Weight Gain, the side effects

I admit. I've been eating more than I use to, a lot more than I need. I need to stop, but it's hard. Food  is just so good. What's wrong with me... I don't know what happened. I've been hella craving food. To top it off, I haven't worked out for as long as I can remember, maybe since February when I cancelled my 24-hour Fitness membership. I used to be really good with eating healthy and going to the gym, but now it's different. This may be reason why experts consider my weight as fat or overweight.

I should stop whining, because it is a decision that I made. I decided to eat a big fat Chipotle Burrito with everything on it. I decided to eat two full plates for every meal. I decided to eat red velvet cupcakes and macaroons. I decided to  eat at buffets, all-you-can-eat barbecue. I decided to eat at fastfood restaurants, McDonalds, In-N-Out, Carl's Jr, Jack In the Box. You name it. I decided to sleep all day and avoid running or working out. I decided not to join my brother when he does Insanity. I need to wake up and start eating healthy, I must work towards a goal of losing at least 25 lbs. Yes, many of you may not agree and may say "that's a lot," but you don't know my weight and I am not going to tell you... I can tell you that looks may be deceiving, I know how to dress and cover up my fat. Although, I've been having a hard time because I can only do so much, and recently I cannot hide it because I have gotten so fat.

Now, I am suffering with the consequences and I should take responsibility for it. Yet, I can't avoid blaming it on the estrogen. Why is it that one of the things that is difficult about transgender transition is that estrogen makes girls fat. I get fat, and all my girlfriends get fat. I hope none of you will be angry with this blog post, because I know I promote "Love Your Own Body" no matter what the size! I am only writing this post because can't help but be concerned for my health. I also wanted to discuss the myth that estrogen gets girls fat. I shouldn't be complaining because my breasts are growing, they're now B-cup - natural, no preservatives. Plus, my waist and ass are both getting shapely. I go off on tangents a lot. I apologize for my confusing posts. 

Sidenote: Yesterday, I discovered why my boyfriend is still attracted. I was wearing a dress. Yes, I know... a dress during the fall!? But, this awesome, year-round San Diego weather is amazing! I love it. So, my boyfriend and I decided to go to the museums. They have free entrance every Tuesday on select museums. I wore a dress. During the drive and while we were walking towards the museums my boyfriend kept telling me I look beautiful and sexy. I told him to stop. He said, you are beautiful. I asked why. LOL He said, "booze, booze, booze!" I told him it didn't make sense. I then realized that my dressed showed my cleavage. He said, "Boobs, boobs, boobs." LOL BOYS will be BOYS! He makes me laugh. :)

Although I have grown my boobs, I am still concerned for my health. I was not going to blame it on the estrogen. However, the doctor warned me that it is one of the side-effects of taking them. I have a big stomach now because I eat more than I need to, and yes... I try to hide it well. So, it is not so much a myth after all. Ever since I started a regulated regimen of estrogen and spirolactone about 3 months ago, I've gradually gained 20 lbs and now another 10 -- 30 lbs so far. I am not going to disclose my weight, but I am going to tell you that my BMI is in the overweight area for my height and age. Even friends and family members tell me that I've gained so much wait. My mom tells me I keep eating. Perhaps the estrogen makes me crave all the food. Pregnant women crave food, and they have high levels of estrogen. Remember the time when I was taking hormones without medical supervision. My estrogen level was at 3800, which was more than 8 times the normal estrogen level for a pregnant woman. I am not even pregnant. 

Oh the risks or sacrifices we make! Why must we sacrifice our health to become a woman? Why must we sacrifice our physical appearance to become a woman? Our health, our beauty - We can achieve good health by knowing how to live healthy and being resourceful. 

Anyway, I will start on my diet and workout after this weekend (I am going to Vegas! So I will be drinking a lot, and eating lots of carbs to dilute the alcohol.) I will be starting on Monday, hopefully I am fully sober.

