7.18.2011
7.10.2011
Chick Flick Obsession!
One not-so-secret-fact about me... I watch a lot of romantic comedies. The Wedding Date, Sleepless in Seattle, Maid in Manhattan, The Wedding Planner, Pretty Woman, Flipped, He's Just Not That Into You, The Nanny Diaries, Sex and the City -- I could go on and on. You name it, I've either watched it or will want to go see it. Romantic comedies bring so many emotions: I scream, I giggle, I laugh, I cry.
Actually, I cry for hours even after a happy ending. I cry because I know that I will never have a man kneel in front of me and ask me to marry them. I cry because I will never see an engagement ring wrapped around my fingers. I cry because I will never walk the aisle with my father. I cry because I will never look at someone at the end of that aisle and see their love and happiness for me. I cry because I will never have the father-daughter dance that I have always wanted. I cry because it's hard to imagine that I will ever have a happy ending.
Ah, I am such a cry baby! Sometimes I kick myself, not really... maybe more like hit myself, for being too emotional. I spend hours crying, and I end up having painful eyes. It hurts. This is stereotypical, but I am going to say it... I am such a girl! I know, one of the memorable Miss Universe answers to the question "What advice would you give a man?" -- "To become vulnerable, to be open, to show his emotions... because there is nothing more beautiful." Okay, I just made that up. But, hopefully you get the idea.
Anyway, I'm a girl! I want someone to ask me to marry him someday. I don't want to die a single woman; I want to grow old with someone. I want to show someone who much I love them, how much I care for them, how much I appreciate them in my life. Yes, this can be anyone -- a friend, a brother, a mother -- but I want to be romantically involved with someone. Is this being selfish? It just makes me think how I want to love someone unconditionally, which I find very difficult.
I want to become a mother, so I can feel how my mother felt when she raised me, so I can feel the love I had for my mother. I imagine that I would never have a child, because I obviously can't give birth biologically. Plus, my semen is not good anymore because it has been intoxicated with estrogen and spirolactone. I know that transwomen, who plan their transition correctly and still want to have their children with their own genes, preserve their semen. I can't do that anymore! It's too late. My best option is to adopt, which is a good deed. However, I prefer a child who is my own or my partners. So, I think I would want to marry someone who is a single father or someone who is willing to get a surrogate! I know, it doesn't sound as great as adopting. There is just something about a father's love for his children that makes my knees tremble. I guess it's because I never felt it. I haven't seen my dad in 13 years, which is more than half of my life! I think this is also the reason why I imagine never having a father-daughter dance! Oh gosh, my eyes are getting watery from just thinking about it.
I don't know maybe it is the hormones. As they say, hormones make people who take them emotional. I guess it's true!
I continue to watch romantic comedies even though I cry for hours thinking I am never going to find the one. I know, I shouldn't be writing another blog entry about my love life. But, I cannot help it... so here it goes again! I am done with Ryan. After writing my previous blogs, I tried so hard to hold on to him. I wanted to wait and see if he'll realize that I am the one for him. He is the closest thing to love at first sight, but now I am finally ready to let it go. I let it go, and now it's hard finding someone that can make me feel the same way he made me feel. I am dating two other men, nothing serious, but every time I am with either one of them... I think about Ryan. I think to myself, I don't feel the same way as I did. I ask myself, "Am I trying to force something to happen because I am heartbroken?" It's hard to forget that feeling, something really special... and now, it's gone! Will I ever find it again? I don't know, but I just want to have fun for now.
I am just going to continue watching romantic comedies, over and over again. It is like me living my romantic life through the screen! I get butterflies in my stomach, I get excited... It's crazy because in the dating scene, the subject of favorite movies/genres always come up. My answer is always a romantic comedy. Well, my go-to answer is always Finding Nemo. I always cry when I watch it. It's because I wish I had a father like that! Someone who would travel thousands of miles just to be the father-figure that he was supposed to be.
xoxo,
Jas
Actually, I cry for hours even after a happy ending. I cry because I know that I will never have a man kneel in front of me and ask me to marry them. I cry because I will never see an engagement ring wrapped around my fingers. I cry because I will never walk the aisle with my father. I cry because I will never look at someone at the end of that aisle and see their love and happiness for me. I cry because I will never have the father-daughter dance that I have always wanted. I cry because it's hard to imagine that I will ever have a happy ending.
Ah, I am such a cry baby! Sometimes I kick myself, not really... maybe more like hit myself, for being too emotional. I spend hours crying, and I end up having painful eyes. It hurts. This is stereotypical, but I am going to say it... I am such a girl! I know, one of the memorable Miss Universe answers to the question "What advice would you give a man?" -- "To become vulnerable, to be open, to show his emotions... because there is nothing more beautiful." Okay, I just made that up. But, hopefully you get the idea.
