My boyfriend is moving to China...

And, I don't know how I feel about it yet. Of course, I am sad, because I know that I will miss him a lot and it will be difficult to communicate with each other, i.e. the time zone difference, China's strict internet regulations, etc. etc. But, I am also very happy for him, because I know that it has been what he's been wanting to do ever since I met him. I love him so much that I want him to follow his dreams. I want him to be happy, and I don't want to be that girl who controls everything he does. Of course, I am afraid, because I don't want to be another long distance relationship that will end up not working. But, I believe that it is up to the two of us if we want to make it or break it. I think we took it to the next level, because my boyfriend finally said "I love you." It assures me that our relationship is solid, and he wants to make it work as well. I know this because it took him 1.5 years to actually say these words. It took that long, and I know that he actually meant it. It was so cute because of how it happened.

We were sitting in a table at our favorite cafe called Lestat's Coffee. We both go to school so we spend a lot of our time at cafes studying. I know, pretty boring... but its my ideal relationship right now because I am in the process of studying to achieve my goals and to follow my career path. I am really happy because we are both really supportive of each other, and we motivate each other. So, as  studying at cafes seem to be a normal part of our relationship... I noticed something different. I felt like Phillip wanted to say something, and I immediately asked him, "What's up?" He said nothing at first, but he then asked how I felt about him moving to China. I was really emotional that day, and I was teary-eyed when I started explaining to him that I am excited for him because I know it has been something that he's been wanting to do ever since we met, but I also told him that it will be difficult and I will miss him a lot. I was hella teary-eyed that I started explaining it to him... I was so overwhelmed with school because I am contemplating on withdrawing the program, which I am still doing despite getting straight As. I haven't told him about it, actually I have mentioned it a couple of times before, but he wants me to continue because he believes in me. To some extent, I feel like when he moves to China, it will be easier for me to withdraw because I don't want to disappoint him. I feel like we are at a point of our relationship where my decisions affect him now, and vice versa. He asked if I wanted to take a walk and talk outside. I said yes.

We walked, and stopped at a street corner, right under a lit lamp post. There he asked me why I was emotional that morning and throughout the day. At first I told him, it is because school is overwhelming right now. Then, he asked further. he is that kind of guy. He knows me, and he knows when I am keeping something from him. Then, I finally expressed "because you are leaving..." I restated what I already said about how I felt about him moving to China. i explained to him how I knew it was going to happen eventually. During this time, I was also thinking "I don't know how it is going to work, because we haven't even said "I love you" to each other yet. I don't know if he could read my thoughts, because I feel like I can't hide them... but he said it. He said " I love you." He explained, "Babe, the reason why I have been very different and it looks like I am about to say something is... I have been working up the courage to say that I love you. I have been wanting to say it, and I am happy that I finally got the courage to tell you." The awkward person in me asked him, "Why are you telling me this now?" He said that it is because it is how he felt, and he's been wanting to say it, but never had the chance to do so. I asked him, "It's not because you are moving to China right?" He answered, "Well, no. But, thinking about moving to China made me realize that I love you, because I was conflicted." I was overjoyed, because I have been waiting for this moment, and it finally happened. Love found me, and it is not just love. It is incredible love. It is real love. It is true love. At this time, he also said that it was not for sure yet, because his interview was the next day, but I told him that I knew he was going to get it because he is an amazing man. And, he did get the teaching position.

After a couple of days, I met with his mom, and she was surprised that I was so supportive of him leaving. I explained that I know it will be difficult and I will miss him a lot, but I know it is what he wants to do and I am so proud of him. We have been trying to spend more time together, but it is finals time. But, after this busy time of the year, we are hoping to spend more time together. We are actually going on a 5-day trip to San Francisco. I am playing tour-guide because the last and only time he's been in San Francisco is when he was 9. I am so excited to show him the city that allowed me to be myself, that fostered my growth as a mature woman, and that introduced me to many awesome friends. I can't wait for him to meet my friends because they are amazing, and for my friends to meet him because he is amazing. I hope these five days will be refreshing and will be filled with awesome memories so that our relationship will continue to build itself and will continue to grow strong. 

Again, I don't know how to feel about my boyfriend moving to China. My thoughts are definitely mixed with emotions, but I am confident that we can make it work. I just need to make sure that I do not go psycho girlfriend, which I am not, but sometimes I get too psycho. I just need to let things go and let things happen without me trying to think about it nor trying to stop it. I can't wait for him to start his life in China, and I look forward to seeing him again. He said that I should visit him when I have the time to, and he is also willing to subsidize my airfare. However, I will only go if I pay for my own, because I want to visit him for myself first. :) I am so excited for him because he is following his dreams, and I can't wait for him to be what he wants to be. 

xoxo,

Jas

Reminiscing College

Oh those amazing years when I didn't worry about a thing! I remember the first boy who approached me, and it was kind of magical. I was barely starting my transition to becoming Jasmine around that time. I was not taking hormones yet. Actually, I was still considering it because I was scared of self-medicating and the side effects that may occur. I had shorter than shoulder-length hair, no make-up, and I would say gender-neutral clothes - tight jeans and fit shirts. Around that time, boys were not on my mind... but one morning that all changed.

During my first semester at Berkeley, I enrolled in an 8:00 am class. Not only that, it was also Calculus, which made me develop hatred for Math, which I loved in high school. Little did I know, it is not the same as high school, when I had 0 period for Show Choir and I would wake up at 5:00 am to make it to my 6:00 am class. College was way different!

I was really happy that I went to Berkeley because the dorms were coed, including the communal bathroom, so I didn't have to be nervous about going into the "wrong" bathroom. I still remember when one of my next door neighbors would look at me and say hi all the time... I still remember the look of confusion when they try to figure out whether or not the triple boy's room was a boy's room or girl's room. I was happy for being passable at that stage of my transition. It was bound to happen when that confusion would lead to the truth, and they would all discover that I am different. Some of my floor mates were nice about it, but the guys were just brutal! I am attaching a picture of a Facebook thread that one of my roommate posted on his wall. I deleted him after that. I am writing all over the place again, like always.

Anyway, it was around 7:00 am and Crossroads dining commons just opened. I usually get breakfast there before class because I really like the omelettes and bacon and sausage. Oh, I miss the days when I could eat everything I want. Fast metabolism, please come back! I was sitting in the dark corner by myself, and all of a sudden this handsome boy approached me and asked "Do you mind if I sit with you?" I was surprised because we were 2 out of about 10-15 students in a more than 200 capacity dining hall. I got nervous right away, and I said "Sure!" when I really meant, "No, I don't mind." I was hella stuttering because I didn't know why he approached me. I was nervous. I remember myself shaking while I ate... It was the most awkward sight ever. I miss college introductions, "What is your name?" "Where are you from" "What year are you?" "Major?" "Which unit do you live in?"... and on and on. Oh those years were awesome, meeting new friends and talking about future plans. I was pretty shy then, and I didn't know how to socialize much, so I hurried away... He must have thought I was the weirdest and most awkward girl he's ever met.

I thought about it over and over. His name is Ben B., same age as me, lived in Putnam Hall, from the Half Moon Bay, Computer Science major. I still remember the way he smiled at me. I'm still trying to figure out why he approached me. Did he know I was trans? Did he see me as a girl? Or did he see  me as a boy? I never know, because I was so awkward that no friendships developed after that. I still thought about him though, because I pronounce him "the-guy-who-approached-me-first." I stalked him, and I still do from time to time. I would see him from time to time, and I would cautiously check him out all the time. He is so handsome, well not really... but he is handsome because he had the guts to approach me, he was friendly, and he seemed very driven. He has a girlfriend now, but I know that I would never have the chance anyway. Every guy who finds out about me either runs away or their perception of me changes...they are attracted to me at first, but once they find out that small part of me, they get distant, they build a wall... etc.

