Weight Gain, the side effects

I admit. I've been eating more than I use to, a lot more than I need. I need to stop, but it's hard. Food  is just so good. What's wrong with me... I don't know what happened. I've been hella craving food. To top it off, I haven't worked out for as long as I can remember, maybe since February when I cancelled my 24-hour Fitness membership. I used to be really good with eating healthy and going to the gym, but now it's different. This may be reason why experts consider my weight as fat or overweight.

I should stop whining, because it is a decision that I made. I decided to eat a big fat Chipotle Burrito with everything on it. I decided to eat two full plates for every meal. I decided to eat red velvet cupcakes and macaroons. I decided to  eat at buffets, all-you-can-eat barbecue. I decided to eat at fastfood restaurants, McDonalds, In-N-Out, Carl's Jr, Jack In the Box. You name it. I decided to sleep all day and avoid running or working out. I decided not to join my brother when he does Insanity. I need to wake up and start eating healthy, I must work towards a goal of losing at least 25 lbs. Yes, many of you may not agree and may say "that's a lot," but you don't know my weight and I am not going to tell you... I can tell you that looks may be deceiving, I know how to dress and cover up my fat. Although, I've been having a hard time because I can only do so much, and recently I cannot hide it because I have gotten so fat.

Now, I am suffering with the consequences and I should take responsibility for it. Yet, I can't avoid blaming it on the estrogen. Why is it that one of the things that is difficult about transgender transition is that estrogen makes girls fat. I get fat, and all my girlfriends get fat. I hope none of you will be angry with this blog post, because I know I promote "Love Your Own Body" no matter what the size! I am only writing this post because can't help but be concerned for my health. I also wanted to discuss the myth that estrogen gets girls fat. I shouldn't be complaining because my breasts are growing, they're now B-cup - natural, no preservatives. Plus, my waist and ass are both getting shapely. I go off on tangents a lot. I apologize for my confusing posts. 

Sidenote: Yesterday, I discovered why my boyfriend is still attracted. I was wearing a dress. Yes, I know... a dress during the fall!? But, this awesome, year-round San Diego weather is amazing! I love it. So, my boyfriend and I decided to go to the museums. They have free entrance every Tuesday on select museums. I wore a dress. During the drive and while we were walking towards the museums my boyfriend kept telling me I look beautiful and sexy. I told him to stop. He said, you are beautiful. I asked why. LOL He said, "booze, booze, booze!" I told him it didn't make sense. I then realized that my dressed showed my cleavage. He said, "Boobs, boobs, boobs." LOL BOYS will be BOYS! He makes me laugh. :)

Although I have grown my boobs, I am still concerned for my health. I was not going to blame it on the estrogen. However, the doctor warned me that it is one of the side-effects of taking them. I have a big stomach now because I eat more than I need to, and yes... I try to hide it well. So, it is not so much a myth after all. Ever since I started a regulated regimen of estrogen and spirolactone about 3 months ago, I've gradually gained 20 lbs and now another 10 -- 30 lbs so far. I am not going to disclose my weight, but I am going to tell you that my BMI is in the overweight area for my height and age. Even friends and family members tell me that I've gained so much wait. My mom tells me I keep eating. Perhaps the estrogen makes me crave all the food. Pregnant women crave food, and they have high levels of estrogen. Remember the time when I was taking hormones without medical supervision. My estrogen level was at 3800, which was more than 8 times the normal estrogen level for a pregnant woman. I am not even pregnant. 

Oh the risks or sacrifices we make! Why must we sacrifice our health to become a woman? Why must we sacrifice our physical appearance to become a woman? Our health, our beauty - We can achieve good health by knowing how to live healthy and being resourceful. 

Anyway, I will start on my diet and workout after this weekend (I am going to Vegas! So I will be drinking a lot, and eating lots of carbs to dilute the alcohol.) I will be starting on Monday, hopefully I am fully sober.

For those of you taking hormones and having the same problem. It is a give an take. If I want boobs, I need to gain some weight. I need fat to redistribute to the right places. It will be my choice to eat healthy and work out. Of course, that means eating the right food and working out the right places. (1) I can't eat food that are high in fat anyway, estrogen and spirolactone is already a harm to health. I can't be eating trash that will increase the likelihood of blood clots. (2) I need to work out anyway, for the same reason mentioned above.Of course, when working out... I would need to avoid working out my upper body area, to avoid the deflation of fat tissue in the breast area. I would work out my arms and my abs, maybe do a little twisting to shape some womanly curves!

I choose to keep the hormones and implement strategies to lose weight, become healthy. I am all for "Loving your body" but I am also for being healthy. I haven't started, but wish me luck this coming Monday! I am starting with NO MEAT or RICE diet. Fish and rice are okay. Also, i will start walking at least 15 minutes, using the stairs instead of the elevator, jog and sit-ups at least every other day. Parks have exercise machines, but I prefer going out and sweating off calories!

Let's do this. Goal: 20 lbs weight loss by January 31st. I AM READY!

PS. If you read this and you invite me to eat dinner/buffet/meat/rice! You are not my friend anymore. If you keep me in check, I will be your awesome friend forever! LOL


xoxo,


Jas

I finally feel blessed...

Well, sort of.

I am going to start off venting and move on to the positives (SUNSHINES). I just quit my job at IMI. I probably shouldn't be writing this, so I will just  lightly describe my experience here. It was simply not the right fit for me. I started as an intern, and I was immediately assigned tasks that they expected me to complete without direction. It made me skeptical about their organization because internships are suppose to equip students and recent graduates with skills that make them more marketable in the job market. On the contrary, IMI basically sought after students and recent graduates for free labor. I finally quit because it was not the right fit, it was not the best environment for me to work in. For a transgender individual, and for anyone tricked into working there for free or for low-payments for the amount of work you do (organizing NATO conferences), it is not a recommended job. I wonder why noone sued them yet. 

Yes, I loss a full-time time job and a good (I wouldn't even consider it) source of income. But, I feel like I made the best decision in post-grad career! I recently turned down an offer for a corporate analyst position because I didn't want to settle. From my experience at IMI, I discovered my worth and I will only strive for the best offers. Also, I do not see myself working for a for-profit organization, especially when they look down upon the organization of non-profits. So right now, I am still working at YWCA and also looking for new jobs. I am also applying for graduate programs and am considering nursing school. I will be taking the nursing pre-requisites this coming spring. I have more free time now, again. So, I will be writing more often if I find relevant things to talk about. 

Now the positives.

I already mentioned a couple of positives above. I made the best decision by not settling for less than what I deserve. I have more time to write now, which I love. If asked about my ideal career, I would want flexible hours, perhaps night-time (yes, I am a night-owl), and the opportunity to help people. That is nursing, but I am still pursuing my dream of becoming a leader in a nonprofit organization advocating for LGBT and Women. I've been think a lot about this lately: I would like to establish a transgender economic and health empowerment organization in San Diego. From my experience, it will definitely be helpful to the growing number of transgender individuals in San Diego. That's on my parking lot of things to do...

