!




xoxo,

Jas

Meeting the parents!

It is the most nerve-racking experience ever! In every romantic/intimate relationship, meeting the parents is one of the most important part of building a great relationship. I get to know him from another perspective, and his family give him feedback on how I match with him and their qualifications for a perfect partner for him. It takes the relationship to the next level because it shows the two of us how compatible we are with each other's families.

A million things pop-up in my mind when I meet a partner's parents for the first time! I am nervous because I want them to like me. I want to show them the best side of me... to make a lasting impression. It is never easy... I worry not only whether they'd like me or not, but also whether they can read me. In trans-terms, "to be read" is to be figured out... in other words, I may not be as passable as I thought. I remember my second year of transition, I was already using the women's bathroom. I was happy with where I was, until I encountered two Pilipina ladies talking about how I was a man in the women's restroom... little did they know, I speak Tagalog and could understand them fluently. Ever since, I am constantly watching myself... making sure that every act or words are as feminine as they can be.

The first time a partner invited me to meet his parents, I was overjoyed because my partner is confident enough that his parents will like me. However, I kindly declined. I am afraid of the things his parents will say. As a trans-person from a strict Roman Catholic family, I endured so many ignorant comments from elders in the family. It might be a generational gap kind-of-thing to be tolerant of non-conforming identities or ideas... but to be treated as less than who I am as a person (a Cal graduate, with an altruistic perspective, involved in making a difference) is unacceptable! I am constantly working with my family, to make them more tolerant of my identity and others, but it takes time... and I think to myself, if I can't do it with my own, how the hell am I going to do it with somebody else's. Making assumptions is a horrible trait of mine, and I am hella working on it to become a better person!

One of my biggest mistakes is assuming that everyone is the same. I am not going to lie, I compare men from other men I've dated. I take the things that they do as a sign of how the relationship will continue or end in the long run. If he did this and he treated me like crap, the next person who does the same thing will treat me like crap. Same goes for families... If my family makes fun of my identity, other families will make a joke about it too! Little did I know, that is all BULLSHIT! When I say "Be vulnerable," I mean it... It's hard for me to follow my own advice, but when I do... I am always glad that I am able to listen to myself. In a relationship, I go with my gut. I say what I need to say, I ask what I need to ask, and I do what I need to do! I'm never going to find out if I don't do anything about things I worry about.

When my partner (the first ever to take me home) asked me to meet his parents for the first time, I hesitated and made him wait for 2 months of longer. Luckily, we were only 3 months officially into the relationship. I told him why I was afraid to meet his parents... I didn't want his parents to find out who I am and make assumptions of his identity. I am ignorant for thinking that his parents are narrow-minded, or even I have hella low self-esteem for thinking that they'll read me. Even SRS is out of the question, because to be honest... we must still tell them if we want to be honest. He assured me that even if his parents figure it out (which he explained will be surprising because I am beautiful), he will still like me. Isn't he the sweetest thing?  He persisted and we even fought about it! I stuck to my decision, and finally met his parents when the two months came.

It was an awesome experience! I enjoyed getting to know his family, they spoke well of him and it makes me happy when a guy is hella family-oriented. It is refreshing to see a close-knit, supportive family. One of the things I am afraid of... is breaking that bond when they find out about me and they do not support it. I would hate to be the reason for that... Anyway, one thing I am struggling with is... whether we should be honest and tell them or just let it go with the flow! I like the latter, because we are not being dishonest... we are merely being a a regular couple.

Back to the first meeting the parents ever, it was nerve-racking, but I am really happy we met each other's parents. We are growing together, and each day is bring us closer and closer! The millions of thoughts in my head that make me crazy... are all worth the satisfaction of being with an amazing person! Plus, I had a good time with his family... :)

Recap of my thoughts/feelings before, during, and after dinner:
1.) Hella nervous - Jas, breathe... act like you're going to meet new friends!
2.) Hella conscious - Jas, you are beautiful... just be yourself and they'll either like or dislike you!
3.) Hella quiet - Jas, be an active listener... say more that just "Awww" or "Nice!" Complement them, ask questions, add the things you already know about them!
4.) Hella nervous - Jas, impress them with your awesomeness... you do amazing work and let yourself shine!
5.) Hella eating fast - Jas, slow down... you have all the time in the world!
6.) Hella nervous - Jas, be confident... be real, and be yourself!
7.) Hella calm - Great, keep at it!
8.) Hella on a roll - Keep going!
9.) Hella happy - I had fun... it was awesome meeting amazing people that make him awesome!
10.) Hella want more - I can't wait to get to know them even more!

Overall, meeting parents is hella work! In addition to worrying about whether they'd like me or not, I was thinking about my actions and my voice... whether they'd out I am a different girl. But, during dinner... I didn't even think about my transgender identity, I was just there... a girl meeting my boyfriend's parents! It was overwhelming, but I came out knowing that I was real... I was myself!


xoxo,

Jas



PS. The whole time I was thinking... OMG they're going to think he got my pregnant. My big gut and the extra 30 lbs. FML!