Anyway, I'm a girl! I want someone to ask me to marry him someday. I don't want to die a single woman; I want to grow old with someone. I want to show someone who much I love them, how much I care for them, how much I appreciate them in my life. Yes, this can be anyone -- a friend, a brother, a mother -- but I want to be romantically involved with someone. Is this being selfish? It just makes me think how I want to love someone unconditionally, which I find very difficult.
I want to become a mother, so I can feel how my mother felt when she raised me, so I can feel the love I had for my mother. I imagine that I would never have a child, because I obviously can't give birth biologically. Plus, my semen is not good anymore because it has been intoxicated with estrogen and spirolactone. I know that transwomen, who plan their transition correctly and still want to have their children with their own genes, preserve their semen. I can't do that anymore! It's too late. My best option is to adopt, which is a good deed. However, I prefer a child who is my own or my partners. So, I think I would want to marry someone who is a single father or someone who is willing to get a surrogate! I know, it doesn't sound as great as adopting. There is just something about a father's love for his children that makes my knees tremble. I guess it's because I never felt it. I haven't seen my dad in 13 years, which is more than half of my life! I think this is also the reason why I imagine never having a father-daughter dance! Oh gosh, my eyes are getting watery from just thinking about it.
I don't know maybe it is the hormones. As they say, hormones make people who take them emotional. I guess it's true!
I continue to watch romantic comedies even though I cry for hours thinking I am never going to find the one. I know, I shouldn't be writing another blog entry about my love life. But, I cannot help it... so here it goes again! I am done with Ryan. After writing my previous blogs, I tried so hard to hold on to him. I wanted to wait and see if he'll realize that I am the one for him. He is the closest thing to love at first sight, but now I am finally ready to let it go. I let it go, and now it's hard finding someone that can make me feel the same way he made me feel. I am dating two other men, nothing serious, but every time I am with either one of them... I think about Ryan. I think to myself, I don't feel the same way as I did. I ask myself, "Am I trying to force something to happen because I am heartbroken?" It's hard to forget that feeling, something really special... and now, it's gone! Will I ever find it again? I don't know, but I just want to have fun for now.
I am just going to continue watching romantic comedies, over and over again. It is like me living my romantic life through the screen! I get butterflies in my stomach, I get excited... It's crazy because in the dating scene, the subject of favorite movies/genres always come up. My answer is always a romantic comedy. Well, my go-to answer is always Finding Nemo. I always cry when I watch it. It's because I wish I had a father like that! Someone who would travel thousands of miles just to be the father-figure that he was supposed to be.
xoxo,
Jas
7.01.2011
Loving my body?!
How can I love my body when a small part of me is labeled as a negative by society? When one tiny body part changes everything about me. Well, not everyone in society... but I am slightly generalizing here. It shouldn't be this way, but it is the way people react to my unique-ness. I kept telling myself before... "I don't need SRS. It is not going to make me any more of a woman than I am now." I think differently now. I need surgery to complete my womanhood. I need it to complete me. This blog is not going to be about that. I am writing about some of my flaws, how I accept them, and how it makes me a better person.
Loving my body extends to embracing my physical appearance. Let's be realistic. Loving my body doesn't necessarily mean only embracing my flaws, ie. no curves, flat chest, or big stomach. Honestly, I am not as ashamed as some people can be or as I make myself to be. I may verbalize that I dislike my flat chest and big stomach and curve-less figure... but it is something that I want to change for myself.
I may have expressed my interest in breast implants recently, but I know that I want to have one for one reason only: to become more passable and have confidence in my appearance. It may seem like I am contradicting myself here, and hopefully I can explain it further with the following sentences. I've always wanted breast implants as I've discussed with my few (three to be more precise) transgender friends. From experience, which may not be substantial, breast implants are part of the transition process. This step will accelerate my journey to becoming a woman, and it will definitely make a huge difference. I am not getting breast implants because I know guys will like them, I am doing it for myself. I currently have a small B cup from my hormones, natural and very soft.Some guys have actually told me to keep it that way. However, the transgender in me is whispering... "It is not enough!" I need to have bigger breasts. I am not sure if taking the same dosage of estrogen and spirolactone will make it any bigger, but I am scared to increase dosage because of the side effects. In the meantime... while waiting to save up money for breast implants, I use bra stuffing from Target. Having to re-adjust the stuffing is a hassle though, plus it's sometimes obvious when I wear spaghetti strap tops/dresses. I also invest in Victoria's Secret Push-up bra, and they work wonders!