I am suppose to be working on an assignment right now, but I just thought about writing this and I couldn't stop thinking. I wanted to share because it was the first time that I ever thought about boys, the first time that I felt attractive to them. I knew I was a girl, but this is the first time I ever thought about the possibility of being with someone. So, I thank you Ben B. for letting me know that I am attractive... that I do need make-up or revealing clothes. I still wear these when I go out, because it is just the norm. Well, not necessarily revealing but flattering. Plus I feel that the more revealing the clothing, the more attention someone gets, which is not something I am going for. From my experience when I go out with trans-friends, it is the girl who wears the sexiest clothes who gets the most attention, but also gets the most raised eyebrows. When I go out, I dress to impress! I look back, and I cannot help but smile at those memories. Yes, I was that awkward shy, girl... but that was me! Without that experience, I wouldn't be smiling as much right now, because these tiny details about me are what makes me a better person today.

I am still that awkward girl. Whenever I hang out with Phillip, I feel like I am so awkward all the time. I guess awkward is how I feel when I am around men I am attracted to.

xoxo,

Jas\

What is this feeling... (Just being a girl)

What is this feeling... Sometimes I feel like a complete woman, no need for surgeries or any other materialistic desires. But, I often feel like the surgeries will make things better, the ability to afford clothing that are on trend will make me more attractive. Sometimes, I don't understand why my boyfriend likes me. Why he tells me that "You are beautiful" every time I see him. I feel like I don't deserve it. Knowing what his ex-girlfriends look like, I feel like I am not comparable, I am so large, dark, nothing to be attractive about. I know that the previous statement is problematic because large and dark are beautiful qualities, but I cannot help but be influenced by society that perpetuates this hierarchy of traits. Only in a perfect world, will everyone see me as beautiful and I will be as beautiful as everyone else... but, this is not a perfect world.

This morning, I thought about asking him directly, but I feel like that will push him away. I do not want to be that needy, self-conscious girlfriend who fishes for attention, but I would like to know specifically what draws him to me, because I do not know what it is... It is certainly not the magic "P" because we haven't done that in a while. Why is it that we don't do that as often anymore. Is it because we both live with our parents? It never stopped us before. We used to be crazy adventurous, up to your interpretation, but now we just hang out at coffee shops and study all the time. I guess its where we are right now, working towards our careers, but I think it would be nice to take a break from it all. So I sometimes lead him to believe that we are studying, then I instantly become hungry and then we get dinner. It works well, we get to take a break from studying and we get to talk, which I find to be the most important thing right now. Yes, I do miss the "D" but that can wait right now. In fact, I am kinda glad that our relationship is not dependent on that because my past relationships have been mostly that. I am trying to avoid using provocative language, because Google blocked my ads, which is where I get some help. I am just happy that I found such an amazing, almost perfect boyfriend.

All I can say is that he is different. He makes me laugh, smile, and rarely cry (not entirely his fault, because I tend to over-think things). When we go out, he makes me feel like I could be anyone I want to be, and he does not care or he is not embarrassed. When we rode the Manta at Sea World,I was screaming like I always do and he didn't make fun of me. When I laugh like a man or sneeze like the world is ending, he thinks it is cute... it is seriously weird. I promised myself that I wouldn't write about the guy that I am currently in a relationship with, but it is really hard, because he makes me happy despite the struggle and the hardships that I face this past few months.He makes me feel positive at times when I want to give up. He motivates me a lot, and he helps ease the stress from my classes and work. I am truly lucky to have such an amazing guy. I think I am in love with him, but I don't want to say it just yet. I am really afraid that I am not the girl for him, because i know he's such a great guy and he deserves an amazing girl. I know he tells me that he's lucky to have me too, but I find it difficult to believe because I know myself more than anything else, and I feel that I could be better. That's why he motivates me. I may be content with my life now, but I am seriously happy that I have someone who pushes me to go further. I am really happy to have him by my side.

Sometimes, I feel like I am not ready for this kind of relationship. I think it is too serious, especially when family is involved. It is one of the reasons why I found it really difficult to meet his family, but he insisted, so I finally did. It was actually one of the things we fought about, because his parents were asking why I didn't want to meet them and assumed that "We just don't want her to hurt you.." I am really glad that I have grown very close to his family, but I know that there is more to know about them. I know there is certainly a secret that they do not know about me, and Phillip tells me that they do not have to know. I am really scared though, because I am always conscious about being passable and being read. I think this is one of the reasons why I do not think I am ready for such a serious relationship, because it is not just about me anymore... other people are involved. I feel like he has the most to lose, because I do not know how his parents might react if they do ever find out. Thus, I began this post with the need for surgeries, not necessarily to make it more easy, but so that I don't have to constantly worry about it. So that they do now question why my breast size is not proportional to my large body, why I cannot wear two pieces, why I cannot do certain things... why I talk so weird, sometimes in too-high-of-a-pitch. I am also afraid of  what his friends might say, I've met some of them already, but I never know what they think or say to Phillip. I do not want to be the cause for him to lose friendships, because I know how hard that can be. I know he is proud to introduce me to his parents and his friends and his coworkers right now, but I also know I want his family and his friends to like me. I know it is materialistic to want to have surgery and be more appealing, but it is what I need right now to be comfortable in my own body.I need surgery to be happy and to be content with my life. I need it, I want it.... I dream for it, and I cannot wait.

When I applied for the Jim Collins Foundation grant, I didn't quite take it seriously because I wasn't sure if I was going to get it. Last year, they only awarded 2 out of 300+ applicants, and the chances were slim. When I sent my application, It was rushed, but now I regret it because I could have been one of those lucky guys or girls. I would like to apply for it again next year, but I don't know if my chances will improve. I find it really difficult to believe that I will have a chance. I don't know how I can make my application to come across as "I need that surgery" without sounding so needy, without sounding  like my life depended on it... but I do need it and I do think that I need it to live my life the way I want. I am trying to save up money, but it is impossible because I do not have enough income to actually save up money. I am dependent on my mom on some of living expenses such as gas, because I pay for my car, insurance, and other things. It sucks being 24 and not independent, because that is something that I want right now... but, I know it is going to have to wait another 3 years at least. As much as I want to stay in the MA in Women's Studies program, I do not think it is a fit for me nor will it be an investment (in terms of the two years, because it is essentially a free MA). I know that I want to be a nurse, and now that is my focus, maybe someday an MA is in my path, but not right now... Again, one of the reasons why I do not think I am ready for a relationship is because my decisions are not just about me anymore.... it involves people I do now want to disappoint... For now, I know that I need to do what I want and also do what is going to be an investment in the long run... Hopefully the people behind me will understand that. Maybe the next three years, I will not get any grants or any aid to fund my surgeries, but I know becoming a nurse will help me save up for it.

Right now, I am hella studying so that I can get a high GPA to get into a nursing program. I am aiming for a 3.9 Overall and a 4.0 Science. I plan on attending CSU San Marcos' ABSN, then maybe pursue an MSN. I haven't seriously talked to anyone about it yet, because I am afraid of being seen as a failure, because initially that is what I think of my career change. But, I know it is the right thing for me to do right now.

PS. I am at a local cafe with my boyfriend right now, and yes he is the cutest and most handsome guy I have ever met. I am so lucky to have him. He is so sexy when he smiles or when he is all serious studying. I am sure all the other girls around me are jealous because I have such an amazing boyfriend.

This is my version of a fairytale, no need to wait for a guy or for a guy to save me. He is my prince charming, because he doesn't make me feel like a fetish. I am not a sex object, but a woman who deserves to be love just like anyone else. He makes me believe that love is possible for a woman like me. I am happy to tell younger trans women out there that they do not need to change their expectations just because compulsory heterosexuality forces society to be attracted to those who belong perfectly to the binary. I am really happy to have found a wonderful man who sees me beyond my physicality, despite my personal self-consciousness.

xoxo,

Jas

Is it worth it?

