One not-so-secret-fact about me... I watch a lot of romantic comedies. The Wedding Date, Sleepless in Seattle, Maid in Manhattan, The Wedding Planner, Pretty Woman, Flipped, He's Just Not That Into You, The Nanny Diaries, Sex and the City -- I could go on and on. You name it, I've either watched it or will want to go see it. Romantic comedies bring so many emotions: I scream, I giggle, I laugh, I cry.
Actually, I cry for hours even after a happy ending. I cry because I know that I will never have a man kneel in front of me and ask me to marry them. I cry because I will never see an engagement ring wrapped around my fingers. I cry because I will never walk the aisle with my father. I cry because I will never look at someone at the end of that aisle and see their love and happiness for me. I cry because I will never have the father-daughter dance that I have always wanted. I cry because it's hard to imagine that I will ever have a happy ending.
Ah, I am such a cry baby! Sometimes I kick myself, not really... maybe more like hit myself, for being too emotional. I spend hours crying, and I end up having painful eyes. It hurts. This is stereotypical, but I am going to say it... I am such a girl! I know, one of the memorable Miss Universe answers to the question "What advice would you give a man?" -- "To become vulnerable, to be open, to show his emotions... because there is nothing more beautiful." Okay, I just made that up. But, hopefully you get the idea.
Anyway, I'm a girl! I want someone to ask me to marry him someday. I don't want to die a single woman; I want to grow old with someone. I want to show someone who much I love them, how much I care for them, how much I appreciate them in my life. Yes, this can be anyone -- a friend, a brother, a mother -- but I want to be romantically involved with someone. Is this being selfish? It just makes me think how I want to love someone unconditionally, which I find very difficult.
I want to become a mother, so I can feel how my mother felt when she raised me, so I can feel the love I had for my mother. I imagine that I would never have a child, because I obviously can't give birth biologically. Plus, my semen is not good anymore because it has been intoxicated with estrogen and spirolactone. I know that transwomen, who plan their transition correctly and still want to have their children with their own genes, preserve their semen. I can't do that anymore! It's too late. My best option is to adopt, which is a good deed. However, I prefer a child who is my own or my partners. So, I think I would want to marry someone who is a single father or someone who is willing to get a surrogate! I know, it doesn't sound as great as adopting. There is just something about a father's love for his children that makes my knees tremble. I guess it's because I never felt it. I haven't seen my dad in 13 years, which is more than half of my life! I think this is also the reason why I imagine never having a father-daughter dance! Oh gosh, my eyes are getting watery from just thinking about it.
I don't know maybe it is the hormones. As they say, hormones make people who take them emotional. I guess it's true!
I continue to watch romantic comedies even though I cry for hours thinking I am never going to find the one. I know, I shouldn't be writing another blog entry about my love life. But, I cannot help it... so here it goes again! I am done with Ryan. After writing my previous blogs, I tried so hard to hold on to him. I wanted to wait and see if he'll realize that I am the one for him. He is the closest thing to love at first sight, but now I am finally ready to let it go. I let it go, and now it's hard finding someone that can make me feel the same way he made me feel. I am dating two other men, nothing serious, but every time I am with either one of them... I think about Ryan. I think to myself, I don't feel the same way as I did. I ask myself, "Am I trying to force something to happen because I am heartbroken?" It's hard to forget that feeling, something really special... and now, it's gone! Will I ever find it again? I don't know, but I just want to have fun for now.
I am just going to continue watching romantic comedies, over and over again. It is like me living my romantic life through the screen! I get butterflies in my stomach, I get excited... It's crazy because in the dating scene, the subject of favorite movies/genres always come up. My answer is always a romantic comedy. Well, my go-to answer is always Finding Nemo. I always cry when I watch it. It's because I wish I had a father like that! Someone who would travel thousands of miles just to be the father-figure that he was supposed to be.
xoxo,
Jas
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