During my first semester at Berkeley, I enrolled in an 8:00 am class. Not only that, it was also Calculus, which made me develop hatred for Math, which I loved in high school. Little did I know, it is not the same as high school, when I had 0 period for Show Choir and I would wake up at 5:00 am to make it to my 6:00 am class. College was way different!
I was really happy that I went to Berkeley because the dorms were coed, including the communal bathroom, so I didn't have to be nervous about going into the "wrong" bathroom. I still remember when one of my next door neighbors would look at me and say hi all the time... I still remember the look of confusion when they try to figure out whether or not the triple boy's room was a boy's room or girl's room. I was happy for being passable at that stage of my transition. It was bound to happen when that confusion would lead to the truth, and they would all discover that I am different. Some of my floor mates were nice about it, but the guys were just brutal! I am attaching a picture of a Facebook thread that one of my roommate posted on his wall. I deleted him after that. I am writing all over the place again, like always.
Anyway, it was around 7:00 am and Crossroads dining commons just opened. I usually get breakfast there before class because I really like the omelettes and bacon and sausage. Oh, I miss the days when I could eat everything I want. Fast metabolism, please come back! I was sitting in the dark corner by myself, and all of a sudden this handsome boy approached me and asked "Do you mind if I sit with you?" I was surprised because we were 2 out of about 10-15 students in a more than 200 capacity dining hall. I got nervous right away, and I said "Sure!" when I really meant, "No, I don't mind." I was hella stuttering because I didn't know why he approached me. I was nervous. I remember myself shaking while I ate... It was the most awkward sight ever. I miss college introductions, "What is your name?" "Where are you from" "What year are you?" "Major?" "Which unit do you live in?"... and on and on. Oh those years were awesome, meeting new friends and talking about future plans. I was pretty shy then, and I didn't know how to socialize much, so I hurried away... He must have thought I was the weirdest and most awkward girl he's ever met.
I thought about it over and over. His name is Ben B., same age as me, lived in Putnam Hall, from the Half Moon Bay, Computer Science major. I still remember the way he smiled at me. I'm still trying to figure out why he approached me. Did he know I was trans? Did he see me as a girl? Or did he see me as a boy? I never know, because I was so awkward that no friendships developed after that. I still thought about him though, because I pronounce him "the-guy-who-approached-me-first." I stalked him, and I still do from time to time. I would see him from time to time, and I would cautiously check him out all the time. He is so handsome, well not really... but he is handsome because he had the guts to approach me, he was friendly, and he seemed very driven. He has a girlfriend now, but I know that I would never have the chance anyway. Every guy who finds out about me either runs away or their perception of me changes...they are attracted to me at first, but once they find out that small part of me, they get distant, they build a wall... etc.
I am suppose to be working on an assignment right now, but I just thought about writing this and I couldn't stop thinking. I wanted to share because it was the first time that I ever thought about boys, the first time that I felt attractive to them. I knew I was a girl, but this is the first time I ever thought about the possibility of being with someone. So, I thank you Ben B. for letting me know that I am attractive... that I do need make-up or revealing clothes. I still wear these when I go out, because it is just the norm. Well, not necessarily revealing but flattering. Plus I feel that the more revealing the clothing, the more attention someone gets, which is not something I am going for. From my experience when I go out with trans-friends, it is the girl who wears the sexiest clothes who gets the most attention, but also gets the most raised eyebrows. When I go out, I dress to impress! I look back, and I cannot help but smile at those memories. Yes, I was that awkward shy, girl... but that was me! Without that experience, I wouldn't be smiling as much right now, because these tiny details about me are what makes me a better person today.
I am still that awkward girl. Whenever I hang out with Phillip, I feel like I am so awkward all the time. I guess awkward is how I feel when I am around men I am attracted to.
xoxo,
Jas\
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