Changing my name and gender legally has been a long and expensive process. Multiple $25 visits to my therapist and endocrinologist, totaling to about $300. About $450 filing fee at the San Diego court. $120 to publish my court order at a local newspaper. It's fucking insane, please excuse my French! I often think to myself, "Is it worth it?" About $1000 to change my name and gender... two things that I have always been, but I guess the government thinks I need to pay and go through this because initially they think I am some terrorist or a fraudulent individual. It is fucking nuts!

Anyway, I should not be complaining. Other women have to go through surgery, breast/vagina, which can cost to $3000 to $28000! However, the hassle of going through the process of changing my name is fucking stupid. I am sorry for my foul language, I just seem to be really angry and pessimistic right now. It's fucking stupid how I have to deal with "This is a rare case" or "I have never done this before." So, the process takes extra longer. I mean, when I changed my gender marker at the DMV... it was the same thing. "The process is different, and I don't deal with this often." Read the employee manual and learn your job! Am I mean? I am just angry, because it sucks to be dealing with terrible service... making feel like I am so different, I am so alien to you that you have to take it to multiple people to figure it out. It is just so frustrating because the process is taking extra longer, and then they give you the look of confusion.

I feel like all this trouble is going to be worth it in the end. One of my trans friends who is a professional in the bay area said that it was a lot easier for her to land a job because the documentations matched the way she presented herself. In a way, I never felt like not changing my papers was a barrier that prevented me from landing a job. I felt like I was passable enough, but I always get nervous when it comes to background checks and paperwork. I waited 2 years to finally get my documentation right, and I hope it will go as smoothly as I planned.

This is just a quick negative rant, and I am sorry if I offended any of you. If you need help with filing court order for a name/gender change. The Transgender Law Center is a really good resource or feel free to ask me too!

Anyway, I know that this is all worth it. At the very least, it gives me hope that things will get better.

xoxo,

Jas

I hate masturbating

Seriously, it feels good... but I feel like I'm wasting all the estrogen that is being injected weekly, every Friday, into my body. I feel like it is not working, and somehow I see myself becoming more masculine that feminine. Back when I first started, I never felt the pleasure from masturbating... and everything was good.  I felt more beautiful when I was younger. Now, I feel like my body is becoming broader and my bone structure is becoming more rugged. I hella dislike my physical appearance right now. I know, it is hella wrong to think like this, but seriously cannot help it.

There are lots of reasons that I can easily believe. For example, I feel like injections are hella weaker than the pills. Whenever I get the injections, I feel like they overflow, because they use larger needles and not all the solution stay in my body. Or sometimes, I am even afraid to sit down because it is injected in the buttocks area, and sitting squeezes it out of my body. Somehow, I feel like the pills were way more effective because I drink them, and I am sure that 100% of the dose is staying in my body. The thing is... injections are way cheaper. They do not cost me anything but I waste my time waiting in the nurses clinic. Maybe I should just trust and believe in the injections, similar to the effects of placebo. But, I cannot pretend that way because I can see the effects everyday!  

Why? Why did I hit puberty late? Now, I feel like I am suffering from the consequences. I am hella sexually frustrated all the time, maybe because I have all the time in the world now that I only work part-time and go to school. But, even in college I rarely masturbated. I mean, I feel like I had the restrictions back when I was younger, but I feel like I just need self-control, which has been easily acquired before. It is just so confusing right now. Ugh, I seriously hate this. I often tell myself not to do it anymore, but I end up doing it a couple minutes after committing to not doing it. It is so weird... It is the same things as food. I've gained so much weight from eating a lot and not exercising. I use to exercise a lot, even 2-3 hours a day, 3-5 times a week. But, I rarely do now. I use to eat less than 800 calories a day, of course there are outliers but they never affected me before. Now, I eat three times a day almost 2400 calories or more. What is wrong with me? I have been doing things that are so out of the ordinary.... I

Yes, I am no professional and this post should not be taken as seriously as I am taking in. I do not have the background or degree to make the assumption that masturbating has somehow led me to becoming more manly, perhaps orgasm releases the estrogen that is being injected into my body weekly. And, masturbating is the reason why I am not getting any results from 10mg of weekly estrogen.  But, I believe this! s this normal? I have never felt this manly before... until now that I hit puberty and I am finally getting pleasure. Maybe other's have similar experiences

I need to get back to my old routine. eating less, and exercising more. I have been trying, but it has been hella difficult. I feel like a pussy, because I have all the time in the world... it's just so much harder now because I feel like everyone will be looking at me and judging me. It was hella easier when I was less fat. Ugh, I hate this. What is this self-loathe? it is not self-loathe.... I feel like I am just aware of my own body, or maybe I am just bipolar because I contradict myself a lot. This blog is hella word vomit, but I don't really care anymore. These are my thoughts, and they appear when they do. I am just hella random like that. Blah, blah, blah. I can do it! I need to lose weight so I can go out and go crazy again. OMG. I feel like I haven't been going out because I am embarrassed of myself, and nothing fits me anymore. It's annoying. 

Anyway, back to disliking masturbation since that got your attention. Because I have been thinking a lot lately about the reasons why I look the way I do, I figured one of the reasons is because I have been masturbating more recently. I need to stop, like seriously. It is bad for my health and my appearance. I tell myself that now, and then before I sleep... I masturbate. It's makes it easier to sleep right after.... Ugh, this is too confusing. I don't want to do it anymore, but it is going to disrupt my current routine. I have been relying on it so that I can sleep more easily at night, especially when it is very late and I cannot sleep. 

Maybe it is really not masturbating or the estrogen/spirolactone pills not working... maybe it is just me, who needs to take the responsibility of accepting it is my fault, that I need to stop eating a lot, I need to stop eating unhealthy, and I need to be more active. I hope so, so that I means, I can work towards a goal, my desired body. I just need to stick to it, because I have been planning weekly goals for the past 6 months and it hasn't worked. Starting today, Aug. 1, I will no longer eat rice or red meat. I will no longer eat junk food. My diet will consist mainly of vegetables and fruits, fresh and organic ones. 

Oh, and I will be speaking with my endocrinologist to see if I can increase my dosage. I want it, I crave it. I am hella obsessed with it. I know he does not want to because I want him to know that I want more results. 

xoxo,

Jas

Three Words: "I love you"

I love you. Three words that I consider to have a lot of meanings. Sometimes, I say I love you to material things such as food, cute animals, dresses, credit cards... Sometimes, I say I love you to someone (who may be mentioned below) because they saved my life, registering me for classes when I was busy or covering for me when I do not have cash, but  I will primarily talk about people in this post. Below, I will write how I use these three words and what I mean when I use them.

1.) I love you, Mom and Dad! And, brothers too. It is unconditional love. My parents may say I am obligated to love them, because they gave me life. It's true, but I love my parents, because they inspire me to be a better person. I am where I am today because of them. I love them for creating me. I love them for affirming me when I am right and challenging me when I am wrong. I love them for putting up with everything I have done and continue to do. I tell my mom and dad "I love you" everyday, because I want them to know how much I appreciate them for being in my life.

As for my older brothers, I say "I love you" to them less often. They claim to be tough, manly men, but I know deep inside they love me too! Although they are mean to me sometimes, I call it tough love. They want the best for me, and they are over-protective. It was one of their reasons for having a hard time accepting my new identity, but they learned that it is for the better. And, I am glad that they support my happiness.

2.) I only have a few friends, but I treasure the friends that I have. I would say that I define friendship differently. To me, people in my life come and go... but the people who stay the real friends. Having what others consider as different narratives from the norm, it is tough finding someone who can understand what I am going through. I think my friends who understand how relevant my experiences are to their own are the ones who stayed. I love my friends, because they give me hope. They are dependable, always there when I need them most! They stay positive when I have given up. They are my source of optimism and hope, and I need that in my life.

I have not been successful finding a good friend who have the same experiences as me. Although I share my stories and identity problems to my "non-trans" (I was trying to avoid these labels, because they are no different) friends, sometimes they cannot relate or they do not know how to respond. However, they are still there to listen, try to understand, and give guidance. They are the closest to my family, and that is why I love them! I love them so much, because they mean the world to me.