Moving on to the positives. I have a boyfriend now, and no it's not Ryan, although he's been texting me lately and I've been slightly ignoring him. I am happy with my current boyfriend, and I do not want Ryan to interfere with my blossoming relationship. I would like to talk more about my boyfriend, but I can't disclose too much information because our relationship should not be written on a public blog. All I can tell you is we've been dating for almost 3 months now, and we dated for 2 months before that. I am happy with him, he makes me happy... he treats me the way a women should be treated and I am blessed.

In terms of health: I finally have a Psychiatrist. I met with her two months ago, and she was very supportive and helpful. She informed me that Kaiser doesn't recognize gender identity disorder in their insurance claim, but there is a group of individuals advocating for Kaiser leadership for it to be reconsidered. She is a representative from Kaiser Southern California, who attends meetings with Kaiser leadership about this effort. We discussed my goals, talked about myself, and overall it was an awesome experience. I didn't feel like she questioned my identity at all, and that's amazing. She is definitely sensitive to the diversity of cultural and gender representation. I will be arranging another meeting with her, and hopefully I will be one step closer to having a signed document stating that I am a woman and I am ready to move on to the next stage of becoming one biologically.

I really want to share with you my experiences at Kaiser Endocrinology. My Endocrinologist is really good to me. He is very knowledgeable and very sensitive to my personal issues. He is very understanding. It is really soothing to have someone know what I am going through, even if they do not have the same experiences as me. It is encouraging and it gives me hope to have someone so supportive, at the same time be analytical of my decisions. As a Kaiser patient, I have to pay $20 per visit and $20 for each prescription. I was taking Estrogen pills ($20), Estrogen patch ($20), and Spirolactone pills ($20) - a total of $60 for 2 months, which doesn't sound as high cost as the current market for these medications. However, I learned from my experiences at Kaiser Oakland that visiting OBGYN Nurse's clinic to get an estrogen shot is free. I encouraged my endocrinologist to order injectable estrogen instead, and I saved $40. However, it is somewhat a hassle to go to the nurse's clinic once a week, gas and waiting at the lobby for the nurse to call. I can tell you, I've had bad experiences because the estrogen shot is pretty rare in clinics, so make sure you ask your doctor to specifically order it for a location where you plan to go. I've missed a couple of shot because they ran out. I had to miss a couple because of this, and it always gets me paranoid because I feel like my boobs deflate and I become more masculine if my hormone intake is not balance (probably a myth). 

Also, my endocrinologist had to cut back on my estrogen intake. I am currently on 5 ml, which is way less than what I was getting before. Before I started getting seen by a doctor, I was at 10ml a week. I wasn't getting the results I was getting until now. My breast are perky and are now to a B-cup natural. Even more good news, I emailed my doctor about possibly increasing my intake, and I will be taking 10ml a week from now on and 200ml of spirolactone. I am excited to see the results. I know it is dangerous, but we'll see... its a trial and error kind of thing. 

That's all for now. More updates soon. No more dating updates for now. I am taken!

xoxo,


Jas




PS. I will be going to Vegas this weekend... we'll see how difficult it will be to have fun because my boyfriend is not going. 


Also, ASK ME QUESTIONS!!!

Forgotten Post: Update from 9.14.11

I haven't blogged in so long. So here I am. Last Friday, I had my first psychiatry appointment. It was awesome! I am confident that I am going the right path, and I cannot wait to see what's next for my transition.

So here's how the morning went:
I drove that morning excited to finally move forward and explore the possibility of completing my transition. Becoming Jasmine, as this blog pursues to document.  I was anxious to meet my psychiatrist.  I had a lot of thoughts in my head: Is she trans too? Will she require me to attend meetings every week? Is she going to ask me a lot of questions? Trick questions? Is she going to try to prove me wrong? Is she going to make me feel like this is all a mistake? Is she going to over think my responses? Should I be honest? Should I think about my responses before I actually say something? Too many questions, and I couldn't wait to get the answers.

I had an appointment with my endocrinologist. He's awesome! Very sensitive to my issues. I'm actually starting to get injectable hormones instead of pills. First, I think it would be cheaper. But, I am starting on 5mg a week. It is not ideal for me because I don't want to go back to low levels of estrogen, but I need to.

I entered Kaiser Psychiatry. The lady at the counter looked at me as if I was not suppose to be there. I don't know, she made a weird look.

I am taking the GRE on the 26th. I am good at Math. But, I need hella work on my Verbal.

I went to a job interview last Monday, an amazing opportunity. However, I didn't do so well. I cried a couple of time during the day. I always psych myself out for some reason. I need to stop thinking that I need the job, I want the job... I need to go into the interview knowing that I am capable of performing the responsibilities listed. I know I can do it. I just have to learn how to show it, and not think too much about how I really want the job. Again, I didn't do so well. The first three questions I answered great, but the last two were devastating. At the end of the interview, I was thinking a lot about the last two questions and how I could have answered both differently... that I forget whether or not I shook the three interviewers hands and thank them. I totally blew that interview, and I am still hopeful that somehow I impressed them with my first three responses! That may be asking for a miracle, but I believe!

xoxo,


Jas

Don't Get It Twisted: On Becoming Cynical

Holding hands is just holding hands. It doesn't mean anything. Kissing passionately is just kissing passionately. Nothing else. Amazing sex is just amazing sex. Period.

I think I need to be more cynical about love and relationships. I tell my friends that they need to be vulnerable for love to find them. It's absurd. Even I can't listen to my own advice. From experience, it clearly doesn't work! Why do I have to change myself for someone to like me for who I am? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Stupid, I'd say.

I had my fair share of stupidity. I pretended or had to be drunk just to get a guy's attention. I drove 400 miles just to get my heart broken. Fuck, I even had unprotected sex because I trusted the guy. Luckily, there hasn't been any major damage, perhaps only a hangover, getting pulled over by a cop, and no... not HIV or STDs, but a broken heart.

Ultimately, my biggest mistake... my worst trait is being too gullible. I believe everything a guy says. I look for the signs I learned from watching Disney movies, fairytales. He smiles all the time, he must like me. He opens the door for me, he is super sweet. He holds my hands, he totally wants to be with me. He's a great kisser, he is the one.

How do you know he is the one? Oh, you know! I am always so happy when I am with him. He makes me feel so comfortable. I have butterflies in my stomach every time I think about him.

Trust me. Men are great listeners. They know what to say every time a girl fails to keep her poker face. I am a bad liar, and my emotions show my real feelings. He will say lies to make me feel better, make sure he doesn't lose me. A girl tells him she loves his smiles, he will smile all the time. A dating coach from "Millionaire Matchmaker" tells a man that chivalry will get him laid, he will open the door all the time. A girl giggles when a boy holds her hands, he will hold her hands all the time. Great kisser? He's had a lot of practice! Make sure you ask him how many girls he's been with, does he hook up, etc.?