For those of you taking hormones and having the same problem. It is a give an take. If I want boobs, I need to gain some weight. I need fat to redistribute to the right places. It will be my choice to eat healthy and work out. Of course, that means eating the right food and working out the right places. (1) I can't eat food that are high in fat anyway, estrogen and spirolactone is already a harm to health. I can't be eating trash that will increase the likelihood of blood clots. (2) I need to work out anyway, for the same reason mentioned above.Of course, when working out... I would need to avoid working out my upper body area, to avoid the deflation of fat tissue in the breast area. I would work out my arms and my abs, maybe do a little twisting to shape some womanly curves!

I choose to keep the hormones and implement strategies to lose weight, become healthy. I am all for "Loving your body" but I am also for being healthy. I haven't started, but wish me luck this coming Monday! I am starting with NO MEAT or RICE diet. Fish and rice are okay. Also, i will start walking at least 15 minutes, using the stairs instead of the elevator, jog and sit-ups at least every other day. Parks have exercise machines, but I prefer going out and sweating off calories!

Let's do this. Goal: 20 lbs weight loss by January 31st. I AM READY!

PS. If you read this and you invite me to eat dinner/buffet/meat/rice! You are not my friend anymore. If you keep me in check, I will be your awesome friend forever! LOL


xoxo,


Jas

I finally feel blessed...

Well, sort of.

I am going to start off venting and move on to the positives (SUNSHINES). I just quit my job at IMI. I probably shouldn't be writing this, so I will just  lightly describe my experience here. It was simply not the right fit for me. I started as an intern, and I was immediately assigned tasks that they expected me to complete without direction. It made me skeptical about their organization because internships are suppose to equip students and recent graduates with skills that make them more marketable in the job market. On the contrary, IMI basically sought after students and recent graduates for free labor. I finally quit because it was not the right fit, it was not the best environment for me to work in. For a transgender individual, and for anyone tricked into working there for free or for low-payments for the amount of work you do (organizing NATO conferences), it is not a recommended job. I wonder why noone sued them yet. 

Yes, I loss a full-time time job and a good (I wouldn't even consider it) source of income. But, I feel like I made the best decision in post-grad career! I recently turned down an offer for a corporate analyst position because I didn't want to settle. From my experience at IMI, I discovered my worth and I will only strive for the best offers. Also, I do not see myself working for a for-profit organization, especially when they look down upon the organization of non-profits. So right now, I am still working at YWCA and also looking for new jobs. I am also applying for graduate programs and am considering nursing school. I will be taking the nursing pre-requisites this coming spring. I have more free time now, again. So, I will be writing more often if I find relevant things to talk about. 

Now the positives.

I already mentioned a couple of positives above. I made the best decision by not settling for less than what I deserve. I have more time to write now, which I love. If asked about my ideal career, I would want flexible hours, perhaps night-time (yes, I am a night-owl), and the opportunity to help people. That is nursing, but I am still pursuing my dream of becoming a leader in a nonprofit organization advocating for LGBT and Women. I've been think a lot about this lately: I would like to establish a transgender economic and health empowerment organization in San Diego. From my experience, it will definitely be helpful to the growing number of transgender individuals in San Diego. That's on my parking lot of things to do...

Moving on to the positives. I have a boyfriend now, and no it's not Ryan, although he's been texting me lately and I've been slightly ignoring him. I am happy with my current boyfriend, and I do not want Ryan to interfere with my blossoming relationship. I would like to talk more about my boyfriend, but I can't disclose too much information because our relationship should not be written on a public blog. All I can tell you is we've been dating for almost 3 months now, and we dated for 2 months before that. I am happy with him, he makes me happy... he treats me the way a women should be treated and I am blessed.

In terms of health: I finally have a Psychiatrist. I met with her two months ago, and she was very supportive and helpful. She informed me that Kaiser doesn't recognize gender identity disorder in their insurance claim, but there is a group of individuals advocating for Kaiser leadership for it to be reconsidered. She is a representative from Kaiser Southern California, who attends meetings with Kaiser leadership about this effort. We discussed my goals, talked about myself, and overall it was an awesome experience. I didn't feel like she questioned my identity at all, and that's amazing. She is definitely sensitive to the diversity of cultural and gender representation. I will be arranging another meeting with her, and hopefully I will be one step closer to having a signed document stating that I am a woman and I am ready to move on to the next stage of becoming one biologically.

