Family Pictures ≠ Family Affairs

Yesterday, I was looking through all my facebook picture albums. Most of them are set on private because I do have pictures where I am not as feminine as I would want to be. This is funny to me, because most people who know my secret compliment me on my bravery and resilience. However, I feel like a coward because I often don't like being associated with being transgender or the idea of not passing. It's a scary thought for me because I do want to become a woman, and nothing else. As I mentioned from previous posts, being transgender is merely a tiny part of me... it does not define who I am, but I do embrace the pain and struggles that I share with many trans girls out there. More importantly, I am an advocate for LGBT and women's rights, utilizing different outlets such as sharing my personal experiences in this blog.

Well, back to family pictures. Looking back, I noticed that I missed most of the family occasions (Christmas, weddings, anniversaries, etc.) because I didn't feel comfortable living two lives. I didn't want to go to these family gatherings because having to dressed in more masculine clothes made me extremely uncomfortable. I felt like I was taking a huge step back, and compromising what I firmly believe in. I remember living as a woman in Berkeley and coming home as a boy in San Diego for the first two years of college. There was this one time when I went home to San Diego without telling my family, but I ended up meeting my mom in the public bus. She almost didn't recognize me, but I felt guilty so I couldn't ignore her. I just went ahead and played it as if I was going to surprise her. And, she definitely was surprised. Luckily, I was dressed in jeans and a shirt.

I keep going off tangent. Anyway, I think part of me was embarrassed and I didn't want my family to be associated with me. I don't know why, but I just want to throw away all the pictures and memories with my masculine features. It's not who I am. I understand it is still part of me, but I just want to forget about it. Ultimately, family is not about pictures... its about the time I spend with them.

xoxo,

Jas