We did have the talk a little over a month ago, and we both agreed that commitment is not something we should do so suddenly. I've only been dating him for a little over four months now. Though I still wonder about his statement, "I just want to let you know that I like vaginas." Is he not interested in becoming more serious or committed because I do not have what he wants, a vagina? It sucks a lot. Like seriously, I cannot even think of other options... I just want to be a woman, to legally become Jasmine. I feel like I am never going to find anyone if I have to go through the cycle I mention in a previous blog. I thought I had a strong connection with Ryan, there's spark, butterflies in my stomach sort of deal -- but I get the feeling that he simply disregards that strong connection because of a tiny part of me, and IT HURTS! It just shows that I cannot find anyone unless I do something about it, unless I become Jasmine legally, unless I hide everything about my past. I want to be loved, adored, treated as a woman -- one of the reasons why I prefer straight menn more than someone who seeks transgirls for love.
I am seriously thinking about giving it up, giving up on Ryan because I know I could do so much better. But, I like him a lot. I know I've said I like many guys from the past, but this one is different. I don't have to think twice when I say or do something. No lies, everything is real. No fake or forced orgasms. The first real honest relationship with the closest thing to love at first sight, and I am thinking of letting it go. He makes me feel comfortable... and that makes it harder to let go. I am just going with the flow right now, not act as needy of him (just him) as I really am and see where it takes me.
I am the monogamous type, the commitment kind of girl... even when its not serious or just a friends with benefits kind of thing. Unless I find a potential, then I end the friends with benefits drama. Since I don't know where I stand with Ryan (although I know its more than just friends, because I don't cuddle or make out like that with any friend), I am dating other men... and I can totally get a Naval Officer or a Med student. The only problem is... they do not know either, and I am pretty sure it is going to turn out to something like Ryan or worse. I went on a date with Adam for the first time yesterday, and it was amazing! We clicked. He's nerdy and hella attractive, athletic and he has a twin brother - his best friend. I think it's amazing when siblings are your best friends. We didn't say anything about our appearances, we just talked about each other... passions, favorite movies, family, etc. It was an intelligent conversation, I was talking to him about women's and LGBT rights... and he was really interested. Only lie I told, I identified as an ally. Well, technically, it's not a lie because I am a heterosexual woman, and I am an ally in the LGBT community. I also like bringing issues like these during dates because 1.) I want to know if we can have great intellectual conversantions, I like that he was playing devils advocate, and 2.) I somewhat get an idea of how comfortable they are talking about their side/opinion. We ended up talking at the beach for 3.5 hours, time flew by. BTW, that was the best date ever! Coffee and walk at the beach, simple... but perfect. It was my ideal date. My dream date is checked off of my bucket list!
On a sidenote, I deleted my pictures, videos on youtube, and any information that might link me to this blog. I'm hella paranoid. I had such a great time with Adam. In general, I don't want someone to find out through the internet or through their friends whom I don't even know. I feel it is really rude when my friends tell their friends my secret for entertainment purposes (even for analyzing gender), because friends are in no position to do so, unless permitted. It is not their business to disclose such personal information.
Am I wanting to get sex re-assignment surgery because I know it will make it easier, easier to find love. That is what I want, but I am so confused because I definitely don't want to go through it if men are pushing me to do it. I don't want to do something if it's for someone else. I want to make the decision for myself, I want to go through it because it is what I want. And, it is. For now, I am not sure, because I am more driven to do it... more reason, but I am hoping the primary reason is not Ryan or any other guy.
I know I have been talking a lot about love and relationships. It reflects what I've been thinking a lot lately. I don't want to be the aunt without children, someone who takes care of my brother's children because I cannot have my own... I want to have at least 2, at most 3 children. I don't want to live my life dating. I want to find the one, the one I want to grow old with. It's Ryan, I can feel it. I think he's scared, still confused. Doesn't know what to do or feel. I would normally just let it go, but I understand him... I know there is something there. He's super real... no lies, no compliments, very honest. I don't want to keep dating other guys, but I am unsure with Ryan. Right now, I have to because it makes me one step closer tofinding love with the right one. There's other great guys out there.
xoxo,
Jas
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