It seems like only yesterday when I began my journey to womanhood. I remember writing a children's book as my AP English Literature senior project (It's hidden on my Facebook notes, and only a few of my facebook friends have seen/read it). I wrote "A Boy In Pink," a short story about a young boy who puts himself in a dark alley because other children ridiculed him for wearing a pink dress. Ultimately, he finds that he doesn't have to be alone -- his family and very close friends accept him. It was then that he embraced his identity, and he worked on becoming a real girl.
That was my ideal story, and I wish I didn't have to put myself in a dark alley. Five years ago, I decided to move away from home because I thought it was the only way for me to be happy without hurting the most important people my life. I found it very difficult to live without my family, but I had to do it. On my first year in college, I was severely depressed. I didn't have a lot of friends, and I remember crying every night because I thought I was alone. I didn't know anyone who was going through the same thing I did.
I used the internet as my outlet of finding a community and finding the resources I needed. I was lucky enough to find http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html, which provided all the information I needed. I also utilized chatrooms, online forums, and YouTube where I found friends who shared their personal experiences and gave me transition advice. I always knew that I wanted to be on hormones because everyone was telling me it does wonders! However, I also knew that I couldn't get it through Kaiser. I didn't want my mom to find out. So, I decided to self-medicate, but I did my research before doing so (again, I highly recommend seeing a licensed physician because he can monitor your progress and he can help prevent any complications or lessen the side-effects).
A friend from YouTube suggested ordering my pills online (http://www.inhousepharmacy.biz/) because they don't check prescriptions. I did, and I started using Estrofem and Diane 35. I believe I was taking 8mg of estrogen/day. It was expensive. I was spending about $450 every three months, and I would use my financial aid to pay for it. I didn't always have money, because I had to pay for other things. So, I would take hormones on-and-off. I will be on hormones for three months, the off for the next three months, and then on again. Looking back, I now know that doing that was extremely unhealthy and highly dangerous. It's crazy how this is a norm in the transgender community because it is so difficult and costly to access health care. We definitely need to re-evaluate the needs of minority within minority communities.
I noticed a lot of changes in my body. Body hair growth was slower, my skin felt smoother, and my breast became really sensitive. I was extremely happy, I was finally going where I want to be. I became more confident because I was slowly becoming myself... I was becoming a girl. I had trouble taking it in though. I would still go in the Men's restroom until I was caught and was told I was in the wrong bathroom. It was a really confusing phase for me. I didn't know where to go. I do get looks, even in the women's restroom and it's scary. In 2008, I went on a roadtrip with friends to a conference. We stopped at a gas station, and I went in the women's restroom. Two ladies were talking about me in Tagalog, saying I was in the wrong bathroom and I shouldn't be there. I was heartbroken. Here I was thinking I was passable, and two women were saying otherwise. It really hurt.
This incident told me that I was not passable, and I needed more changes. I wanted to take double my pills, but I couldn't afford it and I also thought about the side-effects. I think it didn't help that I was taking hormones on-and-off. I would get the results I wanted for the time I'm on hormones, then it would vanish when I am off it. It was really frustrating.
Luckily, I am now on hormones and I am regulated by a licensed physician. This serves as an update about my previous blog. I finally found an endocrinologist who knows what he's doing, who understands, and who is knowledgeable about resources here in San Diego. Now, I will be taking 150 mg of spirolactone, 4 mg of estrogen, and a weekly patch of .625mg estrogen. I asked him if I can go on injections again, he said it is more risky. Actually, pills are the riskiest (is that a word?), then injections, then patches. He also referred me to a Psychiatrist who works closely with transgender individuals, hopefully she can do my evaluations so I can move forward.
xoxo,
Jas
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