3.) My relationship right now is the weirdest. It is my longest committed relationship, yet we haven't said "I love you" in the most meaningful way. I think it is great that we are taking it slow, because I know when he finally says it... I will feel like the luckiest girl! Well, he already makes me feel that way, ever since I met him. Finding love takes a lot of patience... I know this, because I have looked for the person I am going to grow old with... but it only came when I stopped looking. As many of you may know, we go to cafes a lot and he's sitting right in front of me... If only I could say these words, without the fear of being rejected...

I admit, I said "I love you" to him already. But, it didn't mean anything. It was almost because of how he made me feel that night. Cuddling with him is the most amazing thing that I have ever done, he is the most amazing and beautiful person that I have ever cuddled with... I love him, but I am waiting for him to be ready to hear those words coming from my heart. Don't laugh, I know this is getting too corny, but it is how I feel... and I cannot help.

I think these feelings  prove that I am not different from genetic girls (again, I do not like using these labels, but I am simply doing so for the purpose of making a point). I feel the same things they do, I think about the same things they do. I am hella no different, we are hella no different from the norm.

4.) It may be hella funny, and sometimes crazy, but I do say "I love you" to strangers I have never met before. Of course, the meaning is different.... Often, I say "I love you" to someone who values the same thing that I do or someone who does something that completely amazes me. I say "I love you" to affirm them, to support them, and to show how much I appreciate what they do or say.

If only "I love you" was easier said than done, the world would be a better place. If only "I love you meant a lot more in different situations, everyone would be happier. I remember a young girl who gave me a note with the words "I love you" and a small metal heart. I felt so happy, and I felt a lot more positive about what I am doing now.


I love you. Three simple words. They have different meanings for different people. But, all these meanings all show appreciation, understanding, happiness, acceptance, among other things. Below, please comment on what these words mean to you or to someone when you say them.

xoxo,

Jas

The Boy Next Door

He was the boy next door type. And, he was literally The Boy Next Door. It was Summer 2007, I was 19 then… and I just moved into my first apartment, with roommates of course. I felt so accomplished when I found an apartment and moved into one on my own. I realized that I was an adult, independent and free… I loved every minute of it. I knew that this summer was going to be a good one, one that is very exciting and definitely the summer that I started exploring my sexuality and my feminine desires. Come on, I was 19 and never been kissed, never been touched, never really flirted. I never had these feelings before and I was getting gitty about it! It was awesome!

So our apartment has this huge balcony overlooking the bay. It was beautiful. One afternoon, I went out to enjoy the view in just boxers and a wife-beater (still very feminine, I had curves too) because my room had sliding doors to access the balcony. My clothes were comfy, and it was one of those days that I felt like staying at home and be comfortable with what I am wearing. I didn’t feel the need to dress up and put make up on (Oh, I did not wear make up at all my first two years in transition, unless it was a special occasion, and I think I was beautiful). It was summer so other students were moving in and moving out. There was a balcony next to ours and people in that apartment were just moving in. One minute I was just enjoying the sun and loving the view, and suddenly someone came out of th balcony next to ours… and I flew right back into my room. I felt was embarrassed and I was shy. I saw a glimpse of him, and I thought he was cute… typical boy next door with innocent looks. I liked that. I knew right then that he was Jewish because I’ve met a lot of Jewish guys in my first year at Cal, and I think they are definitely not bad to look at, perhaps even attractive. That afternoon, I ended up staying in my room and watching movies on alluc.org and hulu.com because I was still embarrassed about being in comfy clothes. Of course, I went out doing my daily routine like normal.

A few days after the incident, I heard a knock on our apartment door. I thought it was my roommates or the landlord at first, then I looked at the peeking hole and saw a cute guy. It was The Boy Next Door. He asked if he can borrow a can opener, and I didn’t have one so I suggested he asks the other neighbors. After a couple of hours, he knocked again asking for sugar… I was like, “Wth, he needs to buy his own.” But, the nice person in me gave him some. The next day, he knocked again asking to borrow a knife and a cutting board. It was weird. He has his own kitchen obviously, but I understand that he just moved in. So, I said sure and led him to our not-so-cute kitchen. That was the first time we talked about each other. He is from Chicago, and he is only taking some classes at Berkeley. He was 23, I think. He plays the guitar a lot, and he is learning about Flamengco. I have never heard it before, but apparently it is a genre of music. He seemed really passionate about it, which tickled my interest. I am not sure if I said this before in my previous blogs (LOL, the past 3 blogs), but I am attracted to men who are passionate about something. It can be a sports team or medicine or their career, I love it all. To me it shows that they are genuine, and I really like that! We talked about the view and how I loved it. He was jealous because their view is blocked by a tree. I felt bad, so I said… “Hey, you have two floors, and you have two balconies.” He said that ours was better. So, I said well you’re welcome to see the view whenever you want to.

Okay, that led to a really long conversation. So he left. I was waiting for hours until he returned the knife and cutting board, I was really waiting. I thought he was really cute and I wanted to see him again and talk to him again. Gosh, the girl in me is finally getting some boy action, after 19 years of suppressing it. After 3 hours or so, he knocked on the door and returned the knife & cutting board, then said thank you. I said you’re welcome! I didn’t know the whole flirting process then, so I was just going with the flow. He left, and I was sad… I thought to myself, “Does he like me?” It was a question that I couldn’t answer, but things are about to unfold.

He knocked on the door again after a couple of days. The door was unlocked and I told him to come in. I was chatting with my cousins from San Diego using Yahoo Messenger with a webcam. I was wearing short shorts and a tiny tank top. OMG, I was hella skinny then. I was in my bed and I was laying on my stomach with the laptop screen in front of me. He stood behind me, and he kinda surprised me. He didn’t surprise me because he just stood in front of me. He surprised me because I could see a huge bulge in his sweatpants. I was in awe. It was so big and I could just imagine myself playing with it. It was the biggest thing I have ever seen, I wanted to put my mouth on it. Instead, my shocked face was with an open mouth. Do you know when you’re surprised and your mouth opens wide? Well, maybe it is just me… but my mouth was open for that big thing! That was when I got really attracted to him. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him just what I was doing. I still chatting with my cousins.

Then he asked if he can check out my view, I said yes. At first, I was like… the view you’re giving me right now is so much better. Hahah. I told him it was better to see at night! Oh, I just realized it was July 4th. So he came that night and we both watched the fireworks. It was so cute. That was my first time watching the fireworks with someone other than my family or my friends. It was really cute. I went back inside my room, and he stayed out in the balcony. I was laying in my bed and decided to watch a movie. I don’t remember the movie that I started watching, but he also came back in after a couple of minutes. He asked me what I was doing, and I said I was watching a movie. He asked if he can join me, I said yes. So, he joined me in my bed.. We were apart at first, then he started getting closer. Our toes ended up touching, and they played with each other a bit. Then, his hands started caressing my arms… it almost felt like he was admiring the softness of my skin. I enjoyed it. At first I was a little shy, but I ended up doing the same thing to him. Our toes were playing with each other, our hands were exploring each other’s skin, each other’s bodies. This is probably why I can’t remember the movie.. it’s because I didn’t even watch it. The movie kept playing, but we weren’t paying attention to it, so we started talking about each other again.

I asked him how he liked California so far. He talked about the differences. I talked about how I love San Diego and San Francisco. Then, he started talking about how he and his roommates thought I was cute. It made me blush. I didn’t know boys talked about things like that. But, I totally don’t mind. I’ve never felt this right before. I was finally blooming to the girl I longed to become. Then he asked me about my move to the US from the Philippines, I talked about how everything there is simple. I lived in a house where there was no electricity, such a simple life. I like small talks when I am cuddling with someone. Oh, we’re cuddling by now. He was behind me while laying down, embracing me, still caressing my skin. We continued talking- likes and dislikes, favorite movies, favorite color, etc. Then, I felt him kiss my neck. I let him do it for a couple of minutes. Then, I turned around and our lips met. It was a perfect moment. It was one of those priceless movie moments that I always wanted. It was sexy. I was making noises. It made me feel good inside. We kissed and cuddled all night long until we stopped and he left.