I hear from people, "You're so skinny." I disagree. Compared to my age group, I would say I am average, which is not bad at all. I am actually heavier than I look. I don't starve myself, and I don't stuff myself with junk either. Yet, I still have a big stomach. I tell myself, I can eat healthier... but that's hard coming from a Pilipino family who eats rice for every meal. I use to frequent the gym, but I've had to cut out that luxury from my budget. Yes, that shouldn't be an excuse... I can run, stretch, walk around, play sports, etc. This is something I need to work on. I may be slightly ashamed of my big stomach, but I can say that when it is gone... I will be extra beautiful! In addition, drinking leads to weight gain... not only from alcohol calories, but also from the food I eat pre- and post- party. I am disappointed in myself because I did some heavy beer and hard liquor drinking in college (a year ago) and at least twice a month now. It's bad. I love my body, but I can love my body more. No excessive drinking, and avoid beer by thinking belly all the time. I can take care of myself and my body more. I would normally say that I don't watch what I eat (I even add in, I can eat a full rack of baby back ribs -- I think sometimes to prove that girls can eat too! We do not have to be as dainty as we are taught/expected to be. That's another thing, I seem to enjoy challenging the norm). I need to watch what I eat, and avoid junk food at all times. Ultimately and as already mentioned, I can love my body more. I can choose to eat healthy and live a healthier life.
Lastly, I dislike my curve-less body. I can't do anything about it. I am not going to get liposuction that is for sure. It scares me. I remember watching the 200 Pound Beauty, and I was mesmerized by her transformation. That was an extreme though. I don't need that kind of change. I am not going to that extreme, but I am taking some advice though. I heard that drinking soy milk will make my waist smaller, and therefore creating that curvy shape in the middle. Also, running helps shape the ab area. I am a little hesitant about this though, because I don't want to end up with masculine abs. I hope the hormones and the soy milk will help shape and curve and flatten my stomach as feminine as possible. We will see. Because I have not witness any results, I usually wear loose dresses, or I wear a belt to accessorize a tight-fitting dress and create an illusion of a tiny waste and a good body curve. In terms of casual dressing, I wear skinny jeans or short shorts... with loose shirts, slightly bigger size shirts, and those tops that are flowy at the bottom. I can love my body and create an illusion to pleasure other's eyes.
To me, loving my body means appreciating what I have, working towards improving my health & lifestyle, and being resourceful as to how I can make these flaws positive. I developed a mentality, from watching Ugly Betty, that I see the beautiful in what is otherwise considered unattractive. I believe in this mentality because there's more to someone or something than meets the eye. I am currently "seeing" or "hanging out" with someone who might be considered "nerdy," but there's nothing ugly about them. It actually makes him attractive because he doesn't try to change it. As a bonus, his intelligence is appealing, his unique-ness is beautiful, his real-ness is awesome... he is just being himself. In addition, someone can be as fat as the 200 Pound Beauty, but when she is proud and takes ownership of her body... I would admire her for it, while I may be concerned for her health. I don't know if weight is correlated with health, but if science proves it, then I'd believe it. I don't want to risk my health because I believe otherwise. Anyway, I would admire the "nerd" and 200 Pound Beauty anytime. They are strong and truly beautiful from the inside-and-out. That is what I am working towards. As much as I love my body the way it is, I am constantly trying to better it... I want to be attractive not because of my physical appearance... I want to be beautiful for being myself.
xoxo,
Jas
PS.
I am going to Vegas this weekend. So I am going to break my no excessive alcohol rule. Oh, and I'm kinda worried for my estrogen and spirolactone... I'm just going to drink lots of water during the day and take it in the afternoon.
Loving my body extends to embracing my physical appearance. Let's be realistic. Loving my body doesn't necessarily mean only embracing my flaws, ie. no curves, flat chest, or big stomach. Honestly, I am not as ashamed as some people can be or as I make myself to be. I may verbalize that I dislike my flat chest and big stomach and curve-less figure... but it is something that I want to change for myself.
Please note, for myself only.Let's look at my body as a relationship, as my partner-in-crime.... to love my body is not only to embrace my imperfections, but also to take care of it, to improve it, to better it.