Chivalry?

Yes, I admit... I appreciate chivalry despite my strong beliefs in feminist theory and activism. It may as well be a double standard: while I advocate efforts to empower women and help them become self-sufficient and independent citizens, I would still want a man to open the door for me, walk side-by-side to protect me, etc. Perhaps, I am suffering from the effects of the media that perpetuates gender norms and ultimately permeates institutional oppression, but I know that there is nothing wrong with a man making a woman feel good.

Although I asked my boyfriend not to give me flowers or chocolates, it would be nice if he did. I know that he listens, which is the best trait a guy could have. However, I would love it if he challenges my beliefs and does the sweetest things without the direction of others. Traditions should not encourage him to give me all these things, but he should give me flowers because each petals are perfect and it reminds him of me. I only ask that he does things for his own reasons. Yes, I can open a door, get myself flowers, or protect myself... but it feels amazing when someone else does that for me because it's his way of saying that he loves me.

My boyfriend does not do all these things, but he still somehow makes me happy. The simplest smile is the best thing that I want to keep seeing all the time. I love waking up next to him and cuddling with him in the morning. I want to make him as happy as he makes me. I feel that in relationships, happiness should be given from both sides. Instead of giving me ideal happiness, my boyfriend is different. He is real: he tells me when I am wrong and he motivates me. Today, we went running because I have been telling him that I need to lose weight. Somehow I feel like I shouldn't be so honest, because when I point out my flaws... the more they become apparent. He does tell me I am beautiful, but also supports me and tells me that he will help me get to my goal. He also helps me understand that everything should not be rushed and encourages me to be patient. He seriously makes me feel like the luckiest girl on earth. I love this feeling!

My boyfriend and I are going back to school next week, so we are both financially responsible. We either go dutch most of the time... or he pays for one meal then I pay the other. I always date this way, no matter who/what/where/when/why it may be. I feel like it is the best arrangement! Here is where chivalry is irrelevant. I feel that as an empowered woman, I am capable of paying for myself and I like having the opportunity to pay for dates. I demonstrate that I am an independent woman. It is my ideal relationship because we are not co-dependent on each other.

I love that he supports me and I support him. I love that he listens and I listen. We don't do it because it is give and take... I do it because I like him and I know he does it for the same reason. This week, he let me speak about my experiences as a transgender woman, and it was the best moment thus far! I didn't get any questions, but I did get words of wisdom. He is amazing!

I am not sure what this blog means. I thought about it... and I know I said I will never write something about someone I care deeply about. However, I am not taking about him, but merely my experiences in my current relationship. I care about him a lot, and like I said already... I feel like I am the luckiest girl!

xoxo,

Jas

PS. One of my NY resolutions is writing a blog post at least once a month, which may be more because I have too much time on my hands. LOL

Happiness

I am extremely happy with where I am, career- and personal life-wise. I have been with my boyfriend for six months now, and he makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Although we encountered a huge misunderstanding last month, we were able to move on from it and become a stronger couple. I am really glad that I met him, even in the not-so-conventional way. As I said before, he doesn't make me feel different, yet he's still able to make me feel special.

When I first started dating, I was conflicted with the idea of being objectified and eroticized as a sexual deviant. I did not want to date a homosexual man nor a straight man who fetishizes transgender women. I am a heterosexual woman, and I deserve to find love. My current boyfriend gives me that. I am attracted to him physically and mentally. He makes me happy, and seeing him smile makes me feel good. I am happiest with him, but that's not all that makes me happy.

Last month, I quit my job and it is by far the most courageous decision of my life. I say courageous because I lost my primary source of income. However, I feel that I couldn't be stuck and I needed to move on. I am currently working on my personal statement to apply for a MA in Women's Studies at SDSU, and I am extremely excited for positive news in the next couple of months. I hope to be accepted so that I can learn more about myself and my transgender identity, then be a leader in advocating for transgender rights. I battled with this idea ever since I made the decision to transition, because I wanted to live my life as a woman but being involved in transgender activism will deter me from living my life as one. I realized that my transgender identity does not define me, but gives me a unique perspective. I hope to utilize this perspective to become a voice in the community and guide other transgender youth toward their dreams. I look forward to be given an opportunity to advance my leadership skills and knowledge at SDSU, if given the chance.

I am also attending a local community college, and I will be taking prerequisites for nursing. It is my back-up plan, just in case the MA doesn't work out. I am constantly working towards a satisfying career, rewarding both monetarily and mentally.

I have also been working towards personal growth. I am working out and eating healthy to regain a beautiful body and full health. I want to shape my body toward my desired health. I also am working towards looking more feminine as I wait for my 24th birthday to finally change my gender marker. I will get back to working with my endocrinologist and psychiatrist to help me get back on track toward becoming a woman.

I am happy where I am, and I will get to where I want to be as long as I continue to work towards my goals.

xoxo,

Jas