I really want to share with you my experiences at Kaiser Endocrinology. My Endocrinologist is really good to me. He is very knowledgeable and very sensitive to my personal issues. He is very understanding. It is really soothing to have someone know what I am going through, even if they do not have the same experiences as me. It is encouraging and it gives me hope to have someone so supportive, at the same time be analytical of my decisions. As a Kaiser patient, I have to pay $20 per visit and $20 for each prescription. I was taking Estrogen pills ($20), Estrogen patch ($20), and Spirolactone pills ($20) - a total of $60 for 2 months, which doesn't sound as high cost as the current market for these medications. However, I learned from my experiences at Kaiser Oakland that visiting OBGYN Nurse's clinic to get an estrogen shot is free. I encouraged my endocrinologist to order injectable estrogen instead, and I saved $40. However, it is somewhat a hassle to go to the nurse's clinic once a week, gas and waiting at the lobby for the nurse to call. I can tell you, I've had bad experiences because the estrogen shot is pretty rare in clinics, so make sure you ask your doctor to specifically order it for a location where you plan to go. I've missed a couple of shot because they ran out. I had to miss a couple because of this, and it always gets me paranoid because I feel like my boobs deflate and I become more masculine if my hormone intake is not balance (probably a myth). 

Also, my endocrinologist had to cut back on my estrogen intake. I am currently on 5 ml, which is way less than what I was getting before. Before I started getting seen by a doctor, I was at 10ml a week. I wasn't getting the results I was getting until now. My breast are perky and are now to a B-cup natural. Even more good news, I emailed my doctor about possibly increasing my intake, and I will be taking 10ml a week from now on and 200ml of spirolactone. I am excited to see the results. I know it is dangerous, but we'll see... its a trial and error kind of thing. 

That's all for now. More updates soon. No more dating updates for now. I am taken!

xoxo,


Jas




PS. I will be going to Vegas this weekend... we'll see how difficult it will be to have fun because my boyfriend is not going. 


Also, ASK ME QUESTIONS!!!

Forgotten Post: Update from 9.14.11

I haven't blogged in so long. So here I am. Last Friday, I had my first psychiatry appointment. It was awesome! I am confident that I am going the right path, and I cannot wait to see what's next for my transition.

So here's how the morning went:
I drove that morning excited to finally move forward and explore the possibility of completing my transition. Becoming Jasmine, as this blog pursues to document.  I was anxious to meet my psychiatrist.  I had a lot of thoughts in my head: Is she trans too? Will she require me to attend meetings every week? Is she going to ask me a lot of questions? Trick questions? Is she going to try to prove me wrong? Is she going to make me feel like this is all a mistake? Is she going to over think my responses? Should I be honest? Should I think about my responses before I actually say something? Too many questions, and I couldn't wait to get the answers.

I had an appointment with my endocrinologist. He's awesome! Very sensitive to my issues. I'm actually starting to get injectable hormones instead of pills. First, I think it would be cheaper. But, I am starting on 5mg a week. It is not ideal for me because I don't want to go back to low levels of estrogen, but I need to.

I entered Kaiser Psychiatry. The lady at the counter looked at me as if I was not suppose to be there. I don't know, she made a weird look.

I am taking the GRE on the 26th. I am good at Math. But, I need hella work on my Verbal.

I went to a job interview last Monday, an amazing opportunity. However, I didn't do so well. I cried a couple of time during the day. I always psych myself out for some reason. I need to stop thinking that I need the job, I want the job... I need to go into the interview knowing that I am capable of performing the responsibilities listed. I know I can do it. I just have to learn how to show it, and not think too much about how I really want the job. Again, I didn't do so well. The first three questions I answered great, but the last two were devastating. At the end of the interview, I was thinking a lot about the last two questions and how I could have answered both differently... that I forget whether or not I shook the three interviewers hands and thank them. I totally blew that interview, and I am still hopeful that somehow I impressed them with my first three responses! That may be asking for a miracle, but I believe!

xoxo,


Jas