It would be every night that he would come over, and we would cuddle and make out. It was awesome, until his hands started exploring my body to where I didn’t want them to be. His hands were on my legs and working their way up to my private area. I told him, “No” and he stopped. It would be like this all night, he asked me why? I couldn’t tell him. He said its okay, I will go easy on you. He must have thought I was a virgin. Well, I was. He asked me what I was afraid of. He said, “Are you afraid to get pregnant?” I giggled inside. I told him, I have never done it before… I’ve never been touched down there. This would happen every night of cuddling and making out, he kept trying to explore my private area and I kept saying no. He kept trying to find out why, and I just kept saying I just didn’t want to. It led to a point when he got pissed, and he stopped coming over.

I felt bad, so I had to do something. Whenever I see him, it seemed like he didn’t want to see me. So I wrote him a letter about the situation. I wrote something along the lines of I am not who he thinks I am. I wrote him saying I would rather tell him in person than in that letter. So, he knocked on my door so we can talk. I went over at his balcony, and that’s when I started telling him. I said I hope you don’t kill me for what I am about to tell you, and he said his parents didn’t raise him to be that person. I couldn’t tell him, so he started guessing… After a couple of wrong guesses, he joked that I am not about to tell him I wasn’t born a girl. I said, yes. I wasn’t born a girl. Then, it was over. He said we could still be friends. But, after that day, he never spoke to me ever again until after he left. We’re facebook friends, and we chat once in a while. He is a graduate student at Columbia University now.

xoxo,

Jas

My song to him, his song to me...

My song to him.....

Baby,
now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so,
baby even though
You don't need me
now

Baby,
now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so
Baby even though
You don't need me,
You don't need me oh, no

Baby, baby,
when first we met
I knew in this heart of mine

That you were someone I couldn't forget.
I said right,
and abide my time

Spent my life looking
for that somebody
to make me feel like new
Now you tell me that you want to leave me
But darling, I just can't let you

[guitar & fiddle solo]

Baby, baby,
when first we met
I knew in this heart of mine
That you were someone I couldn't forget.
I said right,
and abide my time

Spent my life looking
for that somebody
to make me feel like new
Now you tell me that you want to leave me
But darling, I just can't let you

Now that I found you
I built my world around you

I need you so, baby even though
You don't need me now

Baby, now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so
Baby even though
You don't need me
You don't need me no, no

His song to me...

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

xoxo,

Jas

Dear San Francisco Pride,

You are always so great to me! So many good memories from when I first went almost 4 years ago. It was a fun, learning experience to celebrate the diversity in the Bay Area.

I am so happy to have driven up with my old college roommate and a friend. Thank you so much to a close friend for letting me stay at your apartment! It definitely made the trip worthwhile. I think my trip was not only a fun experience, but also a didactic one at that!

First, I am getting too old for binge drinking. I had so much fun partying Thursday-Saturday night, but I learned that I can have fun without drinking. Besides, I am not suppose to be drinking while I am on hormones because my liver is already processing a lot of spirolactone everyday, and adding alcohol will just overwork my liver.

Second, I've accepted that I am not all about attention. Other people need to shine! In fact, I already have a special person in my life, which may or may not last (leaning more towards the first). I still need to take care of myself though. I feel like I have taken it easy the past few months and I have not taken my diet seriously because I have a boyfriend who tells me I am beautiful either way. However, I need to do it for myself. Because, I want to be attractive for my self. Achieving my ideal weight and looks will help me become more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Ugh! I seriously need to fit in my old clothes, because I cannot afford to buy new ones!

Third, I have the most amazing friends. I know I act like a joke sometimes, but it makes me happy to bring laughter in the room. I smile when you are happy. I know I may be difficult at times, and I want to thank you for being patient with my quirkiness, craziness, moodiness, and etc.

Fourth, San Francisco is fucking expensive, but that is not the reason why I find myself identifying as a San Diego girl. Two years ago, I would say I am a big city, SF girl. However, San Diego rubbed off on me. I grew to love it! Maybe this will change, but I am a SD girl for now.

Fifth, I cannot believe SD Pride is NOT FREE, on the contrary. I was looking at their website, and they have a long list of sponsors. I find it absurd that they are charging $20/DAY AND $30/2DAYS. Access to a celebration of diverse identities should be available to those low-income or no income at all. For now, I do not plan on attending my first SD Pride this year. While I don't need to, others, especially youth, would benefit most!

Sixth, it was really nice seeing friends and acquaintances. It felt nice to be remembered and remember other SF peeps! People change, and it is great to know who will always be there and who talks behind my back! It may be a joke, but somethings are meant to be taken seriously... Just tell me directly, and don't act like it's a joke!

Seventh, I do not need to drink to have fun! :)

Lastly, I think that I am hella in love with my boyfriend. He is the sweetest, most amazing guy I have ever met. I've told him a million times... He makes me feel special, but he doesn't make me feel different! He makes me believe that love is possible with a girl like me, without the extra baggage! I know we're both busy and we do not see each other often, but when we do! It's incredible. We've been together for 10 months, and I am planning to surprise him. Any ideas?

xoxo,

Jas

567 Questions

I have been going to therapy for quite some time now. It is actually refreshing to have someone listen and affirm every little thoughts in my head. It can be about anything. Yesterday was my shortest and longest session ever! As many of you may know, I am in the process of changing my name and gender marker through the San Diego Court. I am only waiting for the letter from my endocrinologist confirming that I have undergone "clinically appropriate treatment." I will hopefully get everything done before my Master's program starts. Meanwhile, I also plan on applying for the Jim Collins Foundation (jimcollinsfoundation.org) grant to help me pay for breast augmentation. I know that is is something cosmetic, but it is way more than that to me. It will give me more confidence in my physical appearance and will a I asked my therapist to write a letter of support, as it is one of the requirements of the application. It has been a long process, and she asked me to complete an psychological evaluation to make sure that there isn't anything out-of-the-ordinary. She was pretty confident, and she explained that she didn't question my gender identity. She only wanted something on record that proves that she evaluated all areas of my gender identity.

Friday morning, I woke up at 7:00am to make it to my 9:00am appointment. My brother worked close by, so I gave him a ride (he's an environmentalist, nature-lover is more like it - the kind who doesn't like driving and prefer carpool/public/bike). The drive was quiet. Therapy or my transgender identity is not something we talk about often. In fact, he tells me not to do anything with my body. After dropping him off, I drive to the Psychiatry Office. I waited in my car for a few minutes, asking myself if I am ready for the test. I said to myself, "Just do it! Whatever happens, happens!"

I went up the stairs, checked in with the receptionist, and waited in the lobby. I was 30 minutes early, which is recommended. During those 30 minutes, so many thoughts were in my mind. I was thinking about my master's program, about the possibility of breast augmentation, finally getting to change my name, etc. Surprisingly, the thought of being alone in that moment stood out the most. It stood out, because I spent most of my time thinking about it.

I always imagined having a friend right by my side. I even dreamed that my boyfriend would be with me at that moment. But, noone was there. I pride myself in having such a good support system, but I felt so alone at this time. I guess I was asking for too much. Clearly, I couldn't have anyone in my family there because their support is limited to no surgeries/hormones, which they do not understand how it is helping me. The few real friends that I have are mostly in the Bay Area, at least the friends that stood by me when big changes happened, good or bad. I kept telling my therapist that my boyfriend is my biggest support, but he is busy and he has other priorities. Yes, I was asking too much when these thoughts were in my head, but it would have felt awesome to have someone there holding my hand, waiting in the lobby, and greeting me congratulations when I complete the test. It would have felt amazing!

