I have been going to therapy for quite some time now. It is actually refreshing to have someone listen and affirm every little thoughts in my head. It can be about anything. Yesterday was my shortest and longest session ever! As many of you may know, I am in the process of changing my name and gender marker through the San Diego Court. I am only waiting for the letter from my endocrinologist confirming that I have undergone "clinically appropriate treatment." I will hopefully get everything done before my Master's program starts. Meanwhile, I also plan on applying for the Jim Collins Foundation (jimcollinsfoundation.org) grant to help me pay for breast augmentation. I know that is is something cosmetic, but it is way more than that to me. It will give me more confidence in my physical appearance and will a I asked my therapist to write a letter of support, as it is one of the requirements of the application. It has been a long process, and she asked me to complete an psychological evaluation to make sure that there isn't anything out-of-the-ordinary. She was pretty confident, and she explained that she didn't question my gender identity. She only wanted something on record that proves that she evaluated all areas of my gender identity.
Friday morning, I woke up at 7:00am to make it to my 9:00am appointment. My brother worked close by, so I gave him a ride (he's an environmentalist, nature-lover is more like it - the kind who doesn't like driving and prefer carpool/public/bike). The drive was quiet. Therapy or my transgender identity is not something we talk about often. In fact, he tells me not to do anything with my body. After dropping him off, I drive to the Psychiatry Office. I waited in my car for a few minutes, asking myself if I am ready for the test. I said to myself, "Just do it! Whatever happens, happens!"
I went up the stairs, checked in with the receptionist, and waited in the lobby. I was 30 minutes early, which is recommended. During those 30 minutes, so many thoughts were in my mind. I was thinking about my master's program, about the possibility of breast augmentation, finally getting to change my name, etc. Surprisingly, the thought of being alone in that moment stood out the most. It stood out, because I spent most of my time thinking about it.
I always imagined having a friend right by my side. I even dreamed that my boyfriend would be with me at that moment. But, noone was there. I pride myself in having such a good support system, but I felt so alone at this time. I guess I was asking for too much. Clearly, I couldn't have anyone in my family there because their support is limited to no surgeries/hormones, which they do not understand how it is helping me. The few real friends that I have are mostly in the Bay Area, at least the friends that stood by me when big changes happened, good or bad. I kept telling my therapist that my boyfriend is my biggest support, but he is busy and he has other priorities. Yes, I was asking too much when these thoughts were in my head, but it would have felt awesome to have someone there holding my hand, waiting in the lobby, and greeting me congratulations when I complete the test. It would have felt amazing!
I tried to keep myself occupied. I grabbed a La Jolla magazine, and I immediately re-directed my thoughts. It was five minutes before 9:00am, and I was looking at a house, imagining one day that I would have a family of my own.Oh, I cannot wait until that time comes. Anyway, Dr. Karen called my name, so I went and followed her to her office. I sat, and we got started right away! We talked about all the things I mentioned above - name change, grant, breast augmentation. I told her that I am still working on the essay part, where I talk about myself and how will the breast augmentation help me in my future. I informed her that I am confident with my body now, but I will be more comfortable with breasts because it will make me look more feminine. I also told her about my weight gain problem. I don't like my body proportions, how my arms are big, and I see myself as masculine when I look in the mirror. I was telling her about how my boyfriend tells me I am beautiful, even with the 40 lbs, but inside I don't see what he sees. I told her that I want to be comfortable in my own skin, and while I portray myself as confident... I don't internally. The breast augmentation will help me progress in my transition to becoming fully woman. The session was short and sweet, but it was made longer by the evaluation at the end.
Before I started the evaluation, she explained everything to me clearly. She emphasized that the evaluation is done only to make sure that she did not miss anything. I was led into a room by myself with two pencils, a scantron, and the booklet with 567 questions. They are all TRUE/FALSE, but I always find these questions harder because I can interpret it any way I want. Some questions were vague or some phrases were unfamiliar. After the first 6 questions, I asked her to explain the phrase to me. She tried, but I still didn't understand. I found that I had similar thoughts with a number of the questions. She said, just do the best that I can! So I did, but I couldn't help but over think a lot of the questions. How will the interpret during evaluation?
There was one particular question that I skipped: I have thought about being the opposite sex.
- While I do not have the sexual organs... I see myself as a woman, and I have never thought about myself as a man. So, I answered it as FALSE.
- However, I feel like I misunderstood. Sex is between the legs, and gender is between the ears! I hope that she understands why I answered the way I did.
There were only a few questions about gender. I found that a lot of the questions asked about stomach pain and pain in general. It also asked about interest, particularly crime, mystery, etc. Surprisingly, I also answered questions whether I would go for specific careers, ie. nursing, crime investigator, construction, etc. I found it extremely weird because modern society allows all genders to pursue these careers. I am not sure how relevant these questions were, but I answered as honest to the best of my interpretation.
I have to wait until July 6th to get the results. Hopefully the only thing they find is that I have a hard time focusing, which is evident during the evaluation. I took hella breaks! So, I hope she prescribes me aderall (I don't know how to spell it and I am too lazy to look it up!) or something.
I hope she sends me the letter as soon as possible. I would really like to send it my grant application. They only award 2 out of 300+ applicants! I am hoping I get it because there is no other way that I am going to be able to fund my surgery. Also, one of the requirements is fundraising on our own, which I am currently working on.
1.) This blog is one of my fundraising tool. I make money through the ads posted. Please continue to share my blog with everyone and add my page on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Becoming-Jasmine/149150661823604?bookmark_t=page
2.) I am putting $25-50 into savings, but it has been really difficult because I have been living paycheck to paycheck since January 2012.
3.) I am applying for another job (at Nordstrom, hopefully because their insurance cover surgeries for transgender).
4.) I created a fundraising account.
http://becomingjasmine.chipin.com/jasmines-breast-augmentation. If you have hella pennies in a jar, it would hella help!
5.) I am still gathering more ideas for fundraising! :)
Oh, and I just wanted to thank a special friend, KAEGY! :) Thank you so much for always being there for me! I love you always!
xoxo,
Jas