Never again. When a guy smiles, I will ask him why he's smiling. If he tells me, "Because you're beautiful." BULLSHIT! When a guy opens the door for me, I will tell him he doesn't have to open the door for me. I am capable. If he insists, BULLSHIT! When a guy holds my hands, I will ask him to stop holding my hands because it's misleading, confusing. If he says "I like holding your hands," BULLSHIT! If he kisses me great, I will ask him how many girls he's been with. If he says "you are the only girl I want to kiss," BULLSHIT!

So, the next time a guy holds my hands... kisses me passionately...gives me amazing sex? It doesn't mean anything. It's all BULLSHIT!

the day i texted david who told me he's never going to be happy with me because I don't have that thing guy's go crazy for. he added ‎"I think you deserve more than what you settle for." BULLSHIT!


xoxo,

Jas

Straight or Not?

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Chick Flick Obsession!

One not-so-secret-fact about me... I watch a lot of romantic comedies. The Wedding Date, Sleepless in Seattle, Maid in Manhattan, The Wedding Planner, Pretty Woman, Flipped, He's Just Not That Into You, The Nanny Diaries, Sex and the City -- I could go on and on. You name it, I've either watched it or will want to go see it. Romantic comedies bring so many emotions: I scream, I giggle, I laugh, I cry.

Actually, I cry for hours even after a happy ending. I cry because I know that I will never have a man kneel in front of me and ask me to marry them. I cry because I will never see an engagement ring wrapped around my fingers. I cry because I will never walk the aisle with my father. I cry because I will never look at someone at the end of that aisle and see their love and happiness for me. I cry because I will never have the father-daughter dance that I have always wanted. I cry because it's hard to imagine that I will ever have a happy ending.

Ah, I am such a cry baby! Sometimes I kick myself, not really... maybe more like hit myself, for being too emotional. I spend hours crying, and I end up having painful eyes. It hurts. This is stereotypical, but I am going to say it... I am such a girl! I know, one of the memorable Miss Universe answers to the question "What advice would you give a man?" -- "To become vulnerable, to be open, to show his emotions... because there is nothing more beautiful." Okay, I just made that up. But, hopefully you get the idea.

Anyway, I'm a girl! I want someone to ask me to marry him someday. I don't want to die a single woman; I want to grow old with someone. I want to show someone who much I love them, how much I care for them, how much I appreciate them in my life. Yes, this can be anyone -- a friend, a brother, a mother -- but I want to be romantically involved with someone. Is this being selfish? It just makes me think how I want to love someone unconditionally, which I find very difficult.

I want to become a mother, so I can feel how my mother felt when she raised me, so I can feel the love I had for my mother. I imagine that I would never have a child, because I obviously can't give birth biologically. Plus, my semen is not good anymore because it has been intoxicated with estrogen and spirolactone. I know that transwomen, who plan their transition correctly and still want to have their children with their own genes, preserve their semen. I can't do that anymore! It's too late. My best option is to adopt, which is a good deed. However, I prefer a child who is my own or my partners. So, I think I would want to marry someone who is a single father or someone who is willing to get a surrogate! I know, it doesn't sound as great as adopting. There is just something about a father's love for his children that makes my knees tremble. I guess it's because I never felt it. I haven't seen my dad in 13 years, which is more than half of my life! I think this is also the reason why I imagine never having a father-daughter dance! Oh gosh, my eyes are getting watery from just thinking about it.

I don't know maybe it is the hormones. As they say, hormones make people who take them emotional. I guess it's true!

I continue to watch romantic comedies even though I cry for hours thinking I am never going to find the one. I know, I shouldn't be writing another blog entry about my love life. But, I cannot help it... so here it goes again! I am done with Ryan. After writing my previous blogs, I tried so hard to hold on to him. I wanted to wait and see if he'll realize that I am the one for him. He is the closest thing to love at first sight, but now I am finally ready to let it go. I let it go, and now it's hard finding someone that can make me feel the same way he made me feel. I am dating two other men, nothing serious, but every time I am with either one of them... I think about Ryan. I think to myself, I don't feel the same way as I did. I ask myself, "Am I trying to force something to happen because I am heartbroken?" It's hard to forget that feeling, something really special... and now, it's gone! Will I ever find it again? I don't know, but I just want to have fun for now.

I am just going to continue watching romantic comedies, over and over again. It is like me living my romantic life through the screen! I get butterflies in my stomach, I get excited... It's crazy because in the dating scene, the subject of favorite movies/genres always come up. My answer is always a romantic comedy. Well, my go-to answer is always Finding Nemo. I always cry when I watch it. It's because I wish I had a father like that! Someone who would travel thousands of miles just to be the father-figure that he was supposed to be.

xoxo,

Jas

Loving my body?!

How can I love my body when a small part of me is labeled as a negative by society? When one tiny body part changes everything about me. Well, not everyone in society... but I am slightly generalizing here. It shouldn't be this way, but it is the way people react to my unique-ness. I kept telling myself before... "I don't need SRS. It is not going to make me any more of a woman than I am now." I think differently now. I need surgery to complete my womanhood. I need it to complete me. This blog is not going to be about that. I am writing about some of my flaws, how I accept them, and how it makes me a better person.

Loving my body extends to embracing my physical appearance. Let's be realistic. Loving my body doesn't necessarily mean only embracing my flaws, ie. no curves, flat chest, or big stomach. Honestly, I am not as ashamed as some people can be or as I make myself to be. I may verbalize that I dislike my flat chest and big stomach and curve-less figure... but it is something that I want to change for myself.

Please note, for myself only.

Let's look at my body as a relationship, as my partner-in-crime.... to love my body is not only to embrace my imperfections, but also to take care of it, to improve it, to better it.

I may have expressed my interest in breast implants recently, but I know that I want to have one for one reason only: to become more passable and have confidence in my appearance. It may seem like I am contradicting myself here, and hopefully I can explain it further with the following sentences. I've always wanted breast implants as I've discussed with my few (three to be more precise) transgender friends. From experience, which may not be substantial, breast implants are part of the transition process. This step will accelerate my journey to becoming a woman, and it will definitely make a huge difference. I am not getting breast implants because I know guys will like them, I am doing it for myself. I currently have a small B cup from my hormones, natural and very soft.Some guys have actually told me to keep it that way. However, the transgender in me is whispering... "It is not enough!" I need to have bigger breasts. I am not sure if taking the same dosage of estrogen and spirolactone will make it any bigger, but I am scared to increase dosage because of the side effects. In the meantime... while waiting to save up money for breast implants, I use bra stuffing from Target. Having to re-adjust the stuffing is a hassle though, plus it's sometimes obvious when I wear spaghetti strap tops/dresses. I also invest in Victoria's Secret Push-up bra, and they work wonders!