I tried to keep myself occupied. I grabbed a La Jolla magazine, and I immediately re-directed my thoughts. It was five minutes before 9:00am, and I was looking at a house, imagining one day that I would have a family of my own.Oh, I cannot wait until that time comes. Anyway, Dr. Karen called my name, so I went and followed her to her office. I sat, and we got started right away! We talked about all the things I mentioned above - name change, grant, breast augmentation. I told her that I am still working on the essay part, where I talk about myself and how will the breast augmentation help me in my future. I informed her that I am confident with my body now, but I will be more comfortable with breasts because it will make me look more feminine. I also told her about my weight gain problem. I don't like my body proportions, how my arms are big, and I see myself as masculine when I look in the mirror. I was telling her about how my boyfriend tells me I am beautiful, even with the 40 lbs, but inside I don't see what he sees. I told her that I want to be comfortable in my own skin, and while I portray myself as confident... I don't internally. The breast augmentation will help me progress in my transition to becoming fully woman. The session was short and sweet, but it was made longer by the evaluation at the end.

Before I started the evaluation, she explained everything to me clearly. She emphasized that the evaluation is done only to make sure that she did not miss anything. I was led into a room by myself with two pencils, a scantron, and the booklet with 567 questions. They are all TRUE/FALSE, but I always find these questions harder because I can interpret it any way I want. Some questions were vague or some phrases were unfamiliar. After the first 6 questions, I asked her to explain the phrase to me. She tried, but I still didn't understand. I found that I had similar thoughts with a number of the questions. She said, just do the best that I can! So I did, but I couldn't help but over think a lot of the questions. How will the interpret during evaluation?

There was one particular question that I skipped: I have thought about being the opposite sex.
- While I do not have the sexual organs... I see myself as a woman, and I have never thought about myself as a man. So, I answered it as FALSE.
- However, I feel like I misunderstood. Sex is between the legs, and gender is between the ears! I hope that she understands why I answered the way I did.

There were only a few questions about gender. I found that a lot of the questions asked about stomach pain and pain in general. It also asked about interest, particularly crime, mystery, etc. Surprisingly, I also answered questions whether I would go for specific careers, ie. nursing, crime investigator, construction, etc. I found it extremely weird because modern society allows all genders to pursue these careers. I am not sure how relevant these questions were, but I answered as honest to the best of my interpretation.

I have to wait until July 6th to get the results. Hopefully the only thing they find is that I have a hard time focusing, which is evident during the evaluation. I took hella breaks! So, I hope she prescribes me aderall (I don't know how to spell it and I am too lazy to look it up!) or something.

I hope she sends me the letter as soon as possible. I would really like to send it my grant application. They only award 2 out of 300+ applicants! I am hoping I get it because there is no other way that I am going to be able to fund my surgery. Also, one of the requirements is fundraising on our own, which I am currently working on.

1.) This blog is one of my fundraising tool. I make money through the ads posted. Please continue to share my blog with everyone and add my page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Becoming-Jasmine/149150661823604?bookmark_t=page
2.) I am putting $25-50 into savings, but it has been really difficult because I have been living paycheck to paycheck since January 2012.
3.) I am applying for another job (at Nordstrom, hopefully because their insurance cover surgeries for transgender).
4.) I created a fundraising account. http://becomingjasmine.chipin.com/jasmines-breast-augmentation. If you have hella pennies in a jar, it would hella help!
5.) I am still gathering more ideas for fundraising! :)


Oh, and I just wanted to thank a special friend, KAEGY! :) Thank you so much for always being there for me! I love you always!


xoxo,

Jas

Summer Lovin'

This is not a romantic blog post, or anything of that sort. I am using "Summer Lovin'" as the title, simply because I am getting so many positive news and energy, even before summer started. I feel so loved and blessed. I am super optimistic of what is to come within the next few months, and I am really excited this summer because I am going to change my name and gender legally.

Many of you may never feel the happiness within me, but it feels like being born again (oh, maybe not the best description, because I've never been born again... but if I did, this is how I would feel).

Perhaps better descriptions would include:
1. My student loans are paid off! Oh, if only it were that easy!
2. I lost 40 lbs. and I am back to 125, 5'6", 36-25-34. Of course, this is not true. I wish it were, and I would feel so happy. I am self-conscious of my body and would like to be healthy for myself,.
3. I won a trip around the world, all expenses paid. I could only dream. If I had the money, I would really like to travel around the world, even go on one of my favorite TV shows, AMAZING RACE!
4. I graduated from MA in Women's Studies and secured a teaching gig at a local community college, while working a leadership position at a nonprofit organization.
5. I am confident with where I am both professionally and personally. I own a house and other properties.

I could include a few more... but nothing can describe how I feel more vividly than "OMG! I finally get to be myself. I finally get to be Jasmine legally, without any doubts or worries." I am truly blessed because I know how first-hand how difficult it is to navigate through different systems. I am lucky to have a supportive network, my boyfriend, friends, family and colleagues. Without them, I would have given up on my first attempt. Thank you for keeping me sane, for being there for me, and for trying to understand something completely alien to  many. OMG! I did not mean for this blog to be a THANK YOU blog, it just kinda went there! Here I am, redirecting back to "Summer Lovin'."

Recently, I have been exchanging emails with my endocrinologist, Dr. Wu, who will ultimately make the decision whether or not I get to legally change my name and gender. So far, it sounds like he is going to write the letter confirming that I have undergone "clinically appropriate treatment." I am really happy that this term was changed from something specific "surgical treatment" to something really vague "clinically appropriate treatment," which is defined under the penal code. I don't really follow policy changes, but I am really glad to have found this information. Now, I am taking advantage of it, because I am not sure if conservative opponents will argue otherwise. Anyway, I am not going to get into that.

By June 1st, I should have all the documents and I should be able to file with the court's clerk by the 2nd week of June. Crossed fingers. Depending on the workload of the court, it may take them 3-4 months to schedule a hearing. I am applying for the fee waiver, which is worth $398 and they will provide copies of the document if approved. While waiting for the hearing, I need to publish my name change through an approved newspaper, and I have canvassed. The lowest price for it is $75 for all four consecutive weeks, which is the required number of publications. This is to make sure that I am not changing my name to commit fraud or any other criminal offenses. Of course, I am a good girl! I am really excited because I am only paying $75 for what could be $500 or more. by August, I should be changing my name and I cannot wait for people to finally refer to me as Jasmine! There's going to be legal documentation that proves my name change is valid.

Now to the other positive news! I am applying for a grant that will hopefully pay for my breast augmentation (normally $7000 from a reliable surgeon) through the Jim Collins Foundation. Of course, I cannot keep my hopes up because they only awarded 2 out of more than 300 applicants. I read on the biographies of the awardees, and they are both incredibly amazing. Despite the slim chances, I am still going to apply because I know that I need it and I am deserving. Let's just hope they see it! I am working hard to be deserving of the grant.

One of the requirements of the grant is that I must have done creative fundraising activities. One of them is this blog. So far, I have made $130 from this blog. Please continue to support and share it with your friends. Please read my most recent status update on my Facebook page to see how you can help! If you have any other fundraising ideas, please feel free to send them my way. I would greatly appreciate it.

xoxo,

Jas

Aaaah, my future is looking good...

I just have to stay focused and work extra hard to be where I want to be in five years. In a year, I could be helping teach a class and I am hella excited for that. In two years, I can be teaching and going to nursing school at the same time. The next year will be hella hectic for sure, because I am taking 9-12 units per semester for my MA degree and 8-10 units per semester for my nursing pre-requisites. I know that I may be setting myself up for a stressful year (hopefully not failure because I had my fair share of feeling useless from all the rejections), but I am confident that I can manage to excel in the classes I need despite juggling a packed schedule. I can do it! I will not be afraid to ask for help. I will not be afraid to say no. I will work hard and sacrifice doing the things I love to get the freedom to do them without worry or self doubt.

Aside from my career path, I am also excited for finally Becoming Jasmine, becoming the person I have always been. A lot of my friends enjoy the crazy, loud, and obnoxious side of me, but I am really the shy, quiet girl... demure who likes to keep it simple. I just recently changed my gender marker on my California Driver's License, and I am so excited to finally change my name and gender marker on all my legal documents. I am hoping to get it all done by the end of summer, but it is getting delayed because of the hassle of waiting for assistance from a transgender nonprofit organization and also asking for documentation from both my psychiatrist and endocrinologist. It has been really difficult this past two weeks because I am not getting the responses I need. I thought my therapist was very open to helping me because she was the one who suggested it. Now, she's telling me that I have only met her twice and that's not sufficient. After telling her everything I have been through, having a hard time finding the right therapist or physician, I get this from her. I don't know maybe it is in the books and it is required, but I am so confused why changing my gender on all my documents take so much work and money! I just don't get it.

It was not my mistake in the first place. It was the doctor's who made the mistake determining my gender. While it can be argued that they were following protocol--the scientific way of determining gender, it is quite different from the sex! As I have learned from my undergraduate years, sex is in between your legs and gender is in between your ears... Gender is fluid, it cannot be determined solely by the level of testosterone or estrogen in our bodies, our sexual organs, or even our physical anatomy. It takes more than that.

It is really unfortunate that the simple mistake of doctors determining my gender, leads to social norms that continue to limit the freedom of gender expression. The gender binary is so narrow that it does not allow the expression of those who are neither masculine or feminine. In fact, no one is 100% masculine or feminine. Everyone is in the middle, and it is problematic to force people to conform to either side.

Anyway, I am just really happy that I am taking the initiative to actually fix the mistake that was made 24 years ago. Noone else will do but me. Noone else will be affected but me.

xoxo,

Jas

Changing My Legal Name

It has been a while since I've written a blog post. I just wanted to let all of you know that I am so excited to attend San Diego State University to pursue a MA degree. I am also taking prerequisites for a nursing education, specifically to get into UCSF's MEPN program. Meanwhile, I am in the process of legally changing my name into Jasmine. It is a very tough and confusing process, and I am seeking help from the Transgender Law Center. I am currently waiting for the paperwork to arrive so that I can get a court order.


xoxo,

Jas

Changing gender roles in chimpanzees

            The film Chimpanzee captures a remarkable behavioral change in Freddy, the alpha male of a pack of chimpanzees in an African forest. The plot revolves around the development of young Oscar, who becomes an orphan because frequent wars with the neighboring rival tribe displaced his mother, Aisha. The film emphasizes observed behaviors of chimpanzees, such as the mothers nurturing their children, the younglearning survival skills from the elders, and the pack’s territorial attitude towards other groups of chimpanzees. Throughout the film, I found that chimpanzees practice gender roles similar to humans. Surprisingly, Freddy’s initiative to adopt Oscar and become a surrogate to him is very interesting because it is comparable to the shifting roles of humans that drift away from the traditional gender norm.

            In chimpanzees, Freddy took on the motherly role of carrying Oscar and letting him ride on his back, because other members of the pack constantly rejected Oscar as he searches for an adopted family. When Freddy developed a “mother-son” relationship with Oscar, other members of the pack became more accepting of Oscar. Freddy’s role as alpha male is to serve as a leader and protect his pack, including taking care of Oscar because he needed guidance and support. As Freddy normalizes this behavior, it became more acceptable to his pack. Throughout the film, I began translating scenes into the current status of women in society, because today’s women are becoming more self-sufficient and men are taking on the role of taking care of their homes and children. As society normalized the shift in gender roles, they became more acceptable and common throughout society.

The shift in gender roles is circumstantial and detrimental to the survival of the pack. I believe that Freddy’s shift in gender role is significant to the relationships he built with each member of the pack, and it was beneficial in overcoming the violent attacks of Scar’s gang. In humans, the shift in gender roles benefited society as a whole—especially in social, economic, and political aspects of living. The trend in changing gender roles may be considered as signs of adapting to new environments and challenges in life, both of which I find comparable to humans. Perhaps it is in human nature that we all live harmoniously despite the differences.  The shift in gender roles is representative of the idea that gender is fluid and the gender spectrum reveals that each individual does not belong to 100% masculine or 100% feminine, but we all belong in between this binary. I found it refreshing to witness the similarities of chimpanzees and humans; more specifically, I was very interested in the shift in gender roles because I believe that it is a sign of our progressive state.

xoxo,

Jas

Things that I love.

I am studying at a cafe right now, and just a few seconds ago, I heard these footsteps to my right, running towards the cashier. I looked to see who could be running for their Turkey Sandwich, and saw a tiny person who may or may not have a height genetic defect. It made me smile, not because it was cute, but because I love living in a world where "normal" people do not belittle those who have a genetic defect. 

Growing up, I witnessed my peers make fun of short people, those who do not fit the norm. I admit, I even participated in ridiculing "abnormal" people. However, I never understood why I joined the norm. As a child, I remember myself wanting to avoid becoming an outcast. 

xoxo,

Jas

Injections vs. Pills

Here's the dilemma: last November I switch to estrogen injections from estrogen pills. However, now I feel like I want to go back to the pills because I feel they are more effective.  There's a catch though, a $60/month co-pay for Kaiser and I am already paying $60/month for my spirolactone. It's a tough call because the injections are free; however, I am not getting the changes I want.

Injections, Pro:
No cost, and the nurse's clinic injects it for me.
They do blood pressure checks for every visit.

Injections, Con:
Does not seem as effective.
Even though the nurses do it for me, it leaks so I'm worried I am not getting the proper dose.
Long wait at the clinic, about 30 minutes to an hour.

Pills, Pro:
Seems more effective
No long waits
I get every dose of estrogen
More flexible in terms of when I take it during the day

Pills, Con:
Expensive, $60/month co-pay at Kaiser
No blood pressure checks, but doctor checks lab every 3 months

This is really tough, because I am hella broke. I am paying for my classes and  gas, and its been extremely difficult because I am living paycheck to paycheck. Hopefully I find another part-time job soon, so I can save some money and also be on the pills again.

Ugh, I also want breast implants. :l


Please keep in mind that these are my personal pros and cons. You may have different experiences. I'd love to hear from you.

xoxo,

Jas

Gender Marker Change!

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to update you and share my good news! My endocrinologist signed my DMV gender marker change as complete! I am extremely excited because I thought he would sign it as transitional, which I found useless because I didn't want to go back to the DMV every 5 years and be nervous about how the representative will react. I am truly blessed. He told me that my gender identity is complete, and he said that surgery is not necessary. It really helps to have culturally competent and educated medical professionals, and I look forward to the day when all medical staff are required to take a class on sensitivity to cultural and gender issues.

Also, my therapist validated that I am currently happy. I told her about meeting my boyfriend's parents, and she confirmed that it was a big step and that I didn't have to disclose my past with them even if they asked.


xoxo,

Jas

Big dreams - to foster personal growth and community empowerment within the transgender community

Maybe too big of a dream, but I know it is possible.

With my experience in domestic violence and helping victims toward self-sufficiency, I envision some day that I am involved in empowering transgender women. My experience in social services and shelter programs for women here in San Diego inspired me to think critically about my identity and serve the transgender community, who do not have access to adequate programs and services here in San Diego county. As I have discussed in my previous blog post about the barriers of accessing quality health care here in San Diego, it was a challenge to find the hormones that I needed to continue my transition and to become the person I have always been. Even with the Family Health Center's STAR Program, there is not enough funding nor culturally competent leaders to mobilize the transgender community. From what my own research and experience, getting into their program is difficult because it is limited to contacting them through the phone (which is either busy or goes directly to voicemail) and attending Tuesday group meetings that can be a hassle or can fill up within seconds. So I wonder, how many transgender individuals are not getting the services they need? Are there any quality programs and services that meet the needs of the growing, significant number of transgender population in greater San Diego area?

I cannot give a definite answer to this question, but from personal experience,  we do not have adequate resources for transgender individuals or non-conforming gender identities. Too often, I've seen friends purchase their hormones from the streets, from friends of friends of friends,  from the Mexican border... without knowing what's actually in the pills, where it came from, why it is way cheaper, and most importantly, what it is doing to our bodies. A skeptic may investigate why we go to extremes to shape our bodies... we do this to conform to the gender norms, to become the classically defined "voluptuous women," to be treated normal, to avoid trans-phobia... ultimately, to be ourselves, to be safe, to be amazing! I recall the first time I found a physician who specializes in transgender patients, she scared me because I had 8 times the normal estrogen level, which can cause breast cancer and cardiovascular diseases. It was then that I realize that I needed to stop, and I did not want my friends to unknowingly poison their bodies. In an effort to inform them about the repercussions of self-medication, I talk about my experience and the privilege of having access to a licensed and culturally competent physician. Furthermore, I would to do more... to become a voice for the transgender community.

With my experiences in women's activism in San Diego, I am definitely learning how to mobilize the transgender community. As a Domestic Violence counselor at YWCA, I help women achieve their potential for greatness -- to become independent, self-sufficient, and and successful. I believe that I can do this for transgender women as well, and I am saddened that we do not have any opportunities, such as what have been modeled by the Transgender Economic Empowerment in San Diego. Because there are no organizations that provide this, I would like to initiate one in San Diego County. I plan to lead a multi-faceted  organization that not only provides economic empowerment, but also supportive services such as Emergency Shelter and Transitional Housing, where transgender women can be on the right track. I envision a house that fosters sisterhood and growth, where services can include counseling, case management, etc. Moreover, I would also like to provide financial and health education to transgender women. I feel that this is necessary in achieving the goal of mobilizing the transgender community. These services are what I've have learned and believe to be effective in helping people, and I hope someday we are able to provide such services in San Diego.

Additionally, I work on special projects and community outreaches for the SD Domestic Violence Council. I assist with events promoting awareness and elimination of domestic violence throughout the county. With my previous experience in Pacific Center of Human Growth, Berkeley, CA, I saw the effects of community education in action, which is why I am currently involved in fighting domestic violence. I have not found any organization that educates the community about the transgender experience, and I cannot wait to initiate it here in San Diego. Educating the community about marginalized populations is one of the best way to eliminate racism and empowering transgender women. With my presence, I not only demystify stereotypes that devalue the transgender identity, but I also serve as an advocate for trans-youth and encouraging them to pursue dreams because their successes are attainable. Just to get our voices heard is already something, but do reach out to those who have narrow minds will do something greater. It is not to argue a one-sided perspective, but to be heard and have our opinions considered. Right now, I help my supervisor with events training medical and social service providers on how to identify and serve domestic violence victims, and I know that this effort makes a difference in how we provide services. I want lead such effort with the transgender community, to help diminish barriers to health care and other social services.

I am currently a frontline worker and I may not be in a leadership position right, but I know that I am working from the ground up. I am fortunate to be involved in social services because I am learning a lot, and I am looking to advance my knowledge and skills to one day serve the transgender community. I applied to SDSU's MA in Women's Studies program because I would like to learn women's activism from start to present. Now, it is the waiting game. Accepted or not, I will continue my advocacy efforts and I know that someday we will achieve transgender equality. Some day, the world will see us as equal citizens. I know, it is POSSIBLE!

This sounds more like a personal statement than the application I sent. Let's hope it was enough. Fingers crossed.

XOXO,

Jas

PS. Do you think this is possible? Would you like to become involve? Maybe a Pepsi Project material? Let me know your opinions!

Oh, and this is my February post. Just in case I don't get to write one next month.

xoxo,

Jas

Dodging Gender-specific questions...

From my past blog entries, I've written about my current hormone intake. I am currently on 200mg/day of spirolactone and 10mg/week of estradiol. I take spirolactone daily, and I go to the nurses clinic every Friday... because it is more convenient for me, albeit some of you may argue otherwise if you have work or other weekday commitments. It was difficult when I was going to school and working at the same time, but now my flexible schedule allows me to go to the nurse's clinic, which I prefer... because when I self-injected, I doubted myself, whether or not I was doing it right. Also, it is free... so I'd rather go to a professional than do it wrong while paying at least $60/month. For now it is the best option; however, it is a hassle when I am constantly bombarded with questions that are gender-specific and my responses may reveal my gender at birth. In this situation, I have a choice between: to trust that the nurse is culturally competent or to dodge the questions and re-direct her to what is most relevant to my health.

Last Friday, I went to my usual visit to the nurse's clinic. The front desk reps and nurses know me pretty well by now, well maybe not a friendly-acquaintance-kind-of-know... but, they do recognize me every time I come in. My experience has been the same every time, but this Friday is particularly different because I was triggered to write about my experience in dealing with medical providers and the realizing the need to train culturally competent (sensitive to gender non-conforming identities) providers. I am forced to write about the repetitive questions that are ultimately insensitive to my feelings about the issue.

Like I said, I've gone through this every time I go to the nurse's clinic. I dodge the questions. Recently, I learned that pap smears are for older women or women who are sexually active. Additionally, the HPV vaccine is common in women... and both HPV and pap smears are preventative of cervical cancer. Obviously, I do not have a vagina, yet, but HPV can also affect men... however, it may not have similar effects. I may be lying to the medical professional, but I have discovered that telling them what I learned.... "I am young and I am not sexually active" excuses me from taking scheduling a pap smear exam. Of course, they tell me that they are required to ask me for procedure purposes. So, every... every Friday, I prepare myself. I think of a line to dodge the question, and sometimes go off on tangent when the nurse is trying to make a conversation. In the past, I have used... "I will schedule it when I have the time," "I already had it done at another organization," or now my go to is... "I heard that I do not need it because of my age and I am not sexually active." I dodge the questions because they are not relevant to me, and I do not need to reveal my unwanted gender identity with providers that I am not permanently attached with.

I understand that it is a routine procedure to ask about an overdue pap smear or suggested HPV vaccine for recommended for my age group. I understand that the nurses are just doing their job, and they are only asking for my health and well-being... I commend them for that. In fact, I've gotten used to the questions that I've come up of several ways to dodge them. To some extent, I feel like I became numb... not flinching whenever someone asks me why I am taking spirolactone or estrogen, I don't feel like I am being read (or my transgender identity has been revealed). While there is a patient confidentiality clause, I do not think that it is necessary to tell them about my medical records... In fact, I am pretty sure that they already have access to them, but it is easier to ask than read a long record of medical notes etc. I understand that they are only trying to make a conversation to make the minutes go by quickly, but please be mindful that I do not need to tell you anything unless it is relevant or unless I want to. For now, I am re-directing the conversations... Last Friday, when the nurse asked me why I am taking estradiol... I immediately started telling her that the needle didn't hurt as much as last week's and I commented her on her gentle hands. For as long as possible, I would like to keep my secret a secret... and continue my weekly encounter with the nurses without making it awkward or weird.

My interactions with medical providers increased my knowledge about the medications I am taking. For example, I learned that spirolactone is used to treat heart, liver, and/or kidney disease from a pharmacist who asked me why I am taking spirolactone at a young age. I am often asked that, and why I am taking estrogen. Last Friday, my nursed asked why I am using estrogen, I stood quiet. She further investigated by asking if I am using it to increase sexual appetite, to prevent menstruation, or to strengthen bones and prevent bone loss. I take my nurse clinic visits as very informational, because I learn something everyday... I hope that someday, I can be brave enough to share myself with them... so they can learn not to ask gender-specific questions, because it made me uncomfortable... and noone deserves to feel that way in a medical environment.

I have scheduled my next appointment with my awesome endocrinologist. I am going to ask him about my weight gain, and hopefully he can suggest things to lower my BMI. Also, I will be asking him about signing the DMV form to change my gender marker... hopefully by May, my 24th bday, I will have it changed. I also scheduled my 2nd Psychiatry appointment, and I am excited. I will write about it soon!




xoxo,

Jas