What is this feeling... Sometimes I feel like a complete woman, no need for surgeries or any other materialistic desires. But, I often feel like the surgeries will make things better, the ability to afford clothing that are on trend will make me more attractive. Sometimes, I don't understand why my boyfriend likes me. Why he tells me that "You are beautiful" every time I see him. I feel like I don't deserve it. Knowing what his ex-girlfriends look like, I feel like I am not comparable, I am so large, dark, nothing to be attractive about. I know that the previous statement is problematic because large and dark are beautiful qualities, but I cannot help but be influenced by society that perpetuates this hierarchy of traits. Only in a perfect world, will everyone see me as beautiful and I will be as beautiful as everyone else... but, this is not a perfect world.
This morning, I thought about asking him directly, but I feel like that will push him away. I do not want to be that needy, self-conscious girlfriend who fishes for attention, but I would like to know specifically what draws him to me, because I do not know what it is... It is certainly not the magic "P" because we haven't done that in a while. Why is it that we don't do that as often anymore. Is it because we both live with our parents? It never stopped us before. We used to be crazy adventurous, up to your interpretation, but now we just hang out at coffee shops and study all the time. I guess its where we are right now, working towards our careers, but I think it would be nice to take a break from it all. So I sometimes lead him to believe that we are studying, then I instantly become hungry and then we get dinner. It works well, we get to take a break from studying and we get to talk, which I find to be the most important thing right now. Yes, I do miss the "D" but that can wait right now. In fact, I am kinda glad that our relationship is not dependent on that because my past relationships have been mostly that. I am trying to avoid using provocative language, because Google blocked my ads, which is where I get some help. I am just happy that I found such an amazing, almost perfect boyfriend.
All I can say is that he is different. He makes me laugh, smile, and rarely cry (not entirely his fault, because I tend to over-think things). When we go out, he makes me feel like I could be anyone I want to be, and he does not care or he is not embarrassed. When we rode the Manta at Sea World,I was screaming like I always do and he didn't make fun of me. When I laugh like a man or sneeze like the world is ending, he thinks it is cute... it is seriously weird. I promised myself that I wouldn't write about the guy that I am currently in a relationship with, but it is really hard, because he makes me happy despite the struggle and the hardships that I face this past few months.He makes me feel positive at times when I want to give up. He motivates me a lot, and he helps ease the stress from my classes and work. I am truly lucky to have such an amazing guy. I think I am in love with him, but I don't want to say it just yet. I am really afraid that I am not the girl for him, because i know he's such a great guy and he deserves an amazing girl. I know he tells me that he's lucky to have me too, but I find it difficult to believe because I know myself more than anything else, and I feel that I could be better. That's why he motivates me. I may be content with my life now, but I am seriously happy that I have someone who pushes me to go further. I am really happy to have him by my side.
Sometimes, I feel like I am not ready for this kind of relationship. I think it is too serious, especially when family is involved. It is one of the reasons why I found it really difficult to meet his family, but he insisted, so I finally did. It was actually one of the things we fought about, because his parents were asking why I didn't want to meet them and assumed that "We just don't want her to hurt you.." I am really glad that I have grown very close to his family, but I know that there is more to know about them. I know there is certainly a secret that they do not know about me, and Phillip tells me that they do not have to know. I am really scared though, because I am always conscious about being passable and being read. I think this is one of the reasons why I do not think I am ready for such a serious relationship, because it is not just about me anymore... other people are involved. I feel like he has the most to lose, because I do not know how his parents might react if they do ever find out. Thus, I began this post with the need for surgeries, not necessarily to make it more easy, but so that I don't have to constantly worry about it. So that they do now question why my breast size is not proportional to my large body, why I cannot wear two pieces, why I cannot do certain things... why I talk so weird, sometimes in too-high-of-a-pitch. I am also afraid of what his friends might say, I've met some of them already, but I never know what they think or say to Phillip. I do not want to be the cause for him to lose friendships, because I know how hard that can be. I know he is proud to introduce me to his parents and his friends and his coworkers right now, but I also know I want his family and his friends to like me. I know it is materialistic to want to have surgery and be more appealing, but it is what I need right now to be comfortable in my own body.I need surgery to be happy and to be content with my life. I need it, I want it.... I dream for it, and I cannot wait.
When I applied for the Jim Collins Foundation grant, I didn't quite take it seriously because I wasn't sure if I was going to get it. Last year, they only awarded 2 out of 300+ applicants, and the chances were slim. When I sent my application, It was rushed, but now I regret it because I could have been one of those lucky guys or girls. I would like to apply for it again next year, but I don't know if my chances will improve. I find it really difficult to believe that I will have a chance. I don't know how I can make my application to come across as "I need that surgery" without sounding so needy, without sounding like my life depended on it... but I do need it and I do think that I need it to live my life the way I want. I am trying to save up money, but it is impossible because I do not have enough income to actually save up money. I am dependent on my mom on some of living expenses such as gas, because I pay for my car, insurance, and other things. It sucks being 24 and not independent, because that is something that I want right now... but, I know it is going to have to wait another 3 years at least. As much as I want to stay in the MA in Women's Studies program, I do not think it is a fit for me nor will it be an investment (in terms of the two years, because it is essentially a free MA). I know that I want to be a nurse, and now that is my focus, maybe someday an MA is in my path, but not right now... Again, one of the reasons why I do not think I am ready for a relationship is because my decisions are not just about me anymore.... it involves people I do now want to disappoint... For now, I know that I need to do what I want and also do what is going to be an investment in the long run... Hopefully the people behind me will understand that. Maybe the next three years, I will not get any grants or any aid to fund my surgeries, but I know becoming a nurse will help me save up for it.
Right now, I am hella studying so that I can get a high GPA to get into a nursing program. I am aiming for a 3.9 Overall and a 4.0 Science. I plan on attending CSU San Marcos' ABSN, then maybe pursue an MSN. I haven't seriously talked to anyone about it yet, because I am afraid of being seen as a failure, because initially that is what I think of my career change. But, I know it is the right thing for me to do right now.
PS. I am at a local cafe with my boyfriend right now, and yes he is the cutest and most handsome guy I have ever met. I am so lucky to have him. He is so sexy when he smiles or when he is all serious studying. I am sure all the other girls around me are jealous because I have such an amazing boyfriend.
This is my version of a fairytale, no need to wait for a guy or for a guy to save me. He is my prince charming, because he doesn't make me feel like a fetish. I am not a sex object, but a woman who deserves to be love just like anyone else. He makes me believe that love is possible for a woman like me. I am happy to tell younger trans women out there that they do not need to change their expectations just because compulsory heterosexuality forces society to be attracted to those who belong perfectly to the binary. I am really happy to have found a wonderful man who sees me beyond my physicality, despite my personal self-consciousness.
xoxo,
Jas
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