I hear from people, "You're so skinny." I disagree. Compared to my age group, I would say I am average, which is not bad at all. I am actually heavier than I look. I don't starve myself, and I don't stuff myself with junk either. Yet, I still have a big stomach. I tell myself, I can eat healthier... but that's hard coming from a Pilipino family who eats rice for every meal. I use to frequent the gym, but I've had to cut out that luxury from my budget. Yes, that shouldn't be an excuse... I can run, stretch, walk around, play sports, etc. This is something I need to work on. I may be slightly ashamed of my big stomach, but I can say that when it is gone... I will be extra beautiful! In addition, drinking leads to weight gain... not only from alcohol calories, but also from the food I eat pre- and post- party. I am disappointed in myself because I did some heavy beer and hard liquor drinking in college (a year ago) and at least twice a month now. It's bad. I love my body, but I can love my body more. No excessive drinking, and avoid beer by thinking belly all the time. I can take care of myself and my body more. I would normally say that I don't watch what I eat (I even add in, I can eat a full rack of baby back ribs -- I think sometimes to prove that girls can eat too! We do not have to be as dainty as we are taught/expected to be. That's another thing, I seem to enjoy challenging the norm). I need to watch what I eat, and avoid junk food at all times. Ultimately and as already mentioned, I can love my body more. I can choose to eat healthy and live a healthier life.

Sidenote:
NOTES TO MYSELF On Becoming Sexier: do not eat like it is the end of the world; stop when I am full; I am not going to run out of food. Oh, and another thing: do not fall for someone who will end up hurting me. Or better yet, do not eat when someone ends up hurting me.

Lastly, I dislike my curve-less body. I can't do anything about it. I am not going to get liposuction that is for sure. It scares me. I remember watching the 200 Pound Beauty, and I was mesmerized by her transformation. That was an extreme though. I don't need that kind of change. I am not going to that extreme, but I am taking some advice though. I heard that drinking soy milk will make my waist smaller, and therefore creating that curvy shape in the middle. Also, running helps shape the ab area. I am a little hesitant about this though, because I don't want to end up with masculine abs. I hope the hormones and the soy milk will help shape and curve and flatten my stomach as feminine as possible. We will see. Because I have not witness any results, I usually wear loose dresses, or I wear a belt to accessorize a tight-fitting dress and create an illusion of a tiny waste and a good body curve. In terms of casual dressing, I wear skinny jeans or short shorts... with loose shirts, slightly bigger size shirts, and those tops that are flowy at the bottom. I can love my body and create an illusion to pleasure other's eyes.

To me, loving my body means appreciating what I have, working towards improving my health & lifestyle, and being resourceful as to how I can make these flaws positive. I developed a mentality, from watching Ugly Betty, that I see the beautiful in what is otherwise considered unattractive. I believe in this mentality because there's more to someone or something than meets the eye. I am currently "seeing" or "hanging out" with someone who might be considered "nerdy," but there's nothing ugly about them. It actually makes him attractive because he doesn't try to change it. As a bonus, his intelligence is appealing, his unique-ness is beautiful, his real-ness is awesome... he is just being himself. In addition, someone can be as fat as the 200 Pound Beauty, but when she is proud and takes ownership of her body... I would admire her for it, while I may be concerned for her health. I don't know if weight is correlated with health, but if science proves it, then I'd believe it. I don't want to risk my health because I believe otherwise. Anyway, I would admire the "nerd" and 200 Pound Beauty anytime. They are strong and truly beautiful from the inside-and-out. That is what I am working towards. As much as I love my body the way it is, I am constantly trying to better it... I want to be attractive not because of my physical appearance... I want to be beautiful for being myself.

xoxo,

Jas

PS.
I am going to Vegas this weekend. So I am going to break my no excessive alcohol rule. Oh, and I'm kinda worried for my estrogen and spirolactone... I'm just going to drink lots of water during the day and take it in the afternoon.

Miss Universe, forgetting my childhood dream!

I just recently watched a minute or two of Miss USA 2011, and it made me reminisce my childhood memories. I grew up watching Miss Universe, and my childhood dream is to become one. I didn't want to become a lawyer, a doctor, or a celebrity, I wanted to become Miss Universe! Although I was young, I knew that it was impossible and that I will never get to wear long gowns or answer the final question. But, I really miss my youth because I got to re-enact my childhood dream.

In a small town in the Philippines, I thoroughly enjoyed playing with my neighbors. I was between 5 to 7 years old. One night during fiesta, I witnessed a Miss Gay Pageant and I was surprised to see so much support and talent. Of course, this was different from Miss Universe because it seemed like it was done for entertainment purposes. But, I was young and I didn't think too much of it. Now, I know that I am not gay, I am a heterosexual woman who was born different. The next day, I played with my neighbors and re-enacted the pageant... I represented Miss Venezuela. I wore a floral curtain for my gown with my mom's heels, and I made my shorts and shirt look like a two piece bikini. I remember feeling so good about myself. So confident about my walk and giving it all I've got. It was an awesome experience!

When I was younger, I remember watching Miss Universe every year and being empowered by the beauty and elegance of the candidates. Now, I am not sure if I watch the pageant for the same reason. I don't know if it's the Trump organization or who knows what, but I personally believe that the direction of Miss Universe is going nowhere. It has been too commercialized, and the message it sends to the world, even the most remote areas, is unacceptable. Below, I am going to compare Miss Universe Interview Q&A before and after Trump.

Ten years ago, here are my two favorite Miss Universe winners:

MPULE KWELAGOBE (Miss Botswana) at the 1999 Miss Universe Contest: "Should Miss Universe be allowed to keep her crown if she became pregnant? "Her reply: "Personally, I think it should not in any way interrupt her duties. She should be allowed to celebrate her femininity."
SUSHMITA SEN (Miss India) at the 1994 Miss Universe Contest: "What’s the essence of being a woman? "Her reply: "Just being a woman is God’s gift. The origin of a child is a mother, a woman. Woman is sharing, she shows a man what sharing, caring, and loving is all about. That is the essence of a woman."

These two answers send powerful messages to young children, so empowering to women! I like the Q&A portion because it shows what women are capable of, that we are intelligent, strong, and we can make a difference!

In contrast, Miss Universe 2009 crowned Miss Venezuela who stated, “I do believe that we have reached the same level as men have. We must realize that there are no longer any barriers among us.”

This answer is empowering, but it leaves questions that need clarification. I believe that "we have reached the same level as men have" is not true, and it is a misrepresentation of women and their struggles around the world. While it may seem that women are now getting the same jobs as men, it is not as proportionate or as equal as it could be. More importantly, employment is not the only issue in achieving of equality. There are other factors - health, education, etc.

Women have come a long way, but we are far from reaching the same level as men. While society doesn’t prioritize reproductive justice that affects women worldwide, social justice for women is not achieved. Statistics show that 200 million women to have unmet needs of contraceptives, over ½ die from childbirth and pregnancy complications, and nearly 70,000 die from unsafe abortions. We have the technology, yet traditional values continue to deprive marginalized communities of the necessary information and resources. 48% of all HIV-positive adults are women, and STIs in women are more than 5 times than in men.

I am not so sure about where the media is taking us and social justice, but I feel that we're taking a step back. I am a big supporter of women's and LGBT rights, and I feel that we need re-direction.