I may have expressed my interest in breast implants recently, but I know that I want to have one for one reason only: to become more passable and have confidence in my appearance. It may seem like I am contradicting myself here, and hopefully I can explain it further with the following sentences. I've always wanted breast implants as I've discussed with my few (three to be more precise) transgender friends. From experience, which may not be substantial, breast implants are part of the transition process. This step will accelerate my journey to becoming a woman, and it will definitely make a huge difference. I am not getting breast implants because I know guys will like them, I am doing it for myself. I currently have a small B cup from my hormones, natural and very soft.Some guys have actually told me to keep it that way. However, the transgender in me is whispering... "It is not enough!" I need to have bigger breasts. I am not sure if taking the same dosage of estrogen and spirolactone will make it any bigger, but I am scared to increase dosage because of the side effects. In the meantime... while waiting to save up money for breast implants, I use bra stuffing from Target. Having to re-adjust the stuffing is a hassle though, plus it's sometimes obvious when I wear spaghetti strap tops/dresses. I also invest in Victoria's Secret Push-up bra, and they work wonders!
I hear from people, "You're so skinny." I disagree. Compared to my age group, I would say I am average, which is not bad at all. I am actually heavier than I look. I don't starve myself, and I don't stuff myself with junk either. Yet, I still have a big stomach. I tell myself, I can eat healthier... but that's hard coming from a Pilipino family who eats rice for every meal. I use to frequent the gym, but I've had to cut out that luxury from my budget. Yes, that shouldn't be an excuse... I can run, stretch, walk around, play sports, etc. This is something I need to work on. I may be slightly ashamed of my big stomach, but I can say that when it is gone... I will be extra beautiful! In addition, drinking leads to weight gain... not only from alcohol calories, but also from the food I eat pre- and post- party. I am disappointed in myself because I did some heavy beer and hard liquor drinking in college (a year ago) and at least twice a month now. It's bad. I love my body, but I can love my body more. No excessive drinking, and avoid beer by thinking belly all the time. I can take care of myself and my body more. I would normally say that I don't watch what I eat (I even add in, I can eat a full rack of baby back ribs -- I think sometimes to prove that girls can eat too! We do not have to be as dainty as we are taught/expected to be. That's another thing, I seem to enjoy challenging the norm). I need to watch what I eat, and avoid junk food at all times. Ultimately and as already mentioned, I can love my body more. I can choose to eat healthy and live a healthier life.
Sidenote:
NOTES TO MYSELF On Becoming Sexier: do not eat like it is the end of the world; stop when I am full; I am not going to run out of food. Oh, and another thing: do not fall for someone who will end up hurting me. Or better yet, do not eat when someone ends up hurting me.
Lastly, I dislike my curve-less body. I can't do anything about it. I am not going to get liposuction that is for sure. It scares me. I remember watching the 200 Pound Beauty, and I was mesmerized by her transformation. That was an extreme though. I don't need that kind of change. I am not going to that extreme, but I am taking some advice though. I heard that drinking soy milk will make my waist smaller, and therefore creating that curvy shape in the middle. Also, running helps shape the ab area. I am a little hesitant about this though, because I don't want to end up with masculine abs. I hope the hormones and the soy milk will help shape and curve and flatten my stomach as feminine as possible. We will see. Because I have not witness any results, I usually wear loose dresses, or I wear a belt to accessorize a tight-fitting dress and create an illusion of a tiny waste and a good body curve. In terms of casual dressing, I wear skinny jeans or short shorts... with loose shirts, slightly bigger size shirts, and those tops that are flowy at the bottom. I can love my body and create an illusion to pleasure other's eyes.
To me, loving my body means appreciating what I have, working towards improving my health & lifestyle, and being resourceful as to how I can make these flaws positive. I developed a mentality, from watching Ugly Betty, that I see the beautiful in what is otherwise considered unattractive. I believe in this mentality because there's more to someone or something than meets the eye. I am currently "seeing" or "hanging out" with someone who might be considered "nerdy," but there's nothing ugly about them. It actually makes him attractive because he doesn't try to change it. As a bonus, his intelligence is appealing, his unique-ness is beautiful, his real-ness is awesome... he is just being himself. In addition, someone can be as fat as the 200 Pound Beauty, but when she is proud and takes ownership of her body... I would admire her for it, while I may be concerned for her health. I don't know if weight is correlated with health, but if science proves it, then I'd believe it. I don't want to risk my health because I believe otherwise. Anyway, I would admire the "nerd" and 200 Pound Beauty anytime. They are strong and truly beautiful from the inside-and-out. That is what I am working towards. As much as I love my body the way it is, I am constantly trying to better it... I want to be attractive not because of my physical appearance... I want to be beautiful for being myself.
xoxo,
Jas
PS.
I am going to Vegas this weekend. So I am going to break my no excessive alcohol rule. Oh, and I'm kinda worried for my estrogen and spirolactone... I'm just going to drink lots of water during the day and take it in the afternoon.
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