And, I don't know how I feel about it yet. Of course, I am sad, because I know that I will miss him a lot and it will be difficult to communicate with each other, i.e. the time zone difference, China's strict internet regulations, etc. etc. But, I am also very happy for him, because I know that it has been what he's been wanting to do ever since I met him. I love him so much that I want him to follow his dreams. I want him to be happy, and I don't want to be that girl who controls everything he does. Of course, I am afraid, because I don't want to be another long distance relationship that will end up not working. But, I believe that it is up to the two of us if we want to make it or break it. I think we took it to the next level, because my boyfriend finally said "I love you." It assures me that our relationship is solid, and he wants to make it work as well. I know this because it took him 1.5 years to actually say these words. It took that long, and I know that he actually meant it. It was so cute because of how it happened.
We were sitting in a table at our favorite cafe called Lestat's Coffee. We both go to school so we spend a lot of our time at cafes studying. I know, pretty boring... but its my ideal relationship right now because I am in the process of studying to achieve my goals and to follow my career path. I am really happy because we are both really supportive of each other, and we motivate each other. So, as studying at cafes seem to be a normal part of our relationship... I noticed something different. I felt like Phillip wanted to say something, and I immediately asked him, "What's up?" He said nothing at first, but he then asked how I felt about him moving to China. I was really emotional that day, and I was teary-eyed when I started explaining to him that I am excited for him because I know it has been something that he's been wanting to do ever since we met, but I also told him that it will be difficult and I will miss him a lot. I was hella teary-eyed that I started explaining it to him... I was so overwhelmed with school because I am contemplating on withdrawing the program, which I am still doing despite getting straight As. I haven't told him about it, actually I have mentioned it a couple of times before, but he wants me to continue because he believes in me. To some extent, I feel like when he moves to China, it will be easier for me to withdraw because I don't want to disappoint him. I feel like we are at a point of our relationship where my decisions affect him now, and vice versa. He asked if I wanted to take a walk and talk outside. I said yes.
We walked, and stopped at a street corner, right under a lit lamp post. There he asked me why I was emotional that morning and throughout the day. At first I told him, it is because school is overwhelming right now. Then, he asked further. he is that kind of guy. He knows me, and he knows when I am keeping something from him. Then, I finally expressed "because you are leaving..." I restated what I already said about how I felt about him moving to China. i explained to him how I knew it was going to happen eventually. During this time, I was also thinking "I don't know how it is going to work, because we haven't even said "I love you" to each other yet. I don't know if he could read my thoughts, because I feel like I can't hide them... but he said it. He said " I love you." He explained, "Babe, the reason why I have been very different and it looks like I am about to say something is... I have been working up the courage to say that I love you. I have been wanting to say it, and I am happy that I finally got the courage to tell you." The awkward person in me asked him, "Why are you telling me this now?" He said that it is because it is how he felt, and he's been wanting to say it, but never had the chance to do so. I asked him, "It's not because you are moving to China right?" He answered, "Well, no. But, thinking about moving to China made me realize that I love you, because I was conflicted." I was overjoyed, because I have been waiting for this moment, and it finally happened. Love found me, and it is not just love. It is incredible love. It is real love. It is true love. At this time, he also said that it was not for sure yet, because his interview was the next day, but I told him that I knew he was going to get it because he is an amazing man. And, he did get the teaching position.
After a couple of days, I met with his mom, and she was surprised that I was so supportive of him leaving. I explained that I know it will be difficult and I will miss him a lot, but I know it is what he wants to do and I am so proud of him. We have been trying to spend more time together, but it is finals time. But, after this busy time of the year, we are hoping to spend more time together. We are actually going on a 5-day trip to San Francisco. I am playing tour-guide because the last and only time he's been in San Francisco is when he was 9. I am so excited to show him the city that allowed me to be myself, that fostered my growth as a mature woman, and that introduced me to many awesome friends. I can't wait for him to meet my friends because they are amazing, and for my friends to meet him because he is amazing. I hope these five days will be refreshing and will be filled with awesome memories so that our relationship will continue to build itself and will continue to grow strong.
Again, I don't know how to feel about my boyfriend moving to China. My thoughts are definitely mixed with emotions, but I am confident that we can make it work. I just need to make sure that I do not go psycho girlfriend, which I am not, but sometimes I get too psycho. I just need to let things go and let things happen without me trying to think about it nor trying to stop it. I can't wait for him to start his life in China, and I look forward to seeing him again. He said that I should visit him when I have the time to, and he is also willing to subsidize my airfare. However, I will only go if I pay for my own, because I want to visit him for myself first. :) I am so excited for him because he is following his dreams, and I can't wait for him to be what he wants to be.
xoxo,
Jas