In the 18th century, Wollstonecraft acknowledges a huge flaw in the development of society. Classical theorists were all white and wealthy men, and as Rousseau argues, society believed that women do not need rational education because they are too susceptible and too fragile for rational and abstract thought. Wollstonecraft states that women are not naturally inferior to men and this idea is socially constructed. Women are capable of rational thought with proper education and the same fundamental rights as men. Wollstonecraft argues that educated women will benefit society as a whole. As it seems that women have the same opportunities as men today, it is difficult to ignore the fact that the patriarchal society still continues to counteract the efforts in enacting social change.

This was written decades ago, but young girls are still being taught the same thing. It is so institutionalized. In popular media, especially in Disney movies, our children are taught the same classical idea that the main purpose of a woman is to be beautiful and to serve their husbands. The fact that we continue to teach our children gender roles that create gaps in education and employment is really disappointing.

This is a really interesting subject to me. If I do go into a GWS(MA or Ph.D.) program, I want to examine the trends in Miss Universe in correlation to the progress in women's rights. I want to understand why I feel the way I feel, why I am questioning whether Miss Universe is taking a step back in promoting women's rights and empowering our community.

In conclusion, this is just a rant about my frustration concerning Miss Universe. It is really difficult for me because it was my childhood dream! Am I frustrated because I know I will never become one, yet this excellent opportunity to make a difference is taken for granted. Maybe someday, they will allow someone like me to participate in such a wonderful event... Maybe someday, I will make a difference!


xoxo,

Jas


PS.
While writing, I was preoccupied watching youtube videos of Asia SF. It makes me want to be one of the women. They are so beautiful and strong, and I heard most of them have careers (ie. nurses). It is empowering to see trans-women, so talented and proud. I want to be one of them. Someday, I will!

Bikini: Steps of Tucking In

I'm off today, and I am going to the beach with my cousins. I love the beach, and everything about it. However, wearing a bikini is one thing that I always think about when I go. It always seem to be a problem, or a hassle is a better way to describe it.

It's hard (pun intended) to hide things when I can't wear layers of panties and wear shorts/pants/a dress. Usually when I go out, I wear two underwears, both of which are one size smaller than my normal size. It gets uncomfortable at times, but it works. Why do I do this? Well, I don't do it all the time. The main reason I do it, is when I plan on going out clubbing/barhopping, and dancing or flirting involves bodies very close to and touching each other -- hands caressing each other's bodies... I do it to avoid my secret being exposed. I know, I am passable... but guys are smart. When they touch something that shouldn't be there, something is not right.

Here's how I do it:
1. Wear two panties, both a size smaller... I am a small, so I wear extra small. This helps keep the "extra" in place, I tuck it down then back in between my thighs. No, it doesn't go inside the ass, but I put it down and back so that there is no sign of "extra" in other's eyes.
2. The first panty I put on, I put a panty liner. Without a panty liner, it would look like a very weird, a pronounced camel-toe. Some guys like it, but I don't want that kind of attention. The panty liner hides that camel-toe, make that part of the body seem smooth... plus, it also helps in keeping the "extra in place.
3. Be aware. Know what is going on down there, and feel free to go to the bathroom multiple times to check and fix any problems. This is a hassle especially when I'm on dates, because I don't know what the guy is thinking. Does he think I'm having diarrhea or bowel problems? Well, if he asks me... I just tell him, "something is in my eye. I can't seem to find it, but it's making me really uncomfortable."

Anyway, I do not have any problems with my tucking in process for going out or having a normal day. It works all the time, except when I go to the beach because I wear a two piece bikini. Not that I have to, I want to. Obviously I cant wear two underwears and a panty liner, because it would be too suspicious in a bikini. Of course, I recommend just wearing shorts on top of my bikini bottom... but, I want an even tan, not a shorts tan. It's a hard decision. So, when I go to the beach, I still put on the liner. I use thin ones, and it's not like girls don't do it. It still works, but I cannot do a lot of movements, not a lot of walking or going in the water, which is fine because I just like to tan or people watch. It sucks though, because I also love playing beach volleyball and jumping. This is when I usually put on shorts.

I am not going to let this hassle stop me from going to the beach, something that I love... something that I enjoy. But, hopefully soon... I don't have to do it anymore.


xoxo,

Jas


PS.
Thanks everyone for visiting my blog and telling your friends about it. I actually make some money using Google Adsense.

Papsmears?!

I enjoy my job as a Domestic Violence Counselor. I work very closely with empowered and empowering women. I appreciate this position a lot because I am a woman, and I am helping other women. I especially love my job because the term women includes transgender individuals. I was going to say transgender women, but who determines whether trans-men are considered women? I know, trans-men probably would prefer to identify and be referred to as men... but in terms of getting the proper services, I believe that it shouldn't matter.

Let's look at the health needs of these two populations, for example. Transgirls (women born in a male body) still needs to get prostate exams-, while transmen (men born in a female body) still need to get pap smears among other things. Of course, unless I've done surgery... then I am not sure. I would think I wouldn't because I don't have those parts anymore... but, would I need to get papsmears? Not sure either, so don't take my word for it. I am confident that one thing I would have to use post-SRS is 10in, 14in, and I don't know how much more I can take dilators. Anyway, I am always reminded of this topic because whenever I set up an appointment or go to Kaiser, they would ask me if I would like to get a pap smear as I am long overdue. I wouldn't need a papsmear, but my record is of a female and they would have to keep asking me the same question. I just brush it off by saying, "Uhhh, not for now... maybe next time!" Sometimes I get an occasional, "But, you're overdue!" I respond back, "It's okay. I don't have time for it now." Honestly, this conversation makes me really uncomfortable. A part of me likes that I am seen as a girl, but another part of me doesn't know how to respond. I still need my prostate exam, but that is something that I can do myself. However, sometimes I don't trust myself... so I just go to my physician who already knows or my endocrinologist who is watching my hormone levels. Ultimately, not everyone at the hospital needs to know... even if they did, most of them are not trained to deal with awesome girls like me!

On another incident, I remember going to the Berkeley Free Clinic and seeking HIV- and STD- testing services. It was during Men's testing day. I still needed to get those services, so I disclosed my gender identity with them. I may be wrong to have done this, but I needed to get tested and it would be the same thing when I go to a women's day. It is frustrating because the person assigning the had to tell everyone I had to see, but it was understandable especially as he specifically selected practitioners who are sensitive to the issue. It's great because in clinics like these employees are educated and trained on the issue, progressive as I would say, so I didn't feel like I was being judged or stared at for such a long time. So I didn't mind it at all. Hopefully someday, all services will be accessible like this!

OMG, so I started this blog entry with how I love my job as a domestic violence counselor. I really enjoy it, but sometimes I can't help but wonder what the clients are thinking. Do they know? Do they have an idea? Are they comfortable with a transgirl (someone who is still biologically male) in a women's space? I will never know until one of them will say something about it. For now, I constantly have to watch myself, what I look like and what I do, how I talk and how I express myself. This is crazy thinking, but it's something that doesn't easily go away... unless I become Jasmine officially.

xoxo,

Jas

Under-employed?

I graduated from an elite school, UC Berkeley the #1 Public University in the world. Most people I meet are either surprised that I had a hard time looking for a job or the return is not as much as I invested, time and money. But, how can one determine whether or not a job is the best job in the world? I enjoy my job working very closely with domestic violence victims. It is an issue that I can relate to a lot, and definitely want to change. I love my job, but most people still see it as not-the-best job in the world. Who cares! I think its the best job, I enjoy it and I always look forward to working on the weekends, even when it means I can't go out and have fun with friends.

Anyway, I am writing to talk about the escort industry because it is not uncommon in my community. I would say, I've thought a lot about it... and I am glad I've never done it. I am not here to preach or anything. But, if you are considering the escort industry... please think twice about it, be sure it is something that you can do and want to do. I've been tempted to do it because some of my tgirls recommended it since I am not gainfully employed yet. But, I kindly declined. I know, its hard to say no to great money and flexible hours... easy money (earn $300/hour or less, x 4 clients/day is $1200/day, 4 days/week = $4800/week, $57600/year or more depending on clients -- just to give you an idea of how tempting it is) but thinking twice about it doesn't hurt. Think about your morals, is this something you can live with, make sure you are safe... As money goes, don't go spending it on shopping, drugs, etc. Spend it wisely, save up so you don't end up doing this for life. Pay for school, etc. Anyway, I am writing about this to talk about my personal experience. I've thought about doing it, but I am glad I didn't. I am glad I can say, I didn't do that. I didn't have to do that. I chose not to do that. I mean, there is nothing bad about it. It's just the stigma that people attach to the activity. It's the norm to ridicule such "promiscuity". I firmly believe that there is a transaction in both marriage and escort relationships. In a marriage, the women exchanges sex for something from men. It's the same thing in what is called "prostitution." The same activities, the same transaction. Agree or not, that is what I think.

Again, just because I don't see anything bad about the escort business... it doesn't mean I am promoting it. I kindly suggest thinking twice about it. For me, I feel great I chose not to do it, even if it was within reach. If you do decide to do it... please visit this website: http://www.tsroadmap.com/early/sexwork.html, for tips, etc.

xoxo,


Jas

What not to do... Side-effects!

First it was smoking that I had to give up, now it's bananas! It's crazy, but these are just the simple things I need to avoid because they would accelerate the side-effects of estrogen and spirolactone. I wasn't listening, but smoking with estrogen is associated with blood clots and of course, smoking causes lung cancer. It's hard because I used to smoke, and I still find it hard difficult not to socially engage in conversations where cigarettes initiate the talk. But, I try to avoid it all the time... Bring a friend and tell them to remind you of the repercussions. As for spirolactone with bananas increases potassium level, which signals liver damage. I love bananas (with Nutella, or strawberry banana yogurt/smoothie). It sucks a lot. Plus, spirolactone itself is a diuretic and I must always drink water so I don't dehydrate. Anyway, these are the limitations that I will live with for the rest of my life. I also should avoid drinking, but I drink two drinks a week or less and the doctor said it was okay.

Anyway, this just made me think about my future plans. I plan on going back to school or working at UCSD, because they have a really good health insurance that covers SRS and breast augmentation. Right now, I am still waiting for a call from the Psychiatry Department to set up my very first appointment. Hopefully I will get a psychological evaluation that would allow me to finally become Jasmine. Well if successful, the side-effects doesn't stop there. I still need to take estrogen and spirolactone, as both are lifetime deals. So these things that I give up are forever.

xoxo,


Jasmine

Family Pictures ≠ Family Affairs

Yesterday, I was looking through all my facebook picture albums. Most of them are set on private because I do have pictures where I am not as feminine as I would want to be. This is funny to me, because most people who know my secret compliment me on my bravery and resilience. However, I feel like a coward because I often don't like being associated with being transgender or the idea of not passing. It's a scary thought for me because I do want to become a woman, and nothing else. As I mentioned from previous posts, being transgender is merely a tiny part of me... it does not define who I am, but I do embrace the pain and struggles that I share with many trans girls out there. More importantly, I am an advocate for LGBT and women's rights, utilizing different outlets such as sharing my personal experiences in this blog.

Well, back to family pictures. Looking back, I noticed that I missed most of the family occasions (Christmas, weddings, anniversaries, etc.) because I didn't feel comfortable living two lives. I didn't want to go to these family gatherings because having to dressed in more masculine clothes made me extremely uncomfortable. I felt like I was taking a huge step back, and compromising what I firmly believe in. I remember living as a woman in Berkeley and coming home as a boy in San Diego for the first two years of college. There was this one time when I went home to San Diego without telling my family, but I ended up meeting my mom in the public bus. She almost didn't recognize me, but I felt guilty so I couldn't ignore her. I just went ahead and played it as if I was going to surprise her. And, she definitely was surprised. Luckily, I was dressed in jeans and a shirt.

I keep going off tangent. Anyway, I think part of me was embarrassed and I didn't want my family to be associated with me. I don't know why, but I just want to throw away all the pictures and memories with my masculine features. It's not who I am. I understand it is still part of me, but I just want to forget about it. Ultimately, family is not about pictures... its about the time I spend with them.

xoxo,

Jas

Paranoid Much?

For the past month, I haven't talked to Ryan as much. I am not used to it. I adapted to having him around and asking me how my day is going everyday or having him cuddle/make out with me at least twice every week. It gets me paranoid when I don't hear from him. I keep asking myself different scenarios, guessing what he might be thinking at this moment... I will never know unless I ask or initiate the conversation. I believe that is one of the qualities I need to work on, being more proactive when I want something or someone.

We did have the talk a little over a month ago, and we both agreed that commitment is not something we should do so suddenly. I've only been dating him for a little over four months now. Though I still wonder about his statement, "I just want to let you know that I like vaginas." Is he not interested in becoming more serious or committed because I do not have what he wants, a vagina? It sucks a lot. Like seriously, I cannot even think of other options... I just want to be a woman, to legally become Jasmine. I feel like I am never going to find anyone if I have to go through the cycle I mention in a previous blog. I thought I had a strong connection with Ryan, there's spark, butterflies in my stomach sort of deal -- but I get the feeling that he simply disregards that strong connection because of a tiny part of me, and IT HURTS! It just shows that I cannot find anyone unless I do something about it, unless I become Jasmine legally, unless I hide everything about my past. I want to be loved, adored, treated as a woman -- one of the reasons why I prefer straight menn more than someone who seeks transgirls for love.

I am seriously thinking about giving it up, giving up on Ryan because I know I could do so much better. But, I like him a lot. I know I've said I like many guys from the past, but this one is different. I don't have to think twice when I say or do something. No lies, everything is real. No fake or forced orgasms. The first real honest relationship with the closest thing to love at first sight, and I am thinking of letting it go. He makes me feel comfortable... and that makes it harder to let go. I am just going with the flow right now, not act as needy of him (just him) as I really am and see where it takes me.

I am the monogamous type, the commitment kind of girl... even when its not serious or just a friends with benefits kind of thing. Unless I find a potential, then I end the friends with benefits drama. Since I don't know where I stand with Ryan (although I know its more than just friends, because I don't cuddle or make out like that with any friend), I am dating other men... and I can totally get a Naval Officer or a Med student. The only problem is... they do not know either, and I am pretty sure it is going to turn out to something like Ryan or worse. I went on a date with Adam for the first time yesterday, and it was amazing! We clicked. He's nerdy and hella attractive, athletic and he has a twin brother - his best friend. I think it's amazing when siblings are your best friends. We didn't say anything about our appearances, we just talked about each other... passions, favorite movies, family, etc. It was an intelligent conversation, I was talking to him about women's and LGBT rights... and he was really interested. Only lie I told, I identified as an ally. Well, technically, it's not a lie because I am a heterosexual woman, and I am an ally in the LGBT community. I also like bringing issues like these during dates because 1.) I want to know if we can have great intellectual conversantions, I like that he was playing devils advocate, and 2.) I somewhat get an idea of how comfortable they are talking about their side/opinion. We ended up talking at the beach for 3.5 hours, time flew by. BTW, that was the best date ever! Coffee and walk at the beach, simple... but perfect. It was my ideal date. My dream date is checked off of my bucket list!

On a sidenote, I deleted my pictures, videos on youtube, and any information that might link me to this blog. I'm hella paranoid. I had such a great time with Adam. In general, I don't want someone to find out through the internet or through their friends whom I don't even know. I feel it is really rude when my friends tell their friends my secret for entertainment purposes (even for analyzing gender), because friends are in no position to do so, unless permitted. It is not their business to disclose such personal information.

Am I wanting to get sex re-assignment surgery because I know it will make it easier, easier to find love. That is what I want, but I am so confused because I definitely don't want to go through it if men are pushing me to do it. I don't want to do something if it's for someone else. I want to make the decision for myself, I want to go through it because it is what I want. And, it is. For now, I am not sure, because I am more driven to do it... more reason, but I am hoping the primary reason is not Ryan or any other guy.

I know I have been talking a lot about love and relationships. It reflects what I've been thinking a lot lately. I don't want to be the aunt without children, someone who takes care of my brother's children because I cannot have my own... I want to have at least 2, at most 3 children. I don't want to live my life dating. I want to find the one, the one I want to grow old with. It's Ryan, I can feel it. I think he's scared, still confused. Doesn't know what to do or feel. I would normally just let it go, but I understand him... I know there is something there. He's super real... no lies, no compliments, very honest. I don't want to keep dating other guys, but I am unsure with Ryan. Right now, I have to because it makes me one step closer tofinding love with the right one. There's other great guys out there.

xoxo,

Jas

Five years ago...

It seems like only yesterday when I began my journey to womanhood. I remember writing a children's book as my AP English Literature senior project (It's hidden on my Facebook notes, and only a few of my facebook friends have seen/read it). I wrote "A Boy In Pink," a short story about a young boy who puts himself in a dark alley because other children ridiculed him for wearing a pink dress. Ultimately, he finds that he doesn't have to be alone -- his family and very close friends accept him. It was then that he embraced his identity, and he worked on becoming a real girl.

That was my ideal story, and I wish I didn't have to put myself in a dark alley. Five years ago, I decided to move away from home because I thought it was the only way for me to be happy without hurting the most important people my life. I found it very difficult to live without my family, but I had to do it. On my first year in college, I was severely depressed. I didn't have a lot of friends, and I remember crying every night because I thought I was alone. I didn't know anyone who was going through the same thing I did.

I used the internet as my outlet of finding a community and finding the resources I needed. I was lucky enough to find http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html, which provided all the information I needed. I also utilized chatrooms, online forums, and YouTube where I found friends who shared their personal experiences and gave me transition advice. I always knew that I wanted to be on hormones because everyone was telling me it does wonders! However, I also knew that I couldn't get it through Kaiser. I didn't want my mom to find out. So, I decided to self-medicate, but I did my research before doing so (again, I highly recommend seeing a licensed physician because he can monitor your progress and he can help prevent any complications or lessen the side-effects).


A friend from YouTube suggested ordering my pills online (http://www.inhousepharmacy.biz/) because they don't check prescriptions. I did, and I started using Estrofem and Diane 35. I believe I was taking 8mg of estrogen/day. It was expensive. I was spending about $450 every three months, and I would use my financial aid to pay for it. I didn't always have money, because I had to pay for other things. So, I would take hormones on-and-off. I will be on hormones for three months, the off for the next three months, and then on again. Looking back, I now know that doing that was extremely unhealthy and highly dangerous. It's crazy how this is a norm in the transgender community because it is so difficult and costly to access health care. We definitely need to re-evaluate the needs of minority within minority communities.

I noticed a lot of changes in my body. Body hair growth was slower, my skin felt smoother, and my breast became really sensitive. I was extremely happy, I was finally going where I want to be. I became more confident because I was slowly becoming myself... I was becoming a girl. I had trouble taking it in though. I would still go in the Men's restroom until I was caught and was told I was in the wrong bathroom. It was a really confusing phase for me. I didn't know where to go. I do get looks, even in the women's restroom and it's scary. In 2008, I went on a roadtrip with friends to a conference. We stopped at a gas station, and I went in the women's restroom. Two ladies were talking about me in Tagalog, saying I was in the wrong bathroom and I shouldn't be there. I was heartbroken. Here I was thinking I was passable, and two women were saying otherwise. It really hurt.

This incident told me that I was not passable, and I needed more changes. I wanted to take double my pills, but I couldn't afford it and I also thought about the side-effects. I think it didn't help that I was taking hormones on-and-off. I would get the results I wanted for the time I'm on hormones, then it would vanish when I am off it. It was really frustrating.

Luckily, I am now on hormones and I am regulated by a licensed physician. This serves as an update about my previous blog. I finally found an endocrinologist who knows what he's doing, who understands, and who is knowledgeable about resources here in San Diego. Now, I will be taking 150 mg of spirolactone, 4 mg of estrogen, and a weekly patch of .625mg estrogen. I asked him if I can go on injections again, he said it is more risky. Actually, pills are the riskiest (is that a word?), then injections, then patches. He also referred me to a Psychiatrist who works closely with transgender individuals, hopefully she can do my evaluations so I can move forward.



xoxo,


Jas

Wish me luck! I need my hormones!

I will need it. Well, not just for hormones but also for a better endocrinologist.

I have an appointment with a new endocrinologist tomorrow to figure out my transition status. If you're not familiar with transgender terms, I will define 'transition' as someone's progress towards a goal. In my case, to become a woman... pretty self-explanatory.

You may be asking why I would need an endocrinologist. He watches my Estrogen and Spirolactone intake to prevent any liver complications. He consults and gives me the best options to better meet my goals. From this appointment, I hope to finally find a permanent endocrinologist who will help me with my transition and who will not create barriers to accessing my health needs.

If you know me well -- actually, not a lot of people do because I am quite reserved when it comes to these topics -- you probably have heard about my frustration about accessing quality health care as a transgirl here in San Diego . I am not sure whyI did not have any problems when I was in the Bay Area, but now... its so hard to get hormones from freaking Kaiser!

This is extremely troublesome to me because its a lot easier to get hormones from the black market, under-the-table sort of thing. I remember when I first started taking hormones, I just did my research and I started self-medicating, which I now consider hella scary. The first time I got my bloodwork done, my estrogen level was about 3500, which is 8 times the normal (I am not a mathematician, don't judge!). A pregnant woman's estrogen level is usually about 400. High estrogen levels may cause breast cancer and high spirolactone dosage destroys the liver.

Now, I get a better understanding of what is going on in my body as a medical professional explains every sitauation. I do bloodwork every three months to make sure that everything is normal, and it makes me a lot more comfortable, especially with the risk that I am putting myself in. So, I have been looking for a better endocrinologist -- someone who understands and advocate for transgender girls like me -- for the past 8 months and hopefully this is the last.

Let me do a quick comparison overview of my experiences trying to get hormones from the Bay Area and San Diego.

When I was in the Bay Area, it did not have any problem finding someone to help me with my transition. My primary physician understood that I have been taking hormones for the past 2 years and I already look like a woman. He even asked me if I am FTM (female-to-male), but I am the opposite. MTF (male-to-female). He made me happy everytime I went to my appointments because I know I have someone caring for me. He even suggested to go to psychiatrist, if I think I needed it. I know I don't, but I really like that it wasn't a requirement to make sure this is what I want. I really miss the Bay. There are hella resources available there, plus there are more sensitive providers there!

Here in San Diego, primary physician was not knowledgeable about the transgender population and our needs. She quickly referred me to a general endocrinologist. When I saw my endocrinologist, she made me really uncomfortable, questioning me why I want to do this and telling me to go to a psychiatrist to make sure this is what I want. I explained to her three times that I've lived the last 4 years as a woman, and why would she think I would go back now. I wouldn't invest those years if I am just going to change my mind. She asked me to see a psychiatrist so that she can prescribe me hormones, so I did. When I saw a psychiatrist, they told me that they don't do psychological evaluations for transgender girls. I was so pissed. I wasted my time, energy, hopes, and a freakin' $20 copay just to be rejected like that. She was no help at all. It sucks when they just keep referring me out like that. I finally asked to be switched out and referred to someone else. She hella stopped my prescription which made me hella irritated. Am I suppose to stop taking my hormones and start over again when I find someone else?

Well, I am going to my appointment tomorrow to figure it out. Wish me luck! I hope all goes well.


xoxo,

Jas

PS.
There's a Trans Clinic here in San Diego, it's called Project Star! However, I am not sure how accessible it is. It is only by appointment, and I've called their phone number hella times and left a voicemail. No answer, no return calls! :l

Becoming Jasmine

Honestly, I was always fond of the name Jasmine. I remember when I was 11 years old, and I spent most of my time playing and keeping Whacku alive on Neopets.com. It was like... my life! Ironically, it was the first time that I pursued a virtual reality, where I could finally be myself... and the internet helped me embrace my identity.

I created a username using the first name Jasmine. It was then that my home address started receiving junk mail for Jasmine. I was so scared, and my family was super confused about who she is. Eventually, I returned it to sender knowing that it was for me. There was a point when I would rush home just to get to the mailbox before somebody else does, but that didn't really work. I just had to deny it, which I was terribly bad at because I admit... I am not a good liar. My family did not know who she was until later on, or should I say until 2 years ago. Or actually, I am not sure if they'd even remember.

Anyway, I started introducing my name as Jasmine recently. I even made it official on Facebook, and everyone was super confused. Here's the funny story: in short, I changed my facebook name to Jasmine because two handsome and charming boys from Plentyoffish.com started talking to me.

Yes, I did online dating. Story of my life, but I would say it makes dating so much more easier for a girl like me. I can easily screen out the douchebags, and men that do not deserve my attention. I am not promoting online dating or anything, but I can't say anything bad about it either. Well, except that I am ashamed of it. I shouldn't be. I meet the greatest guys on there. Men I wouldn't even have the chance meeting. Haha. I am not fishing for compliments here.

Well, here's the longer version of the story. There are plenty of goodlooking guys on Plentyoffish.com. However, most of them are either douchebags or just there to show off their good looks. I guess I can't blame them, it makes them happy. Rarely do I ever find someone who is actually worth talking to, someone sincere and genuine. Well, I found a couple of men there. I started talking to them and we hit it off. Before adding them on Facebook, I realized that I introduced myself as Jasmine; therefore, I changed my name. I've always wanted to do it anyway.

Last summer, I even told my good college friends in Berkeley that I would like to change my name to Jasmine someday. They think it is funny, asking me why I would ever change my name. It's already so feminine. Well, well, well... I really like Jasmine because I could finally be a sweet and down-to-earth girl. Not only do guys dig it, but also I really dig it because it really fits me. Pretty, demure, and down-to-earth! :)

That's all that I have with Name Change story. Hopefully, I will be Jasmine on legal, government-issued documents someday soon!

xoxo,

Jas


PS.
There's more to the story of Becoming Jasmine. I will be writing more about my transformation and transition in later blogs.

I am no Jane Austen.

Just to make it clear, I am no Jane Austen. In fact, I am her antithesis. I am simply Jasmine - outgoing, carefree, and down-to-earth. Don't get me wrong, I love her and the novel, Becoming Jane. However, this blog is nothing about her or any of her novels. It has nothing to do about extravagance nor does it have to do with beauty. In reality, this blog talks about adversity and success.

I created this blog to write about my personal journey to womanhood, sugarcoat-less. As I write, I hope to amuse you with my quirkiness, inform you about the life of a trans girl, and encourage you to become catalysts.

I guess it is good to start with a brief introduction. As time progresses, I hope you get an idea of what my life is like.

I was born and raised in the Philippines, and moved to the United States when she was 11. I am now a 23 years old girl living in San Diego, California. I have a degree in Political Economy and I enjoy working with under-served communities. Currently, I work at two nonprofit organizations: one working with domestic violence victims and the other working with international researchers to improve access to health care worldwide. Life is short, and I want to make a difference while I’m alive!

I am unique and different, which both make me beautiful. I am independent and care-free, family-oriented and a loyal friend, down-to-earth and outgoing! I am city girl, but also a nature-lover. I love going to the beach, playing beach volleyball, hiking, playing board games, going out, happy hours, and meeting new people. I would say I am well-rounded, and I am always up for an adventure!

At first glance, people tell me I seem like sweet, attractive girl. Well, they’re NOT wrong and I am not going to deny it. However, there's more to me than meets the eye. Well, not really a lot more. I actually wish there's nothing more. But, as mentioned... I am no ordinary girl. I am a male-to-female transgender, which means I was not born a woman. Yes, I still have my penis (hopefully changing it soon). So, I work extra hard making myself appear as feminine as possible. It's a contradiction for me to embrace my unique-ness while trying to assimilate to gender norms, but it makes me happier every day!

Becoming Jasmine is a blog about my transformation... my journey to womanhood. This blog will follow my life and my transition to become a woman. It will involve laughters, tears, headaches, excitement, etc. Hopefully in the end, I will get a fairytale and a happily ever after!

xoxo